Don't know where to start

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  • #17062 Report

    Tonijade24
    Participant

    Hello,

    My husband moved out a week ago and now it’s just me and my 2 dc, ds 9 who is my husband’s biological child and dd 13 who is his stepchild but has been her dad for 12 years. Our marriage lasted 10 years and was mostly happy but things happened and he has made the decision that he can’t be with me any more. I am currently  in service family accomodation as he is in the military and he has moved back to the barracks. I now have 93 days (less now) to find somewhere for me and the children to live. This is putting so much pressure on me and I don’t feel I can greive the end of my marriage because I am stressing about putting a roof over our heads. I have made a claim for universal credit and have filled the online form in for the housing register. The part of the country we live is stupidly expensive but I need to stay here due to children’s schools, my job and so they can maintain regular contact with their dad. We are telling the children tomorrow  and i am petrified as we will shatter their world. They have no idea. My son is so close to his dad and he will he heartbroken. Now that my husband has moved out we cannot keep it secret anymore. I have looked at private rentals but lha does not match rent and finding a landlord that will take me seems near on impossible. I think I should go down the council route but am petrified of tempoary accomodation and the effect it will have on my children. It’s all such a mess. I feel so alone and scared to tell them tomorrow. Thank you for listening, guess i needed to vent x

    #17072 Report

    fipple
    Participant

    Do you have extended family? ie mother.father!?…

    Any outside support ?… i ask because, as you already know…This is going to be hard!

    Since Aug 1st my life has crashed in beyond comprehension….though ,i’m still at the family home-until i can find a home(council)  ive gone through emotions i didnt know existed!

    All i can say is…time! … although that can serve us in two ways of course…but some days are better than others and all the other cliches …but day 1 starts today(today being Monday 22nd)  Just know that people are here for you hopefully!…And you can at least know that you can call upon people here ….im more than happy,to at least be someone, on the end of a message board.That gives you an outlet and hopefully some hope..

    There are plenty of people,im sure.That can give you advise…who are going through similar situations.

    I hope well for you today….

    Take your time….but simply message as and when and i’ll reply as soon as i can..

    Regrettably people dont stick around in marriages any longer….just know youre not alone!

     

    #17077 Report

    Tonijade24
    Participant

    Thank you for your kind reply.

    I have my mum and my grandparents, my dad died when I was a baby and I’m an only child, so a very small family!

    My family live about an hour away sadly but are doing what they can to support me emotionally.

    I am just overwhelmed with everything and so scared of telling our children about this. They have no idea that this is coming.

    I definatley think the practical side is the bit worrying me at the moment, the thought of the kids having to leave the only home they can remember and possibly moving to tempoary accomodation. Private rentals are so expensive and although I work full time my wage no way covers rent here. I have contacted a few agents and they are most unhelpful when I mention that I will have to claim universal credit.

    I would also need to find an additional £200ish an month as the local housing allowance is not reflective of the cost of renting here, I am sure the same goes for other areas too!

    My life is such a mess and I am struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel. If it was just me I would not be so afraid, it’s my children that I am scared for.

    I am glad I have found this forum though, reading through other people’s experiences has helped me a great deal!

    #17091 Report

    Stars123
    Participant

    Sorry to hear what you are going through.  I’m sorry I cannot help with the housing situation but when it comes to telling your children I have experience.  My husband left at the end of July.  Our children are 8 and 10.  He left with his stuff when the children were in bed on the Monday night but came back on the Tuesday so we could talk to them together.  We just told them that mummy and daddy weren’t being very good friends at the moment and that he was going to stay at his parents to see if could help us to be better friends.  They were devastated but I think they understood with the language we used.  After a few tears he left and I sat down with our 2 girls and asked if they had any questions and the 3 of us cried together.  I think it’s good for them to see you sad and upset but in a controlled way if that makes sense.  My eldest (10 year old) did become very worried about me being on my own and if she went out with daddy etc she would get upset about me being alone, but I had to show her that I was okay and it has gotten better for her.  I have been as open with them as I can (without telling them their daddy is a lying cheating you know what!) and it has actually helped us to have a closer relationship, they talk openly to me about how they are feeling.  Unfortunately their dad isn’t so great at talking to them and won’t give them straight answers, so when they asked if he was ever coming home, he replied maybe so then they came in all excited that he might come back when in reality he doesn’t want to he just can’t tell them the truth. So I think what I am trying to say is be as honest as you can, don’t **** each other off and just be there for them.  You have each other and I honestly don’t think I would have got through this if it wasn’t for my girls.  We had been together 20 years and I didn’t see it coming at all, I thought we had a great happy life together. It’s hard but you can do it. Xx

    #17123 Report

    Tonijade24
    Participant

    Thank you. Well we did it, we sat down together and explained that we both still love them and that we are still a family, but there are different sorts of families. We said that it’s nothing they have done and that it’s not their fault at all. We said that sometimes grown ups grow apart and that we both still care about eachother but cannot be in a relationship any more.

    Our daughter cried her eyes out and our son took it in his stride. We all went out to macdonalds afterwards and everyone seemed ok. It was very surreal actually.

    I have told the kids that they will experience all sorts of emotions and that all are normal and ok and that they can talk to me or their dad any time about their feelings.

    It was so hard because this is not what I wanted at all. I am feeling very lonely today! I have started to clear out some junk which felt quite theraputic actually. I don’t know how to fill my time really, I am sure I will get used to it. The house situation is still stressing me out but I can’t share that with the kids because it’s just more adult problems!

     

    #17161 Report

    Neidra
    Participant

    Well done for looking for help in the right places. Contact ‘shelter’ and citizens advice… the more info you can get on options the better. He will have to support you and pay maintenance even without you going to court… you just have to fill out a form.

    There is always light at the end of the tunnel. Keep reaching out 🙂

    #17190 Report

    Shirl26
    Participant

    Hi ToniJade

     

    I am sad to read of your situation and the current crisis regards finding accommodation.

    I know it may not be practical in terms of finding a suitable abode however, I think it might be a good idea if you ask the childrens father if he might assist you in financially supporting you with a portion of the cost of finding and maintaining a place to live until you are able to at least find your feet and navigate the gauntlet of appointments that are required to be able to receive financial support from the government and work out some agreeable maintenance for the children. It’s no doubt one of many dilemmas that will present themselves to you over the coming months, but try to keep a practical approach as you push ahead, all too often our emotional thinking murkies our rational thinking at times like these.

    You may not feel comfortable asking for financial support from the childrens father after he has ended the marriage, however he should be considerate of the needs of the children first and foremost, finding suitable accommodation for you all should be at the top of his list of priorities not just yours.

     

    I have a family member who had gone through a not too dissimilar  situation aanumber of years ago, I  found this link which she found helpful. I hope you do too!

     

    I hope you find something suitable and that you give yourself time to heal x

    https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.ssafa.org.uk/help-you/currently-serving/support-military-women-and-families&ved=2ahUKEwj4ub3Mo6HeAhUELewKHSbOCh4QFjAQegQIBBAB&usg=AOvVaw2boMSwXuBM_-hrH61Sq-FY

    #17466 Report

    Jace072
    Participant

    Hello,

    I hope you are doing ok at the moment. I too have been through something similar to you.

    I’m thinking that you have look into any support the military can give you! Both my parents were military and when the divorced my dad was made to stand up for his responsibilities, financially. This was quite some years ago but surely they wouldn’t let him get away with not supporting his child/children financially. Is there not a family support officer around that can help you?

    If you get universal credit you should get some help with your rent & council tax so please try not to stress too much about that. I know that’s easier said than done.

    <span style=”display: inline !important; float: none; background-color: transparent; color: #333333; font-family: Georgia,’Times New Roman’,’Bitstream Charter’,Times,serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 24px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;”>You will have bad days, days when you think you cant take any more, but you will also have really good days. You are already doing a great job and don’t ever forget that. </span>

    I wish I could be of more help to you.

    Take care.

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