13 September 2018 at 4:51 pm #15717
My emotions are up and down.
I split up from my ex at the end of 2017 after Xmas. Divorce is going through now and I instigated it due to the arguments we had in front of young children (it’s not nice when one child turns around and tells you to stop arguing).
My ex didn’t want to finish it, I did. We argued and I didn’t love her for a long period of time. Perhaps this is why we argued so much though there were always common themes. My ex wanted to try and make it work, I didn’t for the simple reason that I just don’t love her anymore. As harsh as that sounds, I knew that councelling would get her hopes up but would never make me happy or love her again.
She is a great mother. I would never fault her for that. She has the kids all the time. I see them once during the week (I work) and then on weekends where they stay over.
She is staying in the house – I pay the mortgage, provide child support and pay for other bits and pieces. She doesn’t work claiming she can’t (even though both kids are at primary school now). I want to keep her in the house but equally I cannot continue to rent and not have a proper place for the children to stay over. I want a place I own myself. This means a 20% deposit (seeing as it would be a second property in my name), and then the associated increased fees that the government impose (inflated stamp duty etc).
I feel bad about what happens. Terribly. I hate to feel that my ex is on her own. I don’t love her but I feel responsible for turning her life upside down. Regardless the relationship has ended and I need to try and be strong. But when I think of her and the kids it makes my heart break what I have done. Day by day it is getting easier but I still have really bad periods where I get moody and depressed because I feel guilty of what I’ve done to them. Perhaps this is why I want them to stay in the house and put a large financial strain on my self.
I’ve lost friends over this (there are ‘never sides’ but obviously as we all know, former friends always take sides and dare I say it but females tend to always take females sides, and vice versa for males).
I always put my kids first and love them to bits. I suppose the reason I’m posting this is because It’s killing me this process. I feel guilty to my ex, and guilty to the children but I know deep down that splitting up and divorcing is the best thing to do because we could not resolve the issues and trying to force to love some one is not right. Everyone deserves to be happy and I want my ex to find someone and be happy. That’s also what I want for the children as well as myself obviously.
Emotions are pretty cr@ppy <span style=”font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;”><span style=”mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;”>L</span></span>19 September 2018 at 11:53 am #15840
I after reading this you have helped me understand, I am on the other side of your situation and I can’t move on as he’s left after 15 years but still saying he loves me , you are doing the right thing if you don’t love her however painful it is for her least she has the answers and can move on , instead of you living a lie , it is hard being in the other side she will have day where it’s too much, support her with the children and you take them to give her time to her self but also make it clear that it’s for the kids don’t give her hope that your doing it so see her .
Encourge her to attend co-dependent meeting maybe which will get her out the house and hopefully give her some independence and getting to meet new people.
My life is a bit different as my ex is an alcoholic so there’s a lot of other issues but I found that the meeting for family of alcoholics help me deal with what was going on also talking to people in similar situations helps you understand so hopefully you ex wife may find this useful too 🙂24 September 2018 at 9:52 pm #16083
Your story is very similar to mine apart from I’m the wife and had to tell my husband I didn’t love him anymore!
i have 3 boys 23, 18 and 8) and as much as it killed me doing it I had to leave but the guilt has been horrible. It took me 2 months to move out of the bed as he was so upset and was clinging on to any bit of our marriage he could and even though we are joint council tenants I had to move out as he refused to saying it wasn’t him that wanted the separation and I don’t think he thought I would actually do it. I must admit though I have screwed myself up by doing it financially but I knew I had to as my sons were also getting fed up of the arguing and told us to sort ourselves out as they’d had enough.
i had to leave my older boys there and took my 8 year old but it won’t be long before they fly the nest anyway.
i have had so many sleepless nights feeling so bad as he was still clinging to the fact we could get back together and even when he takes our son he likes me to go to and out of guilt I do which I’m sure is not helping!
we do get along really well but I do wish he would find someone and move on so I can too but he says he doesn’t want anyone else only me and as he’s 12 years older than me he says he’s getting too old, he’s only 58 so I think it’s an excuse!
he actually has said he wants a divorce now so I think he is slowely accepting it but I know if I met someone it would hurt him but then deep down I know I’ve got to get on with my life. It’s just so hard though especially as we have to have a lot of contact due to the children
so I can sympathise with you with the ups and downs and mood swings. Some days I just don’t know what direction to go in for the best
i hope it gets better for you which I’m sure it will. They say give it time, times a great healer25 September 2018 at 1:22 pm #16097
Thanks – I hope your situation improves. I think it’s right when people say time is a healer. Just wish it would speed up.