Ex wife refusing to stick by agreement and is demanding more money to see my son
12 March 2021 at 4:31 pm #51148
So after an amicable separation and divorce where we both agreed to a Separation Agreement created by a separation mediator where I agreed to pay an amount to my ex for 3 years , we’ve had an amicable relationship. Until that is, the 3 years ended and as per the agreement the payment drops to the CMS calculation based on the nights stipulated in the agreement and 6 months before the change I emailed her reminding her that the change was coming.
However, since the drop she has gone balistic, saying that the sum isn’t enough and that I must pay her more. I checked with a solicitor who confirmed what was in the agreement and I’ve done nothing wrong. I’ve pointed this out and asked if she would take part in mediation so we can discuss matters. She’s refused to do so and she is completely ignoring what she agreed to in the agreement and has now stopped me seeing my son until I pay her what she wants. She’s put this all in writing in an emails too. I’ve been nothing but calm and polite, simply stating the facts, but she rants and raves.
A big part of the problem is that she hasn’t managed to get her career up and running in the three years since separating. There has been nothing stopping her, my son goes to secondary school, she doesn’t care for anyone or have any disabilities herself. Though she has income from two rental flats, a lodger, and child maintenance from me this isn’t enough apparently.
After the separation, I was happy to accept the terms laid out by the separation mediator and listen to what the mediator said. More recently, after hearing about issues with my girlfriend’s ex and reading up on Family Law I realise that the concepts my ex told me three years ago and apparently still thinks are very much out of date. In that, she thinks of herself as essentially my sons’ gatekeeper and she has total say over access to him.
I really need her to get legal advice so that she understands the law on these matters, but any attempt by me to talk to her rationally is met with spite, emotional blackmail and now financial blackmail. I’m happy to pay what we agreed originally, but I’d like to increase my time with my son by getting half his holidays. This wouldn’t change the CMS amount, but she was totally against this too.
Any of you lovely people got any advice? My son was supposed to stay with me this weekend and I’m missing him already 🙁
Rob12 March 2021 at 5:54 pm #51149
I’m sorry for your situation. I know any breakdown of a relationship causes pain and anxiety to everyone involved. It seems your ex-wife needs to here the changes in the law from a legal professional to believe it. You and your ex-wife it feels the emotions and rational thought is too raw for her to listen to you. You should not take it personally.
Maybe the legal mediate needs to explain the changes in the law to your ex-wife. The separation agreement is a legal document. There are consequences if she does not uphold the agreement. I am very sorry she is using your son as a weapon against you. Maybe not now but one day your son will realise what his Mum has done. The truth always comes out in the end.
<span style=”color: #444444; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif;”>The separation agreement is upheld in court. Obviously you know it has been drawn up with independent legal advice on both sides. Just take a deep breath. Think she is making wrong decisions about this situation with your son. Unfortunately, it may mean you have to go and get legal support from the legal mediator either in the form of a phone call, letter or revisit court hearing.</span>
<span style=”color: #444444; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif;”>Another approach to support your ex-wife to get refocused on her career. Offer to look after your son whilst she had time to retrain, apply for jobs…Sorry, I don’t know all her to arrange. Maybe she needs a referral to a work coach or mentor to help her. In any relationship, there is so many emotions, ego, thoughts racing around. Even in my situation I often think to myself. I just have to make it work (paying bill, childcare, working, education, bathing, sleep routine…)</span>
<span style=”color: #444444; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif;”>Good luck Rob, you are doing a good job. I know your son believes that. Just think to be the bigger person, and always be diplomatic, even if this means swallowing the negative words you may just about to say. You will be alright, and you will be happy. Think positive, speak positive, and you will see positive reactions. Good luck. If you need any further help or want to talk. You can message me!</span>
<span style=”color: #444444; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif;”>Thanks, Katherine, </span>13 March 2021 at 12:30 am #51163
A threat to withhold visitation for money is a very common tactic many mothers use…unfortunately…but, depending on the the words & phrases they use, it could be considered coercion (which is a crime)…13 March 2021 at 12:42 am #51165
As a single father, I have very strong opinions on this topic…find a father’s rights advocate for more clear legal advice, the advice they give you will help your peace of mind…may I say a couple of things? NEVER give up, always tell your children that you love them, apologize for your mistakes, and thank them every day for being your children…18 March 2021 at 2:34 pm #51673
Thanks all. Yeah it’s not a great situation to be in, but my solicitor has now written to her (well emailed) so will hopefully get some fair discussion.
Had a call with my son the other night which was great and we’re going to do it again this weekend and hopefully play Halo together online. The wonders of modern technology.
Rob19 March 2021 at 11:09 pm #51735
Good to hear,
Maybe research some Halo and gaming terminology to talk the lingo to the gaming generation!