Don’t want to be a mum any more

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  • #40403 Report

    InABlackHole
    Participant

    I know people will probably hate on me for posting this. Feel free, I hate me too.

    Long story short. Husband cheated on me, and I now have to split parenting 50/50. I have a nearly 3yr old and a 7yr old, both boys. They were both planned for and very wanted, and I loved our family life.

    But I can’t do this any more. I’m a terrible mother – I have depression, no energy and I’m angry all the time. The house is a cess pit, I struggle to entertain them. My kids fight constantly, and my 7yr old is horrible. He constantly needs attention, and seems to thrive on it being negative. So he bullies his brother, throws tantrums at even the smallest requets (put clothes on, do some school work, etc), and demands things constantly. This was there before the seperation, he is disruptive at school too.

    I just tried to get them out into the garden (which they love), and they spent the whole time fighting, crying and asking to come back inside. God knows what the neighbours think.

    I just can’t do this any more. I’m damaging them, and myself. I spend the whole time counting the days until they’re back with my ex, who of course they idolise. He ripped this family apart and I didn’t sign up to struggle like this on my own. This wasn’t why I wanted our children. I was a single mum before (oldest is 18 now) and it was too hard then. Now I have two young kids I’m not cut out for after being duped by a man who I thought would always be there.

    My kids tell me they hate me all the time and that they want to be with daddy. Maybe I should just walk away?

    #40404 Report

    InABlackHole
    Participant

    I don’t know what I expect from posting this, I know there isn’t an answer. I just…had to get it out.

    #40406 Report

    Sxj
    Participant

    We all have dark times. I feel for you. I don’t think many people see being a single parent as an ideal situation.

    Is there anyone you can talk to? Anyone you can ask for support? Could you speak to the doctor about your depression and maybe go for CBT?

    I’m finding the pandemic hard as hell too. We are having arguments, angry mum time, oldest 9 likes to pick a fight. Is there anything you all like to do to reconnect? Mine is movie night with mine, but we did a spa night last week and that was nice too. Relaxing music, face masks, pretend massage, did my little ones nails. Maybe that would help? Big love. You are under a lot of pressure.

    #40411 Report

    picklepie24
    Participant

    My two youngest 8 and 6 are with my ex husband 50% of the time, my six year old asks me from the moment he gets back how many sleeps until he can go back to daddy’s.  I just dropped him off thank god so i get two whole days where i don’t have to listen to crappy you tube videos and argue with him because he won’t go outside because it’s boring.  The reason he loves it there is because it’s just him and his sister, here he has to be with my older two kids and daddy and grandma buy him anything he wants.  I refuse to buy his affection, my 8 years old knows what’s going on and i’m hoping he will grow out of it soon like she did.

     

    Lockdown is just making everything worse usually we go out on trips, something which daddy can never be bothered to do, being stuck in the house is getting to us all.

    #40413 Report

    Lorraine123
    Participant

    Hi. You’ve been through such a lot please give yourself a break. You haven’t done anything wrong don’t hate yourself, you’re just someone who’s been going through a tough time and it’s really really hard. You’re angry with the deception from someone you loved, this isn’t your fault, he was in the wrong not you. It takes time to get over this. Honestly I thought I’d never get through it and couldn’t see how my life could get any better but it does. Unfortunately it takes time to heal. Kids and parents are all getting irritable being stuck inside and I think it’s normal that there’s a few more tantrums than usual but this is harder to cope with when you have other emotional stuff going on. When the kids go to their dads take some time to do something nice for yourself, you deserve it. And please don’t worry about what your house looks like, if you’ve had kids at home for the past two months nothing is going to be tidy! Look after yourself.

    #40423 Report

    Domino34
    Participant

    I was so sad to read your post. I’m a single mum too, with a 6 and 7 year old. I completely understand the feelings of anger and self-loathing that you’re having at the moment, so please don’t think you are on your own (in fact, this lockdown has made even the most secure mums question their parenting and want to step away!).

    I am getting so angry and frustrated with my situation; my kids bicker constantly, home learning has been a disaster, the house is a mess (I’m just piling up stuff in Ikea bags and hiding it in the wardrobe!). I’m crying a lot in front of the children too, then I feel so guilty that I’m a crap mum and that I’m causing them long-term damage. Most days I feel like a pressure cooker about to explode.

    The children’s father and I split in October, and 4 weeks later he met his current lady-friend. He moved in with her and her two pre-teens in February; they live less than a mile away, yet be is doing the bare minimum in terms of childcare. Despite this, my 7 year old son absolutely idolises him. To top it all, we were in the middle of a house renovation, which I’ve had to take on myself!

    You mention you’re depressed; have you been to the Dr? I have a tendency to get low, and when my former partner and I split up, my doctor prescribed anti-depressants to get me out of the black hole I was in. They’re not a long term solution, but us mums need to do everything we can to keep our heads above water!

    Regarding the every day care of the children, do you have anyone to help (a friend, or family member)? I know lockdown makes it hard, but these sound like exceptional circumstances to me – single/sole parent, who is struggling. You need a break. And I’m wondering whether your 7 year old is punishing you? Would you be able to have some one-on-one time with him, just the two of you?

    Anyway, I wanted to say I’m so sorry this is happening and I really hope things start to improve.

    PS I laughed when you mention the neighbours – exactly the same this end!

    #40425 Report

    backontheshelf
    Participant

    Sending hugs xxx i have a 7 and 8 year old and am getting outrageous behaviour from the two of them. They went to their Dads for the first time during lockdown this weekend and are due back today, part of me is dreading it as i know i will have to run the emotional gauntlet with them again.

    #40893 Report

    Mel
    Participant

    Oh bless you! Firstly well done for coming on here and finding somewhere to talk. If you were really a rubbish mum you wouldn’t have done this.
    The hardest thing to get through is being cheated on or left with young children while your ex goes off and does whatever he wants, has freedom. It makes you feel so angry!!! I’ve been through similar.
    Had my eldest daughter Ella (now 15 yrs old) when I was 21. I’d been with her dad for 4 years. I was 17 and he was 15 so very young.
    We didn’t plan to have a baby so young and were careful but things happen.
    His first reaction to the news was “well we can’t keep it” and mine was “it’s happened and I’m doing it with or without you”

    We got married the following year when she was 3 months old. It was a good relationship really.

    2 years later we started trying for another baby. That’s a long story for another time haha. Anyway had a shock finding out I was 5 months pregnant with my son Eden (now 13) at a routine scan in October 2006 and on Christmas Eve 2 months later I found out he had cheated on me!

    I sensed something was off so I followed him one day and caught him at her house. Immediately I went home packed his stuff and threw it out the front door!

    Went through the rest of my pregnancy alone with a 2 year old and It ruined my pregnancy so much I dreaded the birth and didn’t think I would cope.

    I went through so many ups and downs. Times when the kids would be so naughty and wouldn’t listen. Wouldn’t go to sleep. Wanted their Daddy not me!
    I hated him for leaving me and his children! I had to gather every bit of strength I could in order to go against my heart and hide my anger from them.
    Some days I would cry all day in despair. All i wanted to do was cry. They cried for their daddy when he didn’t put them to bed or they were sad. I felt worthless and pathetic and unloveable.
    They had no idea what their dad did to their mum but when I got to my wits end I wanted so much to be able to tell them what he did. I NEVER WOULD! I waited until they grew up a little and asked me why they have parents who don’t live together. Even then I told them he fell out of love with mummy NOT you! He left mummy NOT you!
    Explaining to them after a day with their dad who the girl was at his house with daddy was horrible!
    I had depression anxiety and thoughts of killing myself. It was only once for a few minutes but I thought it.
    Then I thought I have 2 beautiful children who need me and I want to see them grow up. Plus if I was gone they would be brought up by HIM! If you knew him you’d agree it would have been the worst thing for them!
    Anyway over the first months I went out a lot with friends. Pubs clubs while mum had my kids for the night.
    Had friends round or went out with them often but the evenings and nights alone were the worst.
    Children can push a person to the edge and I went to breaking point a few times. Shouting at them and sometimes over reacting to behaviour that wasn’t really that bad but it was one thing too many.
    I thought I was a bad mum a lot of the time. But I kept going. My mum is my role model. My ‘father’ cheated on her and she raised three kids alone. She was so strong and did everything she could to give us a great childhood.
    Well, now I’m 36 and have just split up with my partner who I had 3 children with. They are 5, 4 and 11 months. I fell into the worst state I’ve been in for years! Continuous mood changes. Crying for no reason, angry at nothing, happy and elated playing with the kids. I wondered why me and why again?! What’s wrong with me?

    Ill stop waffling on but you need to know what you’re feeling is normal!!
    It’s almost like grief.
    Lockdown caused our relationship to end. That and a few other things I’ve been putting up with for too long.
    Our house is tidy some days and then a state other days! Sometimes I just don’t want to do the housework!! Why bother tidying up behind kids all day?? Leave it til you get time or feel like it. As long as they’re fed and clean and healthy you’re doing a great job!!!

    Good things came out of all this too. Being a single mum made me so much stronger and I learned that I could be happy or even happier on my own.
    I was single for the next 4 years! I didn’t want to meet anyone. I didn’t ever want more children. I was content and didn’t rely on anyone.
    I met my ex partner on a spontaneous night at the pub with mates. Took him home that night lol and together from 2011 to a month ago.
    Took a lot to let anyone close to me again and let down my walls a little but I did it.
    I know I’ll be fine on my own this time because I’ve done it before. A little harder with 5 this time but I realise I’m happier. The relationship was full of arguing making up and not knowing if he would be in a good mood or not each day.
    I have my kids and I have my home. I’m proud to say I’m a single mum of 5!

    #40983 Report

    AD8791
    Participant

    Hi, I can relate to everything you’ve said. Please please know that you’re doing the best you can under really difficult circumstances and your children love you! I have a 9 and 6yr old. Their Father had an affair when youngest was 18mths and left. This is not what I signed up for, life should have been very different. Had a good cry in the kitchen the other day.

    You’re not alone. My two are either playing nicely or fighting, or then turning on me! They’ve only got eachother to wind up at the moment.

    I find going for daily walks to explore new areas really helps. At the end of each day, I reiterate before bed just how much I love them and we chat about any concerns they have. I bought a worry monster, which they use to write down anything that is troubling them and just talk about it.

    Please don’t think you can’t do this… You can and it will get easier. I’m moody and grumpy on some days, and then the next day it’s a bit better. Swings and roundabouts! I promise you that your children love you.

    #41026 Report

    Kate9123
    Participant

    I have 3 boys on my own I’m 31 my boys are 7,4,2 omg I feel you!!!! I’m constantly depressed feeling tearful sad and lonely, and all the thinking makes me knackered!!! I have no get up and go and feel as though I’m shouting at the boys all the time too!! they all fight all 3 of them!!! I think when your not ok yourself the kids pick up on that and make it 10x worse!!! With there fighting misbehaving and constant messing up you are going through a lot and I am also! Can’t you ask dad if he could have them a bit longer until you have relaxed and chilled had time for you!!! The dad to my kids has them once a week I’m so drained and an emotionally wreck!! It’s even harder now with this virus!! Not only that because I have 3 boys no one will have all 3 overnight both nans just have one child which helps slightly but this isn’t a break!!!!  Xx

    #41034 Report

    Torturerteacher
    Participant

    It does help to know that other mothers are going through the same thing. I thought I would have to call the GP and surrender today. Terrible rows with (nearly) ex when he visited at the weekend and my son yesterday about not riding on a bike with broken breaks. As always my son is left believing he does not need to listen, behave, respect or love. It is just my son and me at home. So many years of being so close but now he does not want to know. The perfect home-schooler, he now calls my the torturer-teacher because he hates learning with me. The problem is that he hates school equally so my heart is broken for him. I should get sponsored for the buckets full of tears. Sending love to other mothers trying so hard to survive and keep their children safe.

    #41051 Report

    Booksbunny7
    Participant

    Gosh my heart really goes out for you! Please don’t feel alone or bad about yourself! Bloody hell you’ve been through it! And as you’re grieving the end of the relationship your ex is all happy and so it’s easy for him to play happy families.

    Please go the GP. Your mood is affecting your perception. You are not a bad mum and they are not better off without you. I don’t think you will be happy without the children – not with you saying you loved family life. It’s just the depression. It can be treated and you will feel like you again!

    However I think you need to change things and do need a break to heal. It’s too much stress on you right now, you sound in despair and I’m so sorry. If the role was reversed and you’d cheated I’m sure you’d take the kids more if he said he needed space to heal? Could you change responsibility – do only 2 days and nights a week? Be easier to make those days fun, especially if they were split up over a week. Or just do a day and no nights. Try get it on your terms. Think as best you can what space you need balanced by keeping the relationship with the kids. Then build back up to 50% when you feel strong again.

    I have 90% custody, during lockdown nearly 100%, so I know it’s knackering. Kids are hard work. And when we’re upset they know it, but instead of comforting us they act out as they feel afraid and lash out. And some kids are harder work than others.

    I hope seeing so many comments makes you realise no-one thinks you’re bad. But please think how to change things and don’t just stay as you are. You sound at breaking point. Fight to get yourself back on track, and then figure your way back to being a happy mum again. Don’t beat yourself up.

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