Feel alone and confused

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This topic contains 11 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  GingerbreadJustine 1 month, 2 weeks ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)
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  • #23187 Report

    ashlea09
    Participant

    Hi,

     

    This is my first post on here.

    I have been a single mum since my daughter who is nearly 6 was 7 months old after splitting with a guy who wasn’t her father. Her father became involved when she was one year old and is an amazing dad and on the most part we co-parent great.

    I have recently gone back to work full time working 8.30-5 Monday to Friday.

    I feel very unfulfilled at the moment. I love been a mum and when she isnt here I miss her greatly. All i do is work and look after her. I have no hobbies and dating nowadays is very hard. I have been hurt and abused in every way possible by men.

    I just don’t know what to do for the best anymore. I don’t have many friends and the ones I do have lead very different lives and I just have no one to turn to. The only way my family has ever shown support is finacially which I appreciate greatly.

    How do people have good work life balance? Socialising, dating, working, hobbies, been a good parent etc. I just don’t know how people do it?

    #23189 Report

    Ramblinjon
    Participant

    Welcome to the forum.

    I think what you’re going through is something every single parent feels so you not alone.

    Like you my last few relationships were abusive, my last proper one ended 3 years ago and to be honest I doubt an hour go by where I find myself wishing I were half of a couple, I hate being single but am so cautious now it’s hindering my chances but I’ve never given up hope and am sure it will happen one day.

    Work for me is a nightmare hence I’m at this very momoment having a tea break while laying block paving, it’s always been a rule of mine not to work Sundays but no choice this weekend. During the week while my lad is 13 I still have to do the school runs so work needs to work around that which is why I’m self employed, my main trade is a mechanic, its early days so don’t have a massive customer Base so will do anything to keep the pennys coming in. It’s not where I want to be but at least my work is varied. When I became a full time parent around 10 years ago I had quite a successful building company but I had to close it down as I couldn’t be a good dad and a good businessman at the same time which was hard as I now earn a fraction of what I did but I don’t regret it,what I’ve gained is priceless.

    I don’t have time for hobbies but even if I did I’d prefer to do them with a partner, I used to love being out in the mountains but I find it too lonely, too much sky I guess.

    The only advice I can give is keep posting here and find out if there is a local gingerbread group near you, that way you’ll meet folk going through the same as you.

    Also we all sometimes feel we arnt a good enough parent but it’s very rarely true.

    Mark

    #23190 Report

    ashlea09
    Participant

    Thank you for the reply.

     

    I couldn’t find a job to fit round school runs so I had to take a full time job. I have to drop her at breakfast club at 7.50 0n a morning and other people pick her up on a night this is the bit I hate the most as I have always done school runs. She on the other hand seems to have adjusted very well to the changes. She has started saying she doesn’t want to go to her dads now as she doesn’t get to see me like her friends get to see their mums.

    I don’t get that much time for hobbies as I usual work have my daughter or i’m cleaning. I have asked for more information on my local group but from what I can see it will be hard for me to get to. The people i work with aren’t very friendly which is hard as I was hoping to meet some people that way.

    I feel even more isolated now I am working as before I used to catch up with friends daily on school runs etc.

    I just feel like I will never be good enough for anyone as I have always given my all to every one and everything and got no where.

    #23191 Report

    welshdad
    Participant

    Don’t ever feel you aren’t good enough.  The only person you have to be good enough for are your kids, and to yourself.

    If you focus on giving your all to you and your kids the rest will fall into place.  Don’t be the one who always gives to get nothing in return.  Save it for those who look out for you.

    I agree with Mark that it’s easy to feel you are not enough as a parent but that’s only natural to want to provide more, and time is always the most precious commodity.  It’s the one kids understand more than anything.

     

     

    #23193 Report

    ashlea09
    Participant

    That’s what I am asking for advice on. I put my all into my daughter but I need to put something into me too but I don’t know how to do that.

    I give her all the time I have free with her but that’s also not healthy for me.

    #23194 Report

    Ramblinjon
    Participant

    Ashlea, the feeling that you’re not good enough for anyone I’m sure is wrong, like you I give all I can in a relationship but the past few have just resulted in me being abused, you have to remember that’s it’s them that chose to treat you that way, you didn’t force them to behave badly. I think it’s just down to the fact that you haven’t met the right one yet.

    I think a good starting point for you is to try and pamper yourself a bit, set some time aside just for you, I think it’s really important. It doesn’t have to cost much, one poster on another thread mentioned painting her toe nails and eating their favourite ice cream, it’s little luxuries that can make all of the difference. Yes your a mum which should always come first but remembering that you are more than just a mum is also a priority.

    I’m wondering if perhaps you’re suffering a low level depression, if you are there is help out there. I’m sure the gingerbread staff could point you in the right direction to get a little help (as well as venting to us lot☺)

    #23200 Report

    Zoe G
    Participant

    I make plans to meet up with friends at least once a month and I have great neighbours who are now friends. I work from home so was getting lonely… I joined a gym and work from their a few days a week for an hour or so… just to see adults!!!

    you will find something that works for yoy .

    #23202 Report

    ashlea09
    Participant

    My best friend was my neighbour but he moved 3 months ago and hardly even heard from him. My friends are all at different points in life so hard to find time to meet up. That’s why we used to go to pub for half hour before getting the kids from school which they all still do so feel even more of an outsider. I will be seeing a friend tomorrow though as she is doing mine and my daughter’s hair.

    I don’t think I have depression but I definitely have anxiety and trust issue which leads me to think noone likes me so I don’t put myself out there as much as I should. And I hate the thought of starting something on my own but I have no one who I have anything in common with.

    I have started trying to look after myself more with pampering and i really need to start losing weight as that really gets to me and makes me just want to hide away. I have signed up for a gousto food box to get me cooking and eating healthy meals.

    I’m thinking of starting a course in something that will lead to me been able to help others in some way as that’s what i want to do in the long run but would have to do it from home so would maybe isolate me further.

    I really appreciate peoples help it nice just to vent and get ideas it just putting them into action I will struggle with but really need to try as I want to be the best role model for my daughter.

    #23203 Report

    welshdad
    Participant

    I’m sure as far your daughter is concerned you are her hero.  I bet you are a great role model for her. 🙂

    Keep reaching out to people, you’ve made the first step coming here.

     

     

    #23215 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    Hi

    I tend to take practical approach to things!

    • I would write three lists, one for things you as your own person would like to do/experience, one for ideal job and training needs etc,  one a joint list of things you’d like to do this year with your child, could include simple things like fish and chip picnic or movie night with popcorn etc.
    • Then try to see if you can act on them. The child joint one will be easiest and it gives you a structure to plan lovely activities for holidays and weekends.  And things to look forward to. The housework can wait! Maybe consider dropping your housework standards for a time? Or if the job allows paying for a cleaner?
    • Look at what’s inoirtimp job wise. Just because you have a job doesn’t mean you have to stay in it. I am always looking out for better opportunities and its paid off so far. Don’t think you’re in a rut and need to stay there! Review what you want. ForFme fkexible working was a priority. That’s what I stuck out for, but it came at a cost but for me that was worth paying.
    • Make plans for when your child is with your ex. Maybe every few months you invite your old friends out? With it without children? You may find that though they are all in couples that actually their partner isn’t around as much as you expect.

    And though you say you don’t feel depressed it maybe worth having a chat with your GP.

    #23343 Report

    Sergio01
    Participant

    U are not the only person… after 19 years my ( not more) wife ask for a divorce, I have be for the last 13 years the carer of my 2 disable childrens ( 17 and 14 ) my life was ( and is ) my family and my home, not friends ( my ex, was my best and only friend ) and not other family.

    I fell in shock for the last 4 months, I try to finish my life ( stupid thing to try/do/think ) but I was  in a bad moment ( just try to get out ) my son have help me, but the pain don’t go, was my fault, I can have be a better husband, try harder to make happy my wife, but I fail.

    We continue to live under same roof ( what make things more difficulty for me ) she is living her life as a single person, but is a toxic situation, and all the situation make me feel very confused.

     

    I apologise of any grammatical errors, but English is not my first language.

     

    #23380 Report

    Hi there

    Its good to see you all offering help and support.  The forum is a great way of airing feelings and also looking for suggestions of whats worked for others.  If anyone has concerns about managing health and mood, I agree with whats been said already, please go straight to your GP as they would be the best people to talk too.

    Sergio01, I was a little concerned when I read your post as it sounds like you have been through a difficult time.  I will be sending you a personal message with some signposting options if needed.

    Justine

     

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