Fearing the nights
22 December 2020 at 11:43 pm #47215
My wife had an affair 6 months ago, we have since tried to repair our marriage but over this period she left on two occasions only to return the following day. These nights alone filed me with fear but I was able to get thigh them with the support of family and an incredible friend. I’ve taken the only option available to me recently and have told her to leave which she has done. I’m now having to deal with the nights again, I can’t keep falling back in family and friends but I still can’t deal with the loneliness that the evening brings and I’m finding that I’m only getting a couple of hours sleep if I’m lucky. Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do. It’s starting to dominate my thoughts and is getting worse rather then better.23 December 2020 at 1:08 am #47216
Hang in there brother. The first month is the hardest of all. I found that running helped me to sleep after we separated and left the family home to live by myself. I would also recommend reading books to divert your thoughts. Another site I found useful was separateddads. Good luck buddy!23 December 2020 at 11:32 am #47230
you can keep falling back on family and friends. This is a time when you really need them and they will be there for you. Don’t be ashamed. Ask for help and it will be given. I spend two weeks at my friends house when the proverbial hit the fan. Best thing I could have done.
Running or sports in general is a very good medicine. It gives you as much endorphin as need to relax and to sleep.
Starting a project like doing up an old table or server in my case helps you focus on other things without breaking the bank.
You will get there. It is hard but it is doable.23 December 2020 at 11:41 am #47231
Server eh! Sounds like my day job. Thanks for the reply. I’ve been down this road a few times over the past few months so I thought I would be getting used to it but maybe because it’s Christmas I guess it’s hitting harder. I’ve got a busy house during the day and sometimes I can’t get a moment to clear my mind but all the while I’m aware of the approaching evening and the inevitable silence. I feel knackered as there’s so much to do but I’m only managing about 4 hours a night. It’s horrible. Falling back on friends is ok but not in the early hours.23 December 2020 at 1:23 pm #47234
Hello sorry you too are feeling the heartache any breakdown in a marriage causes , mine broke down 11 months ago because of someone else , my house is loud and busy but I still feel alone with my children , try and take each day as it comes , you will get stronger their is no time limit on building yourself up , I still struggle 11 months on and have days that feel never ending , reach out for help theirs no shame those that love you will pick you up , always here to talk too .23 December 2020 at 2:04 pm #47236
Sorry you are going through this – its a horrible time of year and the nights are long! As others suggested exercise can be a great distraction and also has the benefits of happy endorphins. I found that listening to meditation or sleep hypnosis really helps me sleep if my minds too busy – theres an amazing guy on YouTube called Michael Sealy – he has amazing sleep hypnosis for anxiety and over thinking – great to.listen to if you wake up in the night and your mind won’t let u get back to sleep – listening with headphones is really effective. Time does help u heal as we all know but not much help to hear that when ur in the thick of it. Xx23 December 2020 at 2:40 pm #47240
four hours isn’t too bad. It will get better. I was down to two at times. Had books and laptop laying around and just kept myself busy. Lost about 15kg in two month due to the lack of sleep. But on the other hand, that makes you so numb that you don’t feel anything anymore From then on it goes uphill again.
It was an old HP G5 360G from ebay four years for 50£ . Repaired it and gave it a makeover with all the bells and whistles including fibre optic and multiport network cards. I just recently donated it to my son’s school as I don’t need it any more. Separated now for four years and beginning to enjoy it at times. The server still is compatible and working well with their 3d printer.
You will get there.23 December 2020 at 9:49 pm #47248
Hi Matt. Know what you mean……
My wife left the kids and I four years ago. I now realise she is an idiot…..takes time to cotton on mate……..
I awake at 3.am often. I find BBC Radio 4 really helps – clears the mind of the horrible thoughts……it;s BBC World service at that time of the night, even better….
It’s a struggle for a long time, but you learn to live with it………
All the best mate, John.23 December 2020 at 11:11 pm #47253
Hi, all, I totally agree. I have been separated for 14months,and I still find the evenings hard. I try not to look to far into the future, or you end up scaring yourself! You mustn’t feel bad about leaning on people close to you. We all need help at some point in our lives, there will probably be a time when they need you, if they haven’t already. My Mum has been a big support, ii don’t know where I would be now. Try taking up a hobby that you can do at home, anything that will occupy your mind. Like my mum says, don’t be too hard on yourself, there is no time limit, it takes as long as it takes, as long as you keep moving forward, try not to look back. Time is a great healer.23 December 2020 at 11:26 pm #47254
I know Exactly how you feel i went through a divorce in June, I have one child, I am alone over Christmas and i am dreading it but i know if you can get through these times on your own you can get through anything and it will make you stronger and next time you will be in a stronger position. I am still recovering after 10 years of being together it is hard, but you have to remember the people who love you and what you mean in this life. merry Christmas to you, feel free to message me any time mate you are not alone.24 December 2020 at 3:47 am #47260
Thanks for all your support, it’s good to hear from you all but worrying how long it can go on for. I’m only at the beginning. I’m going to try running once I get some decent trainers, I want to do something positive having lost a ton of weight due to the stress, make something good out of a bad situation. It’s just so annoying to think that the person that’s caused this is most probably sleeping soundly. I will fall back on friends but it’s at times like now that I can’t, it’s so late. Anyway thanks again I’ll definitely try the radio and YouTube therapy mentioned.29 December 2020 at 10:57 pm #47419
Hi @Matt W That’s always the way isn’t it. Those who do the hurting sleep soundly because they have no conscience!
My heart goes out to you Matt. It’s heartbreaking but hang in there.
How is the running going and how was Christmas in the end?30 December 2020 at 9:33 am #47428
Shortly after going through similar on Father’s Day this year I was literally up all night. It always started around midnight.
And when I did finally manage to get a few hours’ sleep here and there after a month or two, I was awoken by my first ever panic attack.
I didn’t eat or sleep for the first few months, and lost about 18lbs in that time. I wasn’t doing myself any favours. Stress, depression, anxiety – I got severely KO’d by the whole shebang.
But, like other echoed sentiments – believe it or not – it does get easier. Having an outlet is paramount – for the times when you feel yourself relapsing.
For me personally, mine was music. It has, quite literally, saved my life.
We’re all here for you mate. You can absolutely fall back to your family and friends. But if there is ever a moment when you feel you can’t and simply need another male perspective then give me a shout on here and I can give you my number.
I’m testament to the old adage of ‘time is a healer,’ so I’m never too far away from someone who needs the help I once did.
Stay strong, mate.
“One of us sleeps good, and one of us hates to face the night. Just depends if you’re talking about her world or mine.” – Michael Ray – Her World or Mine30 December 2020 at 3:55 pm #47439
I am widowed. The nights (and then waking and for a moment not remembering then the realisation crashing over me) were hell to start with. It got better when I let myself stop coping and fall apart, which was after about 6 months once we had a secure income. I still wake in tears sometimes, still have weeks of nightmares from time to time but it is becoming less frequent. Without the warmth of my husband I got cold at night and a thicker duvet improved sleep. So did redecorating and dyeing all the (white) sheets bright colours to make our room my room. Don’t deny yourself the feeling of grief, it is appropriate to feel this way and by permitting yourself to feel it it will help it pass. Wishing you well.31 December 2020 at 9:34 am #47457
Hi Matt, and everyone else on this thread, who has offered helpful advice.
I am also at the very start of a splitting up and separation journey. We are still under the same roof but not for much longer. Not my choice after 20 years together and 3 great children. I can’t really believe what’s happening, no-one else involved.
I go to bed about 2am and wake up about 5am with awful panicky thoughts. Never had anxiety before, now its ruling my life. Feel I’m falling apart and I used to be strong and stable. Wife happily sleeping away for hours in the room next door! Feel so alone although a busy house with children. Exhausted but can’t sleep or rest.
Agree that you can’t lean on friends and family all the time, they’re supportive but have their own lives and need their own time and space.
Isolated all day because of covid makes things even worse with lack of social contact in the day. Scarily low at times!
Would like to chat to others who are struggling, to share experiences and offer my support.
We are not alone. Happy to exchange numbers to chat.