Feel like I will go mad
9 April 2018 at 8:48 am #9806
So, this is how it goes …
my husband came back from a business trip. The next evening he’s staring into space so, I say what’s wrong ?
Biggest bombshell ever!
He says, I’m not happy. I don’t feel the way I used to and don’t think I ever will. You show no interest in me. I feel like all I do is work and come home and I’m only here because I have a job.
Ok, I say, I’m sorry you feel that way, I understand, I love you and we need to work on this for the sake of our son.
I have been working on it he says, haven’t you noticed I’ve been unhappy?
( I have depression and have been going through a major episode- suicidal thoughts et al- so no, I didn’t notice as he hadn’t said or done anything different!)
A week goes by, I make enquiries about getting a job ( I’m a homemaker and I run a small business making things) as he seems annoyed I haven’t gone back to work ( our son is ten)
I make sure the house is spotless, meals are cooked, take interest, ask how his day is etc.
he seems to get angrier and more hostile and won’t talk to me other than small talk- goes from being nice to snappy and angry at a flick of a switch.
Eventually, I say, are you angry with me? He starts crying. He says he doesn’t want to be an angry person and he’s turning in to one. He says living here is making him unhappy and angry (he gives no other reason)
he says he’s going to look at a ‘room’ this week ( he’s on holiday- which is hell) and he’s going to see his friend who works in law. He says money will be tight but we have some savings ( not that I know of)
I say, ok, do me one favour then and stop treating me so horribly as I’m very upset and I’m trying to hold it together
So, this is how it stands. He is being ‘polite’ and staying in the other room with my son, who is a gaming addict. I am cooking cleaning, washing etc and sitting in the other room.
I am currently sleeping in with my 10 year old who has trouble sleeping anyway ( we have not told him his father is leaving yet)
I don’t know how I will get through this week..
He wont tell me when he’s leaving, or what is going to happen with the bills and mortgage. I presume he’s waiting to see his ‘family law’ friend.
I wake up every morning an anxious mess. Dreading the day.
Im having a tooth out today, and he’s going to see a friend on my return. So I have a tiny bit of room to breath.
How can I get through this? I feel like I’ll lose my mind
I’ll be fine once he goes, I don’t love him and don’t want him back but this limbo is killing me9 April 2018 at 8:59 am #9809
To be honest, it sounds like he’s struggling rather than there’s someone else. And so are you. Would it be possible to have some quality time together? Are there parents who can help for one night? It sounds as though neither of you are getting the space (i.e. time) to be yourselves much. And you fell in love with each other not with work and cleaning. Maybe suggest some counselling? Maybe just one night in a hotel where the whole thing is just a date, but no effort, just a nice curry and a film and a bath or something.
Putting aside the notion of a 10 year old gaming addict (yikes – but then I don’t have a ten year old yet) this might not be the end. The way you put it doesn’t sound like he wants to leave, just that he feels you both need space. But maybe that space can be a shared one.
When things started to break down for me, I did offer to rent a tiny room nearby so I’d be here for family meals and bath-times, etc, and the kids wouldn’t know I’d gone. But it would buy the relationship time. I thought that was a good way to give her space. BIG mistake. That drove her further away. She thought I wanted to leave. I thought I was being kind to her. I wish we’d talked about it.
Let us know how you get on.9 April 2018 at 9:29 am #9818
He says it’s over. He won’t entertain counselling- he says it won’t work. He says there is no one else and that we have just gone in separate ways. He cried and said he’s sorry but that’s the way he feels. He’s not talking about it or anything now. He says he’s talked to his father ( who left his mother when he was five for another woman) and he will support him in whatever decision he makes.
I don’t want him back, I want him gone.
He has said he won’t disappear, he’ll still take his son to his Monday fitness class. Whatever that means. I don’t hate him ( yet) but find it so hard to be around him, not knowing what he’s going to do next. I had no idea he was going to leave. I think he thought I could mind read.
Its like living with an intruder in our home. I feel like I have to tiptoe around and I sure as hell don’t want to sleep in the same bed.
Maybe I can just go out, get out of his way. I can’t go on like this, I’ll lose my mind!9 April 2018 at 9:37 am #9819
Well, that’s much more emphatic than your last post!
I suggest you proactively work on a Parenting Plan (PM me and I can email you a format) which is something you can feel empowered by as something you can agree on (but isn’t legally binding unless you take him to court) but what’s good is you can draft it together – i.e. you write it, he plays with it, or shows it to his friend. At least you will feel there is some certainty coming out of the situation. And he will understand the nature of what his leaving will entail. You should also sit down and lay out a schedule of what to say to your child and when, which will hopefully prompt a date that this will all take place by.
It may be driving you mad, but the only way to sanity is to discuss how to settle everything that is best for your child. This will start that process…9 April 2018 at 2:38 pm #9861
Sorry I’m a bit blunt but here goes . He is either going through mid life crisis or he’s had a taste of freedom on these business trip and maybe had an encounter.
I had fertility problems and very ill & my ex was always on business trip and managed to hook up with a bar maid who wore tarts clothes but liked him for his money
So you need to do a bit of detective work like unusual things on bank.statements etc.
I always tell people do not visit lawyers they will let it drag on and take your money. Theycome across as caring but do not trust them as they are greedy pigs and will manipulate you
Just collect evidence and don’t tell your friends either . Once you get everything then I will tell u what to do. Don’t think about divorce as you are financially better off married. Has he got a pension and life cover?9 April 2018 at 3:05 pm #9864
So, i managed to speak to him this morning.
Hes hopefully moving in with his dad and hes going to pay the mortgage and bills. He doesnt know when he is moving though
he says although he doesnt love me ( its the first time he has said the actual words) he cares about me and our son is his world – so he doesn’t want to see us struggle.
He’s going to see his father and his solicitor friend tomorrow so hopefully things will be a bit more settled.9 April 2018 at 9:19 pm #9900
Khaleesi Mother Of DragonsParticipant
So that’s a positive. You’re still communicating so that’s good.
Could you ask him to move to his dad’s by, say, the end of next week? Say it’s becoming hard for you to lie to your son and it’s putting you in a really awkward position. This gives you time to get a couple of books from Amazon about parents splitting up and maybe the three of you can sit down and have a chat together? Explain that you both love him but you don’t want to live together any more.
Is his dad’s place close enough that he can still see your son regularly?10 April 2018 at 10:28 am #9929
Hey khaleesi. His dad said place is about 20 mins away but he works locally. He has said he still wants to be around as much as possible and that he will take him to his Monday activity. My boy is a gaming nut to somthey can still talk via that and messenger. I have no intention of stopping any access but at the end of the day, it’s up to my boy. I think my son knows something is wrong because his behaviour has changed the last couple of days. I’d really like him to know before he goes back to school so h actually has some time to process the information.
Him finally moving out and my son knowing seems like the final step in the process to allow me to start moving on.
I won’t lie- I’m terrified, but the situation won’t go away and I have to deal with it- and so does my ex.