Father of child/ex is aggressive toward me
2 May 2021 at 5:51 pm #53620
Father of my child is so horrible to me, it’s really wearing me down
I broke up with him back in November, 2 weeks before our daughter turned 1.
Our relationship has always been toxic, theres been physical abuse in the past until I was pregnant. Emotional abuse and manipulation has always been around.
I had the strength and power of being a mother to break up with him. I still tried to keep the family vibe, had him over for her birthday Christmas easter. And we got on for the most part.
Two weeks ago, (after asking him repeatedly not to for months) he dragged her up by her hands as she resisted. As many of you know this can result in dislocating her elbows/nurses elbow.
Hes done it in front of people where they’ve mentioned for him not to do that.
Because I was afraid to tell him in person I text him asking him to be careful how he ha dles our daughter. As if he hurt her he would feel awful.
He has always had problem with strong women, he is abit of a woman hater (dont ask why I was with him for aslong as I was)
He went very aggressive and abusive toward me. Making insults and creating an argument saying I was controlling…all because I asked him not to drag her up like that.
Since then he has created a war against me.
I still remained calm and didnt stoop to his level.
Our daughter lives with me always has (we never lived together since I was pregnant)
I still throughout his aggression sent him updates on our daughter through photos and videos.
He would make accusations that I was going to “take his daughter from him”
I said I want her to have a father as I never had one. Which he knows. And I’d never do this.
He carried on going ‘mental’ at me and Intimidating me.
I spoke to my HV who advised me I was in my rights to not give him access to our daughter if i thought he wasnt mentally sound.
I still dropped her off to his. But the aggression continued toward me, to a point I thought he lost the plot and wasn’t mentally stable for her.
So I didnt give him access for a week. Hes due to see her tomorrow (at a public place,)
However shes been poorly and still poorly so may have to stay at home. And I no longer feel comfortable he being in my house.
So he may not be able to see her tomorrow.
And he works until Saturday. Making it two weeks since hes seen her.
So hes kicked off with me yet again, I explained I was doing my best to get her well for tomorrow.
He then would state that I withheld “his” daughter from him for two weeks. I reminded him it was down to his anger and I was in my rights. And I feel he really needs help with his temper. (Hes admitted In the past he has a problem)
Every text I get from him is hostile and sends my anxiety sky high. I’m on edge and really dont want our daughter to think it’s ok to treat people like this.
He wouldnt hurt her, but I worry it could be damaging mentally for her.
I’m at my wits end and feel so scared and anxious all the time. And he just plays the victim card and wont ever change.
What am I to do, am I in the wrong?3 May 2021 at 4:13 am #53626
I think what is important is part where you mention he wouldn’t hurt her. blocking him from seeing the child will likely make him worse, and can’t imagine it would be good for your daughter. If your child is safe in his care then it’s better to let him continue to have contact. otherwise he could end up making a court application, which will mean more stress and hostility between both of you.3 May 2021 at 8:28 am #53629
I have mixed views from people, some say hes hurt her by way he drags her by arms. I keep telling him not to do it.
I never wanted to stop his contact, however HV said if hes me tally unstable and I feel it will impact his care for her to stop his contact. Which I did for a week. I’ve seen him in these angry states before and he doesnt calm down. I have tried to plead with him. But the way he talks to me is disgusting, all becaus wi asked him to be careful how he handles her.
He will get aggressive and talk about her like shes a possession. Shes poorly atm and I get made to feel it’s my fault too.3 May 2021 at 9:25 am #53633
When a child is ill there is no reason why dad isnt any more capable of looking after her than mum. I imagine on the basis of what someone else advised rightly so he would be angry if his contact is stopped for a week. I imagine at the time he could of been thinking the worst in that it could be permanent.
The dragging by arms is not witnessed by any of us. It could get put down to different parenting styles. If he was to cause harm he would be in a lot of trouble and contact would be stopped for sure.
If you both are unable to communicate without flaring up at each other then maybe a handover book or using email/whatsapp would be best way forward , but shouldnt be used to attack each other and criticise3 May 2021 at 9:59 am #53641
I’ve always remained calm when talking to him and reassured him that he will not be pushed out and contact will resume. I’ve never attacked or criticized.
But I trust my gut, and felt very uneasy handing her over when hes in this state. I’ve lived with it, anything can set him off, and doors walls get punched. His anger and anxieties can cause accidents.
I felt he was unstable to care for her, so contact stopped for a week as advised by services, and I’ve encouraged him to try and get help.
I have to put my daughters needs first.
Hes been told by me and others that the way he drags her by the arms (and she resists) can cause nurse maids elbow. Yet he continues to do so.
I asked him again calmly to pick her up by under arms and that’s when he kicked off, because he doesnt like to admit fault. I tried to calm him again and explained what could happened to her. I have always remained calm when talking to him and constantly reassured him. His needs were always more important in our relationship.
When shes poorly she just wants me. And my home is safer (he has no child safety, and often has nothing in for her so I supply).
It’s easy to say dont stop his contact especially if your yourself a disgruntled father. But I have seen first hand the aggression and worrying behaviour. It’s not a healthy environment for her.
Before contact was stopped he was named calling, bullying and causing me distress, and I still tried to calm him down and reasure him.
I’ve never called him a bad father quite the opposite, I’ve always encouraged there relationship together.
We communicate online via WhatsApp etc.
But he soon gets hostile and nasty and it’s just uncalled for. Even before contact was stopped.3 May 2021 at 12:06 pm #53644
Maybe you should arrange mediation with ex partner to try and address some of these issues. It may be further down the road you may require a court order anyway. A lot of mums and dads do this especially when they dont get on and normally results in a lives with mum/spends time with dad order.
If you did ever go down that road they could recommend parenting course or a SPIP for both of you for free. that is a separated parenting information programme . It shows how child is affected when witnessing conflict between both parents.3 May 2021 at 12:38 pm #53645
she never witnesses anything, I wont allow it, hes banned from my home now because of his aggression. Before I would have him over about 3-4x a week to spend time with her.
I dont believe I need a parenting course at all, I have alot of experience with children. In all feilds.
I’ve suggested a mediation but I’m also worried about being in same room as him.
We did couples therapy when I was pregnant, and he out an act on that he eventually couldnt kee uo and his anger got better of him.3 May 2021 at 4:26 pm #53649
I didnt suggest a parenting course for you. That suggestion was for dad . SPIP course would suit both of you though.3 May 2021 at 6:24 pm #53651
Think some of the comments are a little unfair.
there is obviously a lot more to this story that you haven’t detailed in your post. a health visitor would not recommend no contact, if they weren’t concerned about what you’d told them.
you said there was physical and emotional abuse, if you went to mediation you wouldn’t have to be in the same room. You can request separate rooms because there has been abuse. I think it’d be worth a shot as you obviously want him to have a relationship with your child, but your not getting anywhere talking to him because of his anger.
It’s really hard dealing with someone who has an anger issue, they never seem to take responsibility for anything and deflect it onto someone else, in your case he blames you.
listen to your gut and seek some advice to resolve the issue 😉 via health visitors, charities and mediation
take care x3 May 2021 at 7:42 pm #53652
Yes I felt they were unfair too, and maybe people just deflecting their own conflict with exes onto my problem, thinking I’m just another woman with holding kids from father out of spite. Which I never would do.
After these comments I felt bad. I didnt meet up with ex today at park (public place as advised from HV) because our daughter was still poorly and the weather is bad.
After reading these comments I doubted myself and invited him over for an hour or so to see her. I stated I want no aggro.
He came over and we only talked about our daughter and I even gave him some dinner (as I cooked for me and her anyway).
It was peaceful, however I still have the same concerns. And asked him to think about all I’ve said lately and to be calm.
I feel confused when hes nice and calm then all sudden angry. Clouds my head. If that makes sense.3 May 2021 at 9:22 pm #53657
I don’t know why some ppl make a mountain out of you wanting to keep your child home when she isn’t well! As far as I could understand she’s still very small and When we don’t feel well we all want home comforts.Being that she lives with you,you are home.I think people who are insisting she should still go to her dad probably have had some issues with contact and are taking it our on here.You are looking after her and you should do as you see fit.💪😉💗3 May 2021 at 9:32 pm #53658
Yes she is one for home comforts and is 18 month, shes always lived with me. If we’ve had a busy week and shes seen many people, she seems to enjoy just being home with me and the peace and quiet.
And her father hasnt demanded to see her as shes been poorly as he knows she just wants mum when like this.
Regardless i still invited him over the afternoon.
I agree that people are taking out their own frustrations with their own lives out on me. I almost deleted the account as felt like I was in a witch hunt…me being the witch lol.3 May 2021 at 11:57 pm #53667
Hahaha you’re making me laugh!We,hardworking,self sacrificing single mothers just can’t do anything right can we?! I don’t think there’s really something we’re doing wrong I think it just irritates the exes that we are managing and making a home for the kids without them.Fancy that! 🍻4 May 2021 at 10:25 am #53681
Yup. Think alot of men….or should I say boys are threatened by strong women or by a woman that does not need them x4 May 2021 at 11:46 am #53687
hi, am surprised you could amicably meet your ex like that. apologies if I was one of those that came across as harsh.