19 November 2021 at 9:42 pm #62946
Where to start. My ex husband was coercive and emotionally abusive towards me.
Since the split there’s been a set arrangement for when he’s supposed to pick up little one. Hes been able to ring when he wants and message when he wants.
However, them phonecalls supposedly to her were becoming more about swiping at me, while she was doing very little talking and walking off, and I’d be getting accusations about things, which to be honest are none of his buisness since he’s not my husband anymore. It’s been a way of still being hurtful from a distance and trying to control things.
I’ve been trying to find a decent solicitor but because my mh is at an all time low it’s been harder said than done.
Well, I’ve blocked the phone, other than if he has our child and for set times for him to talk which are evenings our child is home (I work so it’s days I am home). He has set arrangements for picking her up (when he comes)
He’s used tonight’s phone call to shout at me down the phone about the limited contact, saying I’m restricting access to our daughter. I’m not it stipulates, if he wants to ring her and we are free email outside if it’s outside of the set times, because those are the times that work for us.
He’s not going to plan anything by email and if I don’t unblock him he won’t be arranging to pick her up. I’m not prepared to unblock as it opens me up to channels of abuse. But it’s going to be harmful to her when he gaslights and blames me for why he’s not gonna come.
Theres no real answer and I’m just ranting but jesus this is hard.19 November 2021 at 10:32 pm #62947
What are the arrangements if you don’t mind telling, where he has child?19 November 2021 at 11:03 pm #62948
He’s supposed to come once a week of a weekend picking her up in the morning either day for the day and bring her back after tea.
He’s been offered when he is on a certain shift pattern he can pick her up for tea. He’s never arranged it. His other shift patterns don’t allow for any flex.
He also gets given school holiday dates if he wants any more time or special days. Up to now and we’ve had quite a few go by he has hasn’t helped with the holidays or taken the chance for extra time.
At the moment he can’t have her overnight due to his living circumstance not being suitable for a child of her age to spend long periods of time and nowhere for her.
It’s difficult. It’s my fault he’s got no time to see her, I’m limiting him, stopping him from seeing her. But I’m used to being blamed now. He’s missed 3 out of the last 8 weeks contact through his choice and his own plans.19 November 2021 at 11:57 pm #62949
Hey sorry to hear that you are going through this.
So he sounds like he just wants what he wants and when it doesn’t always work for you he blames you.
As he is now trying to use contact to get what he wants my recommendation is to maintain your boundaries and if he doesn’t want to see your child that is on him. Document it all so you have it as evidence.
I would also seek support from your local DV service as he is still trying to assert his control on you and using contact arrangements to do that. This will both help with you emotionally and practically moving forward if you get assigned a case worker.23 November 2021 at 2:06 pm #63093
I’ve been in touch with my local domestic abuse service.
They’ve set me up an appointment for legal advice as a first step next week and have given me info on maybe starting there recovery programme and ways to access mentors to help me get through.
For my own mental health I’ve had a therapy assessment via the mental health services.
Onwards and upwards. My child will always be the centre but there’s a few things which need fixing in the background to help things move forward out of the mess.
Ive got pretty much everything documented (even down to calls, I’ve followed up with written communication to confirm what the conxext of what was said was, as truley I’ve been doing the Bury your head and deal with the day but known it would end up this way long before now)
Thanks everyone for there support. Onwards and upwards