13 December 2019 at 6:28 pm #34022
It was my mother in laws funeral today- my stbx is having an affair and his family don’t know (he won’t move out so still living together!)
From the outside I look like the supportive wife but my emotions got the better of me today. I just couldn’t stop the tears, I felt like I was grieving my relationship again. It is still fairly fresh and only 3 months down the line but I have filed for divorce- his family are aware of that but not the reason why and I continue to bare that burden.
It was the first funeral our daughter has ever attended and we sat at the back (away from his family- where she felt comfortable, she is 16) I stayed at the wake for a couple of hours- but it was just too much, family asking if I’m okay- and me responding with “I’m getting there” and then the tears fall again.
People have told me divorce is an emotional rollercoaster I just thought I was heading out the other side and this has floored me!13 December 2019 at 7:04 pm #34025
Can I ask why you are covering for him? You have done nothing wrong so why are you hiding his shoddy behaviour? The pressure of keeping this to yourself is not going to be helpful to your healing or wellbeing.14 December 2019 at 9:13 am #34029
There hasn’t been a right time to tell his family- They haven’t been in touch to see how I am doing or ask if there is anything they can do, so it makes it very difficult for me to say “oh by the way……”
My family and friends are all aware of the situation- he is a very closed book so obviously hasn’t said anything to anyone. You are right though, it is having a significant impact on me mentally, especially as he hasn’t even acknowledged the receiving of the divorce papers- currently stuck between a “rock and a hard place”14 December 2019 at 5:14 pm #34034
I see. Could you maybe write to them and explain what’s happened? I appreciate that you probably feel its difficult with the recent passing of your mother in law so I totally get that. But you really need to put yourself first, especially as you are not in the wrong here. I think you really need to think about what is best for you right now, and what steps you can take to relieve the pressure from yourself. Is your ex still living with you? If so why? Because that again will not be helping you at all. It sounds like a really horrible situation, and you seem like you’re thinking about everyone else. I would suggest thinking about you right now and taking positive steps for yourself.14 December 2019 at 8:26 pm #34038
thank you for the responses, lovely to hear from a fresh perspective….. yes he is still living in our home, he refuses to move out- yet regularly spends evenings “away” He doesn’t have the guts to tell our daughter (she knows he’s having an affair) what he’s up to/where he’s staying and I am trying to take the moral high ground and keep it as am amicable as possible for her sake.
He has ignored the divorce papers that have been issued and won’t go to see a solicitor (burying his head!)14 December 2019 at 10:55 pm #34048
Yeah I understand what you mean about being amicable for your daughter’s sake…..but at the same time, she’s 16 and old enough to understand what’s going on. Do you really want her to see her mum being treated so poorly by a man, regardless of whether it’s her dad or not? She knows exactly what he’s done and she also sees you accepting it. I know it’s easy for me to say, but you really need to tell him the situation is unacceptable and he needs to leave, if this is possible. Do you have a mortgage or are you renting? And if he refuses to leave is it an option for you to find somewhere else to live? I really think you need to start taking control where you can and making positive changes for yourself. Go into 2020 with a new attitude and start thinking about your life and what you can do to make it better.14 December 2019 at 10:58 pm #34049
For what it’s worth your ex sounds like a complete jerk! He has an affair, refuses to leave your home and ignores divorce papers. You deserve so much more, it’s time for you to believe that and not accept his crap anymore!15 December 2019 at 9:08 am #34057
We have a mortgage- the house is on the market, so fingers crossed in the new year it will sell. I’m not in a position to be able to move out financially however he has had an offer accepted on another house, just waiting for the paperwork to be completed.
You are absolutely right about what my daughter is seeing me accept but I don’t want it to adversely affect her relationship with her dad. I hope in the long run that she sees I’m protecting her (like you say she’s old enough and she’s certainly not daft!)
I feel in control in some ways- he didn’t expect me to process the divorce as quick, I will take it to court if he continues to refuse to talk financially and I will come out of this a stronger person.
Thank you again for listening15 December 2019 at 3:10 pm #34066
You’re welcome 😊 if you ever want to rant/vent/talk feel free to message me, I’m happy to listen. It takes my mind off my own life lol x