Ex trying to bully me in to 50/50 to avoid maintenance

[Banannasmum]

Hi just thought id ask about maintenance, and if anyone else has had this problem.

I split up with my ex partner last year/ for the first 2 months i was supplying everything food nappies clothes pram car seat – the lot.

My ex has my little man 3 days a week and i have 4.

He is now providing food and nappies in his care but i still provide all clothes, pjs, undies, pram and sometimes toys.

I have asked him numerous times to buy the clothes to which he replies “ im not putting up with this no more, il contact my solicitor”. He is an abusive controlling man.

i decided to grow a pair and contact the CMS and claim from him/ as not only for now but larger expenses in the future.

the baby is now going into nursery so i have that additional expense also. Im not a high flyer just have a normal job, so any contribution would be good. He would not hand a penny over though unless this was enforced.

he has now told me he wants full 50/50 custody – which i would rather die than let happen… my baby doesnt even recognise me when he returns and by the time we get our relationship back hes gone again. I wanted to fight for additional time but a solicitor has advised it could cost up to 20k as she would have to get a barrister to represent me( due to him being a narcassist)

please help xx

[steve3334]

hi,

if he wants to apply to court for 50/50 he can, but it’s very difficult to achieve when both parents disagree. It’s possible he may leave court with the same arrangement. or maybe less. who knows.

[Banannasmum]

That would be the ideal situation Steve. Im scared of court costs also- if he takes me to court do i still have to pay?
im working full time tired, exhausted and just hate putting up with demands and potential threats from him. Also worried about money 😣

He has a history of being abusive to ex partner- which i have found out. Im getting help with his controlling behaviour from support services and counselling, but i cant help but feel so low and anxious.

[steve3334]

if you want a solicitor/barrister to represent you then you would have to pay for that. If you can speak calmly and confidently, you could always represent yourself and save money. It’s not as daunting as it sounds. They are fairly informal when people self-represent.

[Bubs]

I went through the exact same, I’ve spent over 25,000 on solicitors fees and my son is 3.

if you can, get the top solicitor/ barrister (direct access ) if you have been letting your ex have the child 3 days out of 7, if he can prove it the courts generally stick to the arrangement. Do not agree to anything. Keep diary’s, and stick to facts. Document everything and keep your documents well organised, it’s draining mentally, physically and emotionally . But stay strong, record what you can and have witnesses with you.

he want 50/50 so he doesn’t have to contribute, he will probably then go for full custody.

see if your entitled to legal aid, or find a McKenzie friend, I used one to reduce costs. Do not rush, this will probably be an ongoing battle  it’s the most difficult time, you need to get everything factually correct. Please log everything, you may want to speak to Cafcass , social services, health visitor, Early Help Hub.

stay focused, and keep mentally strong.

if you can I advice the following :

im applying for a contact centre to be used at handover, No contact with ex or third party on his behalf

handover book for communication re child. Take copies of book and number every page.

police intervention if an order is breached, believe it or not police can’t get involved if it’s not in the order, then you have to apply for an emergency court hearing. If there is no order, you don’t have to hand your child over, then he’ll take you to court. This is not a game, think of the child.

contact woman’s Aid they are amazing

you will get stronger, don’t slate the ex it’s all about the safety and overall well-being of your child. You have the parental responsibility to protect your child, you log what you see, hear and witness.

there are millions like us, you can do what’s best for you all involved. Take care

[BringChange]

Why can’t a father have 50 / 50 – surely this is the perfect situation, what is the problem with this, please could some one educate me here, some parents do not see their kids what so ever, but if 50 / 50 then what is the problem.

 

[Banannasmum]

You are obviously not or have ever been in this situation…….this child had been wanted for over 10 years by myself even having fertility treatment with an ex ex partner- the babys dad told me to get an abortion. The 43% when he does have him- he palms him off on parents he just doesnt want to provide maintenance. Dont you realise it tears a mother apart being away from her baby 3 days a week?

[BringChange]

 

You are obviously not or have ever been in this situation……..

No need to come out on the attack, as I do not know the whole picture, just asked a question and thank you for sharing. Also understand <span style=”mso-spacerun: yes;”> </span>that mother have a very close bond with the child and it hurts to see the fathers involvement. Does he palm the child off to his parents, if he does that would indicate the grand parents do not want anything to do with the child. Potential agree he should still be paying for clothing, schooling. It should be evenly split.

But majority of the time, the parents actually both play victim, conflict and concern. But never take action or responsibility or enter reconciliation in my opinion. They actually forget about the child who suffers in the long rum. Resentment can be terrible if the thoughts, feelings and emotions are not dealt with. Looking back my ex-partner insisted she had the kids on our separation, there was contact with the family because, she was bitter and thought she would hurt me and my family. Actually, today we are best friends, but who’s life did it mess up our children. One day parents, who argue, driven by their emotions release the damage they cause

Just a question, did your partners or your parents separate, is one of you from a broken relationship?

[warwickshire1]

Banannamuse you been poorly advised. It wouldnt cost 20 k at all. You could represent yourself and end up paying 1% of the fee quoted.

Your child is really young so 3 nights out of 7 is amazing for a dad to get at this early stage. If he went to family court it would probably result in being less to be honest.

[Banannasmum]

Im just waiting now to see if he gets in touch with a solicitor. If he does i think i will self represent as i dont really have alot.

And as Bubs said il look into getting a McKenzie friend. Thank you i agree 3 nights is a lot, hes only just 1 so attachement and bonding is crucial, it also takes a day or two for him to settle back in at home. Its hard…. it really is. Its keeping consistent also with his development ie changing of milks, learning to walk all big milestones, getting teeth, its hard to know where hes at when hes away 3 days.

Just a reply to Bring Change ….. no none of our parents are split up in fact both sets of parents have been married 40 plus, it doesnt

always go by that, my friends are from broken homes, parents die you, etc and they have good happy relationships.

 

[warwickshire1]

The fact your child is one they could only order 3 nights a week if you are putting your child in nursery. If u arent then dad would get nowhere near as much contact

[warwickshire1]

Also what goes massively in your favor is that u arent stopping contact either. He will be in for a shock if he goes the family court way as u are encouraging contact.

[Bubs]

Make sure you are prepared, speak to a McKenzie friend anyway, so you can prepare. Even get 30 min free advice from several top family solicitors with different questions.

You can represent yourself ,I have also done it. And will be doing it again very soon.
But you must stick to your guns and beliefs and you know your son better than anyone.

it takes my son day or two to settle down, I never new where he was or who had him. It’s the lack of trust and communication and constant lies. I have spent over 25,000 in 3 years, solicitor fees. it’s crippling. Nothing has got better, he still want full custody after having 50/50 like you it started 3 nights, then he got 50/50 now again wanting full custody. Our son doesn’t want to go, but because of a court order, he has too. It’s like my son doesn’t have rights or a voice. He says, I don’t want to go to daddies, I want mummy and mummies house, I want to go home. He gets in such a state it cripples me.

remember you must do what is right for your child. What works for one doesn’t work for another.

it’s the continuous control and intimidation even though we have been apart for over 3 years. It’s still there.( hence I don’t want to use a contact centre for handovers)

I do believe it’s important for our son to see his daddy, and have quality time with him and extended family. But when he doesn’t want to go, that’s concerning. When they have 50/50 your not entitled to know what they do with your children. As they have their parental responsibility and rights. Is unbelievable the laws are not changed especially with the age of a child.

Know your rights, before going to court, re contact, maybe you can reduce it. Or let him have every other weekend and one day in week. Wednesday.

CMS takes 6-8 weeks before you get anything. I went through exactly what you are going through to the word. It’s been hell, but we all deal with situations differently.

I hope you have a good support network around you. Family, friends or services.

log everything, everything. Do your research.

Xx

[BringChange]

Banannasmum

Thank you for the further share

Understand if your little one in only 1 then, yes I get it. Bonding is crucial and critical, this continuing of too and fourth is not great. Actually, this is when the parent should work alongside the each other. Create a stable foundation for the child, as they grow up then they should get the opportunity to go back and fourth

Had to ask about the parents background, because it can play a role in separation

As I say it, must be to benefit of the child,

Bubs sorry to hear of the turmoil you have gone through, it seems the son is being pulled around and used as a pawn in a chess game. Actually, if the child does not want to go then it is down to the child.

• This reply was modified 1 month ago by GingerbreadHelen.

[willyfogg]

Just wanted to put another point of view in here. I’m a dad and I’ve been fighting for 50/50 shared care since myself and my ex split up. I applied for a child arrangement order at the local family court and it cost £250. I represented myself.

Whilst I was in court the judge informed myself and my ex that the family court always treats 50/50 shared care as the default as that is what is best for the children. Just think to yourself, are you actually putting your kids first in trying to stop him having shared care or, are you trying to punish him for what, in your eyes, he’s doing/done wrong?

I was always willing to buy stuff for my kids but, not whilst I was paying maintenance money out of principle.

My children are older ie, they don’t need nappies, car seats etc. so I don’t know if it’s treated any differently but I would advise you try 50 50, see if it is working out, if not apply for a child arrangement order.

Luckily for you, as a mother, the CSA will basically take your word on what’s happening. You can tell them the biggest set of lies going, the dad will have to jump through so many hoops to even have the chance of being listened to by CSA if what the mother has told them is not actually correct.

 

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