Ex husband telling kids to keep secrets, what do I do?

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  • #44508 Report


    Hi everyone, I’m new here and don’t know what to do. Been divorced about 9 years from emotional, mental and financially controlling ex. He’s up to his old tricks and telling my kids things but then telling them to not tell me about it. I’m not interested in his business at all but I can’t stand how he thinks he can encourage the kids to have secrets from parents.  My boys are 14 and 10 so not young but we’ve been here before with him, many, many times! He even had social services involved and they told him (amongst other things) that he can’t tell his kids to keep secrets. Best of it yet, he’s a police officer!!! He should know better, but he thinks he can do as he pleases. I think there’s no point discussing it with him and it’ll just turn into an argument again and won’t solve anything. He’ll never change his ways! But I’m at a loss as to what to do next. It’s not the secret that was kept, it the principal of the matter.

    any advice on what I should do?
    thanks x

    #44510 Report


    I’m sorry to hear you are going through this and your children.

    I Would ring the NSPCC and see what advice they can give you, with regards to this.

    Hope they can help.

    #44511 Report


    Record every time you find out about secrets. Record it verbatim and keep your record safe. Call him on speakerphone and call him out and record the conversation. If he wants to play games, show him who is in control and you are not going to take his disrespect for yourself or his children any more.

    #44530 Report


    Thank you both for your replies. I called the NSPCC yesterday. I’m currently waiting for a practitioner to call me back which can be a few days. That’s fine, there’s children in desperate need of help out there. I really appreciate you both taking the time to reply to me. I’ll keep a note of what’s happened too. Dates and times etc. Thank you both so much x

    #59774 Report


    I could have written this! I was looking online for help regarding this issue.

    Dad is also Police Officer, 2 boys aged 15 and 10 .  15 year old has ADHD and his behaviour is awful when something bothers him , like dad moving house but telling him not to tell me his new address and now dad splitting up with girlfriend of over 2 years and having a new one.

    Long story but pretty sure dad tells him its his business and nothing to do with me.  I don’t care what dad is up too but i do care when it effects my son and his behaviour.

    My 15 year old quite defensive towards dad and just repeats dads arguements as to why i don’t need to know his new address ( dads business arguement)  which son agrees with.  Every time a change happens its the same thing I get awful behaviour and then like a puzzle have to figure out what has been said or gone on, usually through my 16 year old daughter and 10 year old . ( 16 year old has nothing to do with dad due to his abusive behaviours)

    I just need to know how to support my ADHD son .  If dad knew how it was affecting him im sure he would actually be glad I was getting the grief at home.

    Just wondered if things improved for the lady above , I so hope so!

    #59961 Report


    I’m new here too. My ex does the same to me. I get told though. My children will tell me everything. But then they beg me not to say anything to him.

    I can recommend domestic abuse services. I can’t speak for everyone but, they are brilliant in my opinion.
    That and any other organisations who arrange anything. Strategies you may find useful. School could be good starting point.. I also keep a diary, as someone mentioned, specifically for him.

    Every time my kids tell me something it’s written down. I’ve had enough of it! I’m at the end of my tether, and not even holding on. I don’t want to. I feel so much like giving up. We are going through court, but because he’s not “turned up”  it’s been months waiting for, however, the last is definitely 25th august 2022 but it’s ages away.

    Unfortunately. We single parents have to take the blow for the kids, but warriors we are! United we stand!

    #59968 Report


    Thank you for your reply.

    That is great your kids tell you everything it must help greatly.

    We have been under stop domestic abuse they have been very helpful unfortunately my 15 year old doesn’t understand why he needs support.  He has blocked lots of the behaviour , Dad does behave better now especially after social services involvement but I also think lots of the stuff is so under the radar that my son just wouldn’t see it but I have made school aware especially for my son’s next session.

    My ex is in the police so well versed at getting information out of the boys and being clever in how he says stuff to them.

    Funny, I have started to keep a diary on it all I am just running out of energy just when you think your free of it all.

    I hope court goes ok for you but it is such a long time away, just craxy!  its just another battle isn’t it.

    Hold on, we do our best for our children and yes united we stand . X



    #60097 Report


    I’m in very bad situation  with job problems  and no father name on birth  certificate. I was dating lawyer. Now I realised  I need to let it go…police or lawyers is the UK are like new spaces of humans and best do not touch them …

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