Dumped by the system….

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This topic contains 4 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  GingerbreadJustine 4 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #24214 Report

    misslily90
    Participant

    After gaining sole custody ( yes I know very rare ) , after fleeing D.A. I fought tooth and nail for help to move me during proceedings in 2016 no one would listen until a brick landed inches away from my daughters’ bed. So now I live in the back of beyond in a county near the Midlands. I left that house 3 years ago with noting but my 2 daughters. He had cleared the accounts my savings to buy a house were used up to live and nothing has ever got better.

    Women’s Aid are a joke I never even met or spoke to anyone there, local police because I was young at the time they would tell me ” you kids need to stop being silly ” , or ” oh hun back again ” or ” I will go grab the biscuits and the brew ” ( in my home they had been to numerous times ) like the abuse was all through immaturity , it was only in court I was treated as a parent and an adult. The Caffcas officer coincidentally had dealt with my ex before in court ( little to my knowledge until later ) , we had the fact final hearing and all 2/3 ring binders were brought out going back to 2015 of the torrent of abuse on women and children.  I got full custody after everything but no CSA as the offer was £3.20 per month due to him wangling his self employment books and as advised it was to dangerous to chase him for any more. So all ties were cut that day in 2016 and my life never got better.

    My children are thriving they are with my parents often and family South which I am truly grateful for as I wouldn’t be able to afford to keep them otherwise as the Food Banks ( as much good as they do ) are abysmal. I never got compensation through any services as he wasn’t convicted in family court, and I declared a DRO in 2017 rather than go through any more trauma  with him as the police always sided with him.

    The one friend and I use that word friend incredibly loosely, clung on for a time but it became an I text her or I pop in and I realised after she had used my ex partners new girlfriends beauty salon ( which he likely afforded with my money ) , I cut ties.  Every day I wake up and wish I could sleep forever to not have to feel this emptiness. Of course my children are happier etc etc etc but in all honesty leaving him was the worst decision I made.

    I now have no friends, living rural the work is sparce an incredibly difficult in  part time hours but luckily I’m studying to fill the  CV, and everything is just temporary. I go to the gym everyday but I use the bubbly front to mask the agony of isolation, I even walk around the Supermarket when they are at school just so the staff speak to me, I miss my family life….

    My children are now 10 and 8 far past the age of toddler groups and the clubs they do go to the village clubs but the mums are up there ***** , one even said to me what did you do to be on your own!! They say good morning, they attend my children’s’ birthday’s but anything more they have their husbands and clicks, plus I would not have the money to attend their spa weekends in the Cotswolds.  I am happy my children have each other which is a blessing.

    I am just sick of the assumption everyone has someone well I don’t , after saying this to someone at the school, they retorted don’t be silly you don’t look like you do and I’m sure there is someone. Well Julie no ( name not correct ) . That same parent a few days later muttered to another gaggle I might take their husband * face and palm * , village life.

    I now find it very strange being called my actual name because no one talks to me, my tutor did once and it took a while to react because I am just Mum.  Sorry for the big vent but In short I want to say you are not alone it being so very alone. I stare bitterly towards family’s in the street, glinting wedding rings and I know it isn’t all as it seems but I am allowed to feel. I am embarrassed to be alive ,to be in public , I don’t even know what to say when they say Dad at home with his feet up remarks if I’m in the park. Usually it is ” sorry he is no longer with us ” which you can take it in either way but it shuts people up fast.

    In a short sweet summary, I am everything he said I would be without him and that is my life sentence.

     

    #24215 Report

    Ramblinjon
    Participant

    Welcome to the forum, although I’m sorry it’s in such terrible circumstances. Clearly you’ve been through hell and are still feeling the effects, it wouldn’t surprise me if you are now suffering the effects of PTSD so I highly recommend you have a chat with your doctor, there are also various organisations like MIND that can help, if you speak to the gingerbread team they would be able to signpost you. As it’s the weekend I’m not sure how many moderators are reading the posts but am sure when they do they will pm you.

    I live in a village in Somerset and while it can be a little clicky at times mostly it’s a great way of life, possibly because of your experiences it’s clouding your outlook so I’m sure that once you get a little help, possibly some CBT you will start to see things differently.

    Life is quite fluid and rarely stays the same so please do not give up on the hope that things will be better because in time I am absolutely sure that they will get better.

    While not the same as having physical friends keep posting here and you will soon find some really supportive cyber friends that will relate to you.

    Mark

     

    #24216 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    Hi Misslily,

    you aren’t the only one on your own. I’ve been single for two years and can’t see that changing. Don’t take any notice of the mums at the school, I have the same problem, my lot seem to spend a lot of time congratulating themselves for being them.

    Well done for getting your children out. I hope things get better soon. Can you find one little nugget of good stuff among all the hassle and build on it.

    I love the fact that I’m not expected to cook complicated meals every night. Once my son is happy, I can relax with cheese tomatoes & crackers and a glass of wine. No more walking on egg shells. I’ve painted my kitchen glorious happy colours , my bathroom is clean, there is no swearing, I can listen to music. And my neighbour now comes and has a coffee, unthinkable when ex was around. Silly little things but such a relief..

    Mark is right, ask your GP for help. Give yourself more time, DA takes a long time to recover from. 🍰

    #24246 Report

    misslily90
    Participant

    Thank you for the response. Yes I forgot to add the cherry being diagnosed with PTSD, as some may be aware of the awful mental health system we have and how short lived iapt is. It was great having someone every couple of weeks checking in, but now I manage my health alone. It is easier than relying on inconsistency that will eventually let you down, or a male therapist who liked touching the self harm on your thighs. The CBT is patchy at best and didn’t work for me personally , I take my mental health one day at a time.

     

    Thank you Kathy I’m glad I’m not alone in the catty mums and your neighbor sounds delightful.

     

    Jon thank you I like the fluidity you mentioned. I do hope to meet cyber people to.

    #24268 Report

    Hi MissLily90

    I am pleased you have made this post.  This online community is formed of a great bunch of parents and even though some of them won’t have been through the exact same situation as yourself, they will know what it is like to be a single parent responsible for their children.  They are a real support.  It is sometimes easier to put on the ‘bubbly front’ rather than acknowledge how you are really feeling, but I am glad you have found other parents here to talk to openly.

    It sounds like you have had a lot of involvement with external agencies, but there is one that can be quite useful in your situation.  The National Domestic helpline can give support for historic abuse abuse as well as current.  I have put their details at he bottom of this post.

    Please continue to chat to other parents and don’t forget that if you have any financial or practical issues our Single Parent Helpline can also be useful.

    Hope some of this helps.  Justine

    National Domestic Violence helpline – for support with regards to historic abuse  Freephone, 24-hour: 0808 2000 247 http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

    <!  Gingerbread Single Parent Helpline – Freephone 0808 802 0925  Opening hours: Mon 10 – 6, Tues 10- 4, Wed 10 – 1 & 5 – 7, Thurs 10 – 4, Fri 10 – 4 They can be busy so callers can expect to wait up to 20 minutes before the call is answered.

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