Ex neglected daughter and now wants to see her.
3 October 2020 at 11:10 pm #44537
Hoping someone can help with some advice. I was with my ex from a young age, and we knew eachother since we were toddlers. We were on and off for 10 years, and then had a child. He was fine when I was pregnant, promising things I now don’t think he ever intended to keep. He was a very avid weed smoker and drank every night, but vowed to stop once she was born.
A year later and he still hadn’t stopped, but it had got worse as he did not help me at all. I got a new job where it was a lot of money for part time work, and in the field I had just finished a degree in. So we agreed that he would look after the baby in the morning from 8am to 12/1pm, and then I would be back and he would go to work at 3pm, until 11pm. He was difficult to wake up in the mornings, so I did everything from feeding her breakfast and prepping her lunch so all he had to do was change her and be awake. I hated waking him up but he would be conscious when I left, although angry. I thought I was leaving her in capable hands… I knew my mum used to drop by unannounced in the mornings when I had gone to work, new grandchild and that. But she rang me at work, crying one day saying she couldn’t handle it anymore. When I asked her what she told me that she had gone to see my daughter in the morning, and my ex opened the door, blatantly pissed off she had woken him. He walked straight back to the bedroom without saying hi, but when my mum had gone to see her, she found her with foil around her, and kitchen products that had been locked up. He didn’t even know. She had been sat in her own shit since I had left, and he had torn up a tortilla wrap and put it in a bowl near the TV, but was not actually there, and when she went to confront him he was face down on the bed asleep. She found a way to bring my daughter to her house so she was safe, and then rang me. She then told me it was not the first time and it had been going on for as long as she had known, but my father had told her not to interfere.
Even after this, because of the obvious tension between my parents and my ex, I did not fully believe it was as bad as my mother said. So I bought some cheap spy cctv pens and hid them so he wouldn’t find it, and filmed what happened once I woke him. It is safe to say he wasn’t there, but she was, pottering around on her own. I also hid one in the bedroom and sure enough, he was fully asleep, with an alarm to wake him half an hour before I was due home. If this wasn’t bad enough, my daughter used to climb on the bed to wake him, and he used to bat her away. The guilt I felt when I watched this footage was beyond embarrassing. I couldn’t believe someone I trusted had been doing this to my baby. The footage was hard to see but still there. Once I confronted him he denied it completely , blaming my parents, until I told him I had evidence. Then he shut up and things became much easier. I gave him plenty of time to change, while he was still living at our place but he didn’t change. I even agreed to let him see her after I kicked him out whenever he wanted, and we agreed on once a week. However after a couple of weeks he started being late, until one day he came 4 hours later. He didn’t look after her during these times either, he would play, eat, drink and then leave. I stopped the visits because of his tardiness, as it was a whole wasted day waiting which became regular. He agreed and was quite civil in the end about not seeing her until he could explain what happened. I agreed to not tell her the whole truth but just that he couldn’t look after her, which I did for a long time. He didn’t offer maintenance, so after 3 months and my new found singleness and inability to pay for childcare, I gave up my job and also applied to the CSA. He never contacted me again until 6/7 years later- not once. In that time, I thought he was gone, so got rid of the cctv pensin a clear out, confident that he was going to stick to his word. When I had asked him what had changed now, he mocked me. Completely disregarded my questions which I was entitled to ask considering the past, but he refused to answer them. He called once a year until this year, where he called once, and then again a couple of weeks later, and then again every week. He was so abusive I asked him to text instead, as he would call constantly until I picked up, and then not listen to a word I said. He refused and still called, and it took a lot for me to stop picking up the phone and be okay with that. However he has become more insistent. He has started to send me abusive texts, not answering any questions again. He doesn’t accept what he did back then and says I’m the bad parent for making her a bastard. He seems okay to begin with in texts, grammar and spellings okay, then it gets worse as he gets angrier or drunk/high. I have started going to CBT and coaching because I am terrified of his abuse and that if he wanted, he would kidnap her. He never hit me but he would punch things around me or kick things around me to scare me if he got angry. I didnt believe before that that he would hurt our child, but he did. I am terrified to even think of letting him see her because of his past and what he is showing me now. When I questioned why now after all these years, he kept saying he had a beautiful fiance who would love her unconditionally, which I don’t doubt at all. Its him I worry about. I know they have been together since we broke up, so unsure as to why now. I want to know I am doing the right thing by my daughter, I cant let him neglect her again. She has deep anxiety, and I feel he would hinder all the progress I try to make with her with this. I also feel like the way he speaks about me and to me now, makes me wonder what he will say when she mentions her life to him- how he might manipulate her into thinking her family are terrible people. I say this because that’s how he speaks now. he asked me what make presence she has once, and laughed when I told him about her uncles, grandfather, godfather etc. She has so much love and wants for nothing by way of love. I dont doubt that he loves her but I do doubt his being in a fit state to parent- not his partner, but him. Am I wrong to be scared of him potentially neglecting her again? Is there a way he can prove he is okay to me?! The only reason this didn’t go through courts is because back then he accepted fully what he did, and now he doesn’t seem to. Things have changed and he is denying the past a lot. But I also cannot take that chance on my daughter again. Any help appreciated! I know this was long so anyone who got to the end- well done! 🙂5 October 2020 at 11:44 am #44567
Thank you for sharing your experience here on the forum. I’m sure there will be parents that may well have had similar situations as you. You have described a situation which involves emotional abuse. The National Domestic Violence helpline will be able to explore your situation as they can discuss historical as well as present day situations. Here are their details and I hope this will be useful to you.
• National Domestic Violence helpline – Freephone, 24-hour: 0808 2000 247 http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/
Kind regards, Justine