Exs drink problem getting worse

[Shell1980Participant]

I have a 6 year old daughter and she usually spends one night a week with her dad. He never drinks when he has her and I did trust this until last week. He came to collect her drunk and he drove his car to come get her. Obviously I never allowed her to go. He’s not had her over night since and only had her a few hours over the weekend through the day. I have also been told he’s in the pub most nights and been seen drink driving at another time also. So for my daughters safety I have said he’s not allowed her over night anymore. He disagrees with me and won’t stop going on. How do I get this to become something he needs to listen to until he sorts his drinking out??

[BkaParticipant]

I’m in a similar situation. Just split from husband due to drinking mainly. I won’t let kids go anywhere with him on own as I’m never certain he hasn’t been drinking and not sure I will be for a while. You know if it’s safe for your children or not and if there is any doubt then it’s best to keep them with you

[Shell1980Participant]

Yes I can tell a mile away if he’s even sniffed a drink but the over night thing I was OK with until just recently as he’s obviously getting worse. He’s talking about going through courts and stuff. He manipulates me all the time into feeling like it’s my fault even though I know its not. I just need something to get him to know its what’s happening if that makes sense xx

[BkaParticipant]

Totally get it. It’s a horrible situation to have lived with and it’s taken me 3 years to finally tell mine to leave. It just got so bad I couldn’t keep the children from seeing/hearing what was going on. They didn’t need that any more than I did. It has to be his choice to want to stop drinking and unfortunately until he admits he has a problem he will probably keep believing that he is doing no wrong. If he does involve courts etc I’d like to think that his drinking would be a valid reason to keep him from your daughter. Once he starts to get help, things could then change. It could be the kick start he needs?

[SOLOMUMMYParticipant]

Firstly you need to bluntly email explaining the reasons for the reduced contact – him driving to collect daughter inebriated.

Secondly you need to state that if he ever does this again you won’t hesitate to call the police – you need to show that you’re not being complicit and so not actually safeguarding your child, so this needs to be in black and white.

thirdly how do you know for definite that within the time he has that he definitely hasn’t or isn’t drinking? I’d be worried that if he now has such a problem that he isn’t also drinking out of need when he has your daughter. So you drive your daughter and collect?  Do they stay at his home? Is any third party present?

Fourthly I wouldn’t hide when he threatens court, but I’d embrace it and call his bluff. State ok then please start the mediation ball rolling. Court only costs £250 plus legal fees. Don’t cower from it else that’s just another manipulation tool at his disposal.

[GingerbreadJustineModerator]

Hi all

Justine from Gingerbread here.  Being alongside any partner/ex partner with an addiction is a complex situation.  Parents and family members can benefit from the guidance of professionals trained in this area.   AdFam is an organisation which concentrates on working with families who are or have been affected by those with substance misuse and/or alcohol issues. They also have a useful resource on their website for other support agencies relating to this area.
AdFam can provide information and advice for families affected by addiction.  Using the website you can access a forum and search for groups in your local area. https://adfam.org.uk

I hope that helps and I wish you all well.

Justine

• This reply was modified 3 months ago by  GingerbreadJustine.

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