Ex very angry I didn’t allow him to 20 week scan. Advice please

Home Online forum Gingerbread Forum Ex very angry I didn’t allow him to 20 week scan. Advice please

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  • #58171 Report

    Georgia94
    Participant

    Long story, sorry!

     

    I was with my ex 8 years, planned a baby, found out he cheated on me (physically and sexting multiple women) just 7 days after my 12-week scan. I found out at about 15 weeks pregnant. I was devastated he could do that to me after so many years, having my first baby, and that he had exposed me/baby to STIs.

    I left him and moved in with my parents as he refused to leave the home we co-owned.

    He begged for me to come home (he would still be there) and promised me everything under the sun. Unfortunately, cheating is make or break for me. I could never trust someone who could do that a few days after seeing their baby on a scan and refuse to leave the home essentially making the mother of their child homeless.

    I didn’t allow him to come to my 20-week scan. I wanted someone there who supported me and didn’t feel very comfortable playing happy families with someone who could do that to me.

    I’m now 23 weeks pregnant.

    He is EXTREMELY angry towards me. Refusing to talk financials (we own a home together and all the stuff inside) and is saying that I am very cruel for not allowing him to the scan, all I care about is taking all his money, and for not giving the relationship a chance. He’s also angry that I said he didn’t care about the baby (said in anger), because I said he can’t care when he’s happy for me to be ‘homeless’ and hasn’t offered to pay for anything towards baby stuff. He did offer to come shopping with me after the scan, which I refused (again I didn’t want to play happy families with a man who had hurt me).

    For this reason, he is refusing to talk to me (only wants to talk via solicitors) and is saying he will take me to court for 50% visitation/access to newborn. I assume this is to hurt me as he is so angry.

    In all honesty, I don’t understand his anger.

    Can anyone see this from his point of view and offer me some insight? I am really struggling with the whole thing and would expect him to be more supportive of me when he caused all of this and I’m pregnant.

    #58175 Report

    Vintagedresser
    Participant

    Hun, he stuck his nose into other women’s business. You deserve a nice relaxed pregnancy, he deserves to get his s##t in order to support you financially etc. There are things to sort out but nothing a long list won’t solve. He voided the relationship now he will have to work to get his foot back in. The baby isn’t here yet you are allowed to go by yourself or with someone else to the scans, he is just throwing his dummy out the pram. Just relax hun and enjoy YOUR pregnancy.

    #58196 Report

    JBLA
    Participant

    Hi Georgia,

    sorry to hear you’ve been put through this hun xx But massive love to you for not putting up with it !! <3

    He doesn’t sound terribly emotionally intelligent to be honest… He does something wrong.. then gets angry at you or feels this is the way to solve anything?

    To be honest he sounds quite controlling & abusive… am i right in reading he promises the moon on a stick on the condition you do what he wants & doesn’t see he’d need to work on his issues regardless? He has no damn right to be even a little bit angry towards you, but if he feels can to be extremely angry in any way … and now obviously an attempt to be threatening or attempting to use finances or a court to intimidate you.. this is classic abuser behaviour. It reads like Coercive control… which became illegal in 2015. πŸ™‚ – it would also be grounds for a court to deny or limit access & would go in your favour in a divorce or house settlement.

    Probably best to keep things via a solicitor πŸ™‚

    Might be worth reaching out to the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, they also have a webchat in the evenings, they can give great tips about how to manage or prevent further abuse & have links to legal advice too.

    am sure the gingerbread helpline can give some great specific advice about this too & connect you with support locally, definitely worth a chat with them.

    you shouldn’t have to tolerate this behaviour at all, neither should your baby. Your not alone in this, support is out there xx

    – absolutely love Vintagedresser’s comment.. spot on <3

    #58197 Report

    JBLA
    Participant

    if it helps ..Β Protecting my children | Refuge National Domestic Abuse Helpline (nationaldahelpline.org.uk)

    – this page relates to child contact, but the whole website is worth an explore; they have a free webchat too if that’s easier than the helpline.

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 4 days ago by JBLA.
    #58203 Report

    Georgia94
    Participant

    Thank you both for your insight, I didn’t see it as coercive to be honest, just that he was extremely angry.
    I think it might be misplaced anger after he has caused the problems, but doesn’t like the consequences.

    Do you think it terrible I didn’t allow him to the scan? He’s making me feel very guilty about it! I’m worried now about the birth if he’s so upset about missing out on a scan.

    How can I make him see that his anger isn’t useful (and actually making things worse), without seeming threatening myself?

    I want to say something like ‘don’t you think you should be nicer to me considering I’m carrying your child?’ but don’t want to make him feel even more cornered than he already feels!

    Also, does anyone have any advice on how to handle his expectations for when baby arrives because I don’t think him taking a newborn 50% of the time is good for baby, or even a 1 year old to be honest!

    Thanks All x

    #58205 Report

    JBLA
    Participant

    happy you find it useful.

    Might be worth looking up more about coercive control to really get to grips with what this is. It can be difficult to accept or understand, some of the many factors of this type or emotional abuse is gaslighting you into putting their needs above your own, believing it’s not that bad, just an anger problem (often in the setting of trying to blame you for their inability to manage themselves, while failing to recognise their emotion & reactions are their responsibility fix or get help their sh*t!).

    If he is trying to use guilt, shame or anger to intimidate or influence you.. this is emotional abuse. Healthy people, might not like your decisions; but they would recognise they have an issue, attempt to get help & attempt live or interact in a healthier way moving forward.

    He sounds like his is doing the opposite & trying to bully & blame his way through this!

    It’s really important to understand you don’t owe people like this anything, legally he doesn’t have any rights in this either.

    Abusers try to intimidate & pressure you into believing they have more rights or deserve more than they are willing to permit or respect others have.

    A child isn’t a possession that he owns, a child is a responsibility of needs to meet.. how is pressuring, being aggressive, being difficult or causing stress to the person who is growing his responsibility … responsible?

    In all that he is aggressively demanding without having any legal rightΒ  … what respect is he showing you or your baby?

    Is he showing you the same considerations of your feelings, that you are showing him?

    it all seems very much about what he wants; he’s wants to cheat & for you not to leave him, he wants to be aggressive because he feels upset, he wants you back & to forgive him without actually addressing his issues, he wants the house and to make it difficult, he wants to be at the scan, regardless of how that makes you feel, he wants it all…. where is he thinking about you or what’s best for your baby in any of this??

    why would it then be you being threatening for putting your baby & yourself first?

    at this point, legally, you could just telling him to f*off or you’d call the police, but instead your worried about being ‘threatening’ by simply saying no to his aggression.

    you are not cornering him in anyway, he put himself in this situation with his on-going behaviour alone. saying no to a bully is not cornering him.

    I bet he ‘feels’Β  ‘threatened’ by any form of no! brat-bullies are!! stops them in their tracks! threatens their ability to be an asshat πŸ™‚

    real threats make people feel too scared to say no or realise what their rights are.

    It’s important to realise, he is not your responsibility to fix, nothing you can say or do will change the way he is thinking or behaving, you might be able to placate him in small moments & for him to act a bit nicer while he is getting what he wants… but he will just carry on the same because it will just be another form of getting you to give him all he wants, with the same disregard for you.

    You deserve to have your feelings & wellbeing put first, even more so being the one doing all the work growing this baby xx

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 4 days ago by JBLA.
    #58215 Report

    Georgia94
    Participant

    Hi JBLA, thanks for that response! I will try and bear than in mind when communicating with him in the future for sure.
    In all honesty I wish I could cut him off completely but I have to do what’s best for baby and also split the house/contents.

    I’m also feeling pretty stupid for staying for so long and not seeing any red flags before this! I honestly thought that he would care for me, irregardless of our relationship status. But now that I’ve made it clear I’m not willing to go back to the relationship (he says most people work through cheating and cheating during pregnancy is ‘suprisingly common’), he is not being kind or caring at all.

    Do I just ignore the accusations of trying to ‘rinse’ him for all his money (I’ve only asked for my half of the equity/house goods/contribution towards baby items) and cruelty for not allowing him to the scan?

     

    #58225 Report

    JBLA
    Participant

    Hi Georgia,

    You are most welcome, you deserve healthy advice & support through this.

    All abusers will attempt to set a narrative to demonise a survivor because this is another method/ sense of control for them over a survivor, usually while the survivor is trying to be as fair or nice as possible, perhaps even more so because the abuser is attempting to make the survivor feel like they are the ones in the wrong or it’s their fault.

    typical tactics include;

    blame – ‘if you weren’t pregnant, i would cheat’ – classic BS,..Β  your bump .. didn’t bump him into accidently fall into somebodies vagina. he chose to lie and sleep around, nothing to do with you! πŸ™‚

    shame – making you feel stupid by being fooled (its not your fault you were lied to, you are not stupid for trusting someone who is a ‘partner’.)

    myth/ justification – ‘most people cheat/ work through cheating’ , ‘it’s normal’ – if it’s so normal… why didn’t you cheat too?

    slander – ‘rinsing’ someone just by taking your legal share… especially in the context of him in effect taking away your safety & security by his behaviour!

    When you’ve had a bit more support to understand their behaviour & how this is really not your fault at all, accusations like ‘rinsing’ him will make you laugh at his ridiculousness even more.

    dont ignore it,Β  – try to record it some how, either get him to say this stuff in writing or get a note book to record all the stupid stuff he tries to tell you with a date & time.

    It is a lot to get your head around.. especially if the headcase has done a lot of work over a long time to remove our senses with their views, usually it results in us tip-toeing around on egg shells trying to keep the peace, while they stamp all over our feelings.

    most important thing is to get professional advice from the experts! – dv specialists, you’d be surprised how much support is out there πŸ™‚

    under no circumstance blame yourself for his behaviour or the effects it’s had. your not stupid, you’ve got out of this of your own good sense already!

    things will get better, when your ready in your own time, you can recover & have a loving healthy relationship with someone wonderful…. billions of people out there πŸ™‚

    your not being cruel at all. he will try to paint himself as a victim to guilt trip you…. but it’s BS πŸ™‚ he has no legal right… it’s a privilege he hasn’t earned.

    the dv services will have loads of guides & tips, also support groups, counselling, access to grants, legal aid, advocates, & expert advice, often remotely now too! you won’t be alone xx

    #58253 Report

    Georgia94
    Participant

    Hi JBLA,

    Thanks for your in depth response! I will definitely do some reading about the emotional abuse/coercive control and try and take a step back and see if it applies to me.

     

    It’s really strange to see it written down and someone seeing it completely from the outside in, so thank you for making it clear.

    x

    #58257 Report

    JBLA
    Participant

    your most welcome, everyone deserves a healthy perspective. It can be quite tough to process & understand it all, but the more we know easier we can overcome. It’s quite typical for abusers to isolate us a bit & sort of gaslight us into echo-chambers of people who also don’t understand abuse, fit the abusers perspectives or can be manipulated by them. they put a lot of work into trying to make people believe abuse is normal or not illegal. The abuser is all about getting their sense of power through attempting to control others. they are ‘threatened’ by independence & difference. Often it’s not until we get outside perspective or links to support that we can break out their small world.

    It’s normal to feel strange & a range of emotions, especially if we are not used to having our needs, thoughts or feeling put first. It good for everyone to learn this stuff, even if it’s for our kids futures too πŸ™‚

    most important thing is non of his actions are your fault, you don’t deserve to put up with it- no matter what has happened! support is out there πŸ™‚

    Coercive control and the law – Rights of WomenRights of Women

    – Womens Aid has a great page too… i like Rights of Women because they describe both the extreme tactics & instances of emotional abuse. Not a lot realise, in law his chosen behaviour only has to happen twice for this to be deemed a pattern of illegal behaviour; i.e; him putting you down or making you feel intimidated, twice or more to get you to do what he wants; is coercive control abuse. – you don’t need to report this to the police, but it’s essential to get professional support from services xx

    It is entirely possible to escape it, heal, and have the best life πŸ™‚

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