Feel like I’m losing my boy
6 December 2020 at 9:54 am #46670
I left the family home with my two kids on 13th November after ex and I had not spoken for a week over an argument. In all honesty neither of us tried hard enough to resolve the argument but I’ve finally realised that we aren’t going to work our issues out after trying for 14 years.
I’m staying at my parents with the kids as ex is refusing to move our of the family home! Struggling to find a flat so me and the kids share a double bedroom. Not ideal. They are 6 and 4.
I’ve tried to be fair with access to the kids – Wednesday evening, Friday evening into Saturday until about 3pm. It works Round both of our work patterns.
On Friday 6 year old wanted to come to me so I was asked by ex to pick her up.
4 year old due back Saturday afternoon. Ex arrived with 4 year old still sat in car seat and said he doesn’t wanna come back to Mum. I tried to talk to 4 year old and get him out of the car but he started crying saying he wanted to stay with daddy. Ex stood next to me repeatedly saying ‘hr doesn’t want to’.
Things got heated and we argued. He left with 4 year old. Then 6 year old asked to go to dad for a few hours. I agreed as I don’t want to stop the kids seeing him. 6 year old told me she wanted to come back to me to sleep. When I rang later to arrange collection, 6 year old wanted to stay the night. I let her.
I now feel like I’m not good enough for my children! I’ve always been the one to do baths and bedtime for them both and now they don’t want me……
The rational part of me thinks it’s because Daddy is still in ‘their home’ with their toys and bedrooms…. I have nothing to offer them…. We share a double bed to sleep in and can only have a small amount of toys here at my parents…
Not sure what I’m after but I’m feeling low6 December 2020 at 11:23 am #46676
Hope you’re ok?
I really don’t think that’s a reflection on you at all. You’ll always be more than enough for your kids.
It’s still early days by the sounds of it, so I imagine there’s confusion in little heads. Firstly, I think perhaps because they see their dad the least, they would want to see more of him. And I’d definitely say that him being in the family home is high on the scale for wanting to be with him.
I’d also be inclined to think that they may think, by staying there with him, you will come back and you’ll all be together again. It’s really difficult to get across what’s happening, to a liitle mind that can’t comprehend it.
I’m having something a bit similar with my son. We have 50/50 custody, and when I drop him off at his mums, he gets extremely upset. He doesn’t when I pick him up from her. I’ve seen the look on her face when he runs off to the car without a backward glance. Right or wrong, I put it to her that it’s not because he loves you any less, it’s more likely that it’s because I’m always the one leaving (she doesn’t drive, so I have to do picks and drops), so he’s relieved/happy to see me. We also fulfill very different roles, I’m just daft with him, wrestle, make stupid noises, role play cartoons and things, where as she’s more of a provider and a teacher. Oh and I’ve got a little dog he runs around with, which is always a major draw to a little lad.
I suppose what I’m trying to say is, there could be an absolute multitude of reasons for them wanting to go with him.
But you being less than, isn’t one of them.
Take care6 December 2020 at 12:00 pm #46680
A 4 year old and a 6 year old will always want to be with their mummy. They are asking to stay at dads because they dont see him as much as yourself and enjoying the attention and maybe he is also influencing them to stay longer etc.6 December 2020 at 1:03 pm #46687
Thank you both for your responses. I now have the kids back and both are perfectly happy making a mess with toys at my parents house 🙂
I don’t think it helps that my ex is rubbing salt in the wound by saying things like…..
The kids are happier without you….
When they are old enough they’ll want to live with their dad full time….
They go to bed fine here for me. … It’s just you that makes everything hard work.
I know deep down he’s just trying to hurt me but I’m terrified he’s going to play dirty and try to turn the kids away from me. I’m the ‘sensible’ parent who makes them bath, eat Vegetables and go to bed at a reasonable hour.
I just wish, as hard as it is, that we could put feelings aside and be reasonable about the kids. But he won’t accept fully that I don’t want to be in a relationship for him so I think it’s hard for him