Emotional abuse or just a man who never wanted to be with me?

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  • #41737 Report

    Jem1383
    Participant

    Strange question…. I split up with my sons father 20 months ago, we were on and off for 8.5 months before I conceived his son, in that time I know he slept with at least one other woman, I now suspect that there were more when we were on ‘breaks’, he was regularly too busy to see me, was very evasive, told me various reasons about how his family responsibilities kept him away from me- I learnt after we split he was untagging himself out of Facebook posts where he was out drinking with friends. He would also try and make me jealous of other women- showing me a photo of him with another woman on a date when we were on a break and telling me she’d returned to his house afterwards.

    A woman made an allegation when I was 8 months pregnant that he had ‘tried it on’ with her (apparently she was a liar!)

    Anyway… cutting forward we lived in different cities. Whilst I was pregnant I saw him probably all of 8 times with these responsibilities of his. But he ‘loved me’ and I had agreed at his request to sell/rent my house and get a job down there after my maternity had finished.

     

    It was a disaster. From the very first day. 2 days after my emergency c section he shouted at me for leaving the clothes on the bathroom floor. I lived there for 8.5 months.

    He barely kissed me, touched me or held my hand, rarely even sat next to me on the sofa.

    We only had sex on his terms or when it suited him- every 6 weeks or so, usually after he’d come back from the pub. I stopped iniating it myself because he told me I wanted sex too much and there was something wrong with me.

    He told me I was scruffy and lazy, I cant remember him saying anything nice to me in that time. I was left caring for our child by myself 95% of the time and his daughter from another relationship about 80% of the time she was with us.

     

    At my health visitor check I scored on the boundary of pnd but because my son was meeting his milestones and we were attending a lot of groups they were happy with that.

     

    Every other weekend he would go out with his friends and leave me with the kids on my own.

    Once I woke up and he’d snuck out the house at midnight to go to the pub with his friends whilst me and the kids were asleep. When I challenged him on it I was psycho and it was perfectly normal.

     

    He spent as little time with me as possible and when I’d push for us to spend time together he refused.

     

    Every time I challenged him I was psycho, crazy, paranoid, over sensitive, insecure. It was all in my head.

    I didn’t put my house up for rent. I just hoped it was a blip, temporary, and things would get better. It didn’t. And the pressure to give up my house was continuous from him. There were financial pressures for him- because I still had my house and Bill’s to pay. My contribution was 100 quid per wk grocery bill and paying off a 2000 holiday we were meant to go on that never happened.

     

    Meanwhilst he was slagging me off to family and friends about what a psycho I was and how paranoid and insecure. The man was on tinder, pof and towards the end of the relationship had a burner phone.

    Anyway, after we split I self referred for therapy. It wasn’t that useful or enlightening at the time. I was initially still speaking to him 2/3 times a day and hed come into my house on pick ups /drop offs for a brew and spend the whole time talking about himself.

     

    But things got bad over contact- picking and choosing when he had him. Fall outs.

     

    Still now I’m remembering stuff that happened between us. I have come to the conclusion that when I was pregnant he knew he didn’t love me. He just wanted to get me to his city so he could have access to his son when he wanted. I firmly suspect as soon as I’d have got rid of my house and I was stuck there hed have ended it. Hed have got me stuck there so travel to see his son to and fro was not such a deal for him.

    I also suspect- but can never prove, that there were probably a number of local women that he was secretly msg via various social media behind my back, buttering them up and probably having them on the back benches for when we came to an end so he could just pick one up from where he left off (for example 5 months before we started a relationship he was msg me practically declaring his undying love for me and chasing after me)

    Anyway, with all that clicking into place (obviously so much more than that but some stuff too sensitive to write and I’m trying not to write a novel)

    Is this a man who simply used me for his child and never loved me nor had any intention? or is this emotional abuse? or both?

     

     

    #41739 Report

    Jsmoove
    Participant

    Your Ex is a train wreck,you are better off without him,I think going from women to women fed his Ego abit,he ain’t interested in being a dad or someone’s partner,he only cares about himself,,the way he treated you is disrespectful but he done that because it made him feel better about himself,I think he ain’t happy with who is,I would call him a narcissist the honest truth,bury him in the past and build a happy future

    #41763 Report

    BluebirdSue
    Participant

    Yes from what you have said I definitely believe he is a narcissist. A completely self-serving, selfish, emotionally stunted man. The best way to deal with him is to not show him any emotions. Don’t give into him because you feel lonely or if you are missing him. He will never change.

    When I talk to my ex I turn into robot mode. My voice changes to clear calm tone. I don’t get into conversations now it’s only about our kid and visits. I don’t care what he does in his life.

    Now I am getting on with life. I’m still single but very happy 😀

    #41830 Report

    Journey
    Participant

    Hi Jem,

    I’m 5 months pregnant by a guy who hasn’t had much to say since I decided not to get an abortion. He lives in another state with his girlfriend and 8 month old that he failed to mention.

    I wonder if he ever had real feelings for me but it honestly doesn’t matter. His actions have given me every reason to let go so that I can find peace and be better for my baby. No father is better than a bad one in my opinion.

    Also raising someone else’s child shouldn’t be something you’re manipulated into doing by an absent wanna be frat boy daddy. Buuut…People will do what you allow, I am living proof.

     

    #41907 Report

    Jem1383
    Participant

    Xxx thanks all xxx

    #41908 Report

    Journey
    Participant

    Thank you for sharing. I’m back in therapy— feeling a little stronger everyday but dealing with emotionally abusive relationships and rebuilding your self esteem is still a process. Im here if you want to chat and I wish you strength.

    • This reply was modified 5 months ago by Journey.
    #41914 Report

    Jem1383
    Participant

    Thank you xx its not even just him, it’s his blood family too. They’ve supported him in all this and totally closed ranks on him. Since break up I’ve had nasty messages and phone calls from a number of relatives telling me his behaviour towards me is acceptable and I’m the problem. Contact is on his terms when it suits, when we went into lockdown he was threatening to take my son away from me etc etc. They’re all bloody crazy. I have been avoiding taking him to court around contact AND we’re only scraping by financially too. But I’ve got over 14 years of this and I’m not willing to be controlled that long by his family. I guess the fear is when the paperwork gets through things will get nastier, phone calls, mags, exchanges etc. Not sure how far any of them will take it. And the ironic thing is on the surface they’re this nice fluffy family and all pillars of the community which just makes you question yourself more and think you’re the crazy one xxx

    #41915 Report

    Jem1383
    Participant

    Oh, and the man is 40 not just some young silly boy 😂😂😂😂x

    #42108 Report

    Calonmam
    Participant

    Oh my goodness… Reading your posts this could have been my own story!

    My daughters father is 40 this year, has a problem with drinking, is on antidepressants, lives at home with his parents (who condone his behaviour and are pillars of the community!) , runs a failing business and is generally an absolute mess of a human being.

    I got pregnant quickly after an on again off again relationship. I worked for him so our relationship happened quickly. From the moment I found out there were questions of if I’d done this to trap him?! And when I decided to keep the baby that I was trapping him in a shitty situation!

    He was tempestuous throughout the pregnancy, we still lived apart and would do date nights here and there. When I was 7 months pregnant I told him I couldn’t continue to work part time for him… He then didn’t speak to me for 2 weeks! I had to meet him ready to finish things and was made to think it was all me, that his behaviour was correct and even that he was the injured party!

    Days after she was born he was back down the pub, making excuses for his behaviour again, kept moaning about how boring the birth was! And when called up on it by my family members all the toys came out of the pram and he picked arguments with me and lied about things we had discussed about my mother being at the birth, middle names etc and tried to make out that I had never discussed any of these things!

    Fast forward to now… My daughter is 15 months old, I am about to start at uni to train to be a midwife, I got a little house for me and my daughter with the council which we have been in for 10 months, he visits here and there. At the most it has been 3 times a week for a few hours Inc ‘helping’ bath her… More like glorified drunker while I run about doing everything. At Christmas and her first birthday he bought her absolutely nothing but does pay maintenance monthly!

    Since covid he was facetiming her most nights and the last month has been visiting her in the garden. Last week I asked him to take her for a walk to get her off to sleep and he was gone for 3 hours, without a phone! I had a text from his mum 2 hours in saying he would be half an hour… He returned an hour later! With no apology or explanation and it transpired he had taken her to his friends house to play in the garden with his kids… While I have been social distancing and only seeing him and my mum! I spoke to his mum about this and she sided with him and said she didn’t want to get involved! As his phone was not working I asked her to get him to ring me to discuss…. Nothing!

    He turns up yesterday to visit having heard nothing from him since and when I tried to set a boundary and say that what happened last week was not happening again he hit the roof! He justified his bahaviour behaviour because he is her father! And I got called a bully, vulgar a dictator etc and he would not accept that I had a right to be worried at all! He also threatened he would take the baby to live with him! I had to spend the rest of the visit sitting in another room in silence praying he wouldn’t try and take her and listening out for the door!

    I am now looking at how I can make clear boundaries as I do not want him arguing in front of my daughter and he will not take any responsibility for his actions and his family actively condone it! And am thinking of getting legal advice on what I can do so that I am forearmed! My first thought is that anymore visits are conducted in a public place (we have beaches near by) as he has lost the right to speak to me like that in my own home!

    Sorry to jump on your thread and offload! I’ve been reading into narcassists and my ex ticks every box! Again forearmed is forewarned and I know it’s going to be a bumpy road trying to coparent as he has no respect for anyone but himself!

    Take care and lots of love xxx

     

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