Fallen for my best friend
3 April 2021 at 12:35 am #52294
Feel like I am stuck in a completely hopeless situation and just needing to get things off my head.
I’m a single gay mum. I have a 3.5 year old son who I co-parent with my ex-wife. Currently my son splits his week between us but from September he will be living with me full time.
My wife left me completely out of the blue when our son was 10 months old. She wasn’t interested in trying to work through things or try counselling. She just said that was it and had had enough and didn’t love me anymore. It transpired that she ‘had feelings’ for someone else who lives in a completely different part of the country and approaching 3 years on I have never been given an explanation. We had been together for nearly 10 years and she basically started a relationship with this other person pretty much straight away.
I have come to the conclusion that I was in a relationship with a narcissist, the benefit of hindsight I guess.
Anyway. I pretty much decided that I didn’t want to find another relationship. I wanted to focus on my son and myself.
Things are never as straight forward as that in life though, are they?
About a year after the split, with divorce proceedings well underway, I suddenly realised that I was developing feelings for my best (straight) friend who lives with her long term partner. We had worked together briefly several years previously and had stayed in touch, meeting up when our schedules allowed and messaging pretty much every day.
I just assumed that it was a bit of a crush that would fade away with time. Wrong. Nearly 2 years later, I haven’t managed to shake the feelings, if anything they are stronger. We are in touch with each other every day pretty much. This sounds incredibly cheesy – I’ve never really got the whole soulmates thing before but now I think I do. Lockdown has been tough with hardly being able to see her over the last 12 months, missed her so much.
So I find myself in a quandary.
I feel completely stuck and don’t really know what to do. Towards the latter part of 2019 I tried to distance myself a little to try and ‘get over’ her, only that didn’t work. Since then I have thought that my only way forward would be to maybe just come clean and be honest that I have feelings for her, knowing that the most likely outcome would be that she doesn’t feel the same, but then hopefully I would just be able to draw a line under it definitively. Obvs the risk of this would be that it could affect our friendship to the point that it wouldn’t be the same again, which is what worries me. The other reason I keep wanting to tell her is that I feel like I’m doing her a disservice by not being honest, like she has a right to know?
I feel pretty ridiculous because I struggle to read situations. I am actually waiting for an Asperger’s assessment. I’ve spoken to a couple of friends about my situation and they ask me if she has shown any sign of being interested, but I don’t know. When we worked together briefly, I sometimes thought she was a bit flirty with me but didn’t pay much attention to it as I was married. Over the last couple of years she has hardly mentioned her b/f and if I ask after him the answer is always very short, like she doesn’t want to talk about him. During the pandemic we started sending each other little gifts and in the run up to Christmas she was asking me if I was going to take my son to see Santa, and I said that there was an event that looked really good with illuminations and an enchanted forest. I asked if she’d like to join my son and I, thinking that she’d probably politely decline (she doesn’t have kids so she may have thought it would be a wierd thing to go to with us) but she said yes straight away so we went together to take him to see Santa. It felt so lovely sharing that together. To me it felt like something that just ‘friends’ wouldn’t do but then again I probably overthink things and I can’t always interpret stuff like that anyway.
I think I am going to have to come to a decision soon about whether I just be honest and accept that our friendship may not be the same after because I currently feel very stuck
:-S3 April 2021 at 11:37 am #52298
I feel for you. You’ve been through a lot and at the moment things are hard for everyone.
I understand why you want to tell her how you feel, and from what you’ve said it sounds as though you two are very close.
It can only be your call but you’re on here asking for advice so….
Think carefully about this. If she doesn’t feel that way you could be jeopardising a wonderful and supportive friendship during a time of extreme difficulty for everyone.
In your shoes I would start talking about relationships with her in a general way. “Did she think it a good idea for you to go online dating?”, “Can she see her and bf getting married?” Etc. It could be she doesn’t talk about him to you because she doesn’t want to rub her relationship in your face as she knows you’ve been hurt.
It’s easy to read someone’s actions with our hope of what they mean, when that is not the intention behind them.
I’m sorry I’m not saying go for it, but I don’t want you to lose both the hope of a relationship and your best friend all in one go. When that happens it’s devastating.
The only other thing I can think of is to say something like “I’d love to find someone, I’d like to be in a relationship. I’ve been hurt and worried about moving on, if only I could find someone I got on with as well as you but who is single and gay!?!”. This might elicit a response that gives you a sign, it might not. If it doesn’t I would say she’s not interested.
Good luck.7 April 2021 at 10:21 pm #52480
Fab advice Jaekae! I would have said same.
I hope your situation improves for you Gaymum1982