Don’t know what to do – pregnant

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  • #34628 Report


    Good morning everyone,
    I have never been on here before, so please bare with me. I have found myself in a bit of a dilemma , I don’t know what to do and would just really appreciate some advice from anyone who has been in the same situation. I am 33 years old, self employed , have been with my current partner for 8 years and have a lovely 9 year old boy. I never really thought about having any more children , and my other half has always been very adamant that he definitely does not want any children. He has been amazing with my son , especially as he got older. We have had our issues , however have always worked through them somehow. Last year I got pregnant ( genuinely not sure how until this very day , I was on birth control and he takes medication that is suppose to make his swimmers fairly immobile ). I was utterly shocked and did not know what to do , I told him and he just said that he did not want to have a child. I have to please just say that it wasn’t done in a mean way , he had always said the same. We went to and fro , I felt like I wanted to child but not, contemplated finances, other child work etc etc. We went to bpas for some counselling to help, and again he was adamant that he did not want a child, and would not have anything to do with it. He then just completely shut off. He was not nasty to me , he just could not say anything. In the end the prospect of being a single mum frustration , finances etc etc got the best of me and I opted for a termination ( please do not judge me , I tried my best to see another way out but just could not at the time , it was an extremely painful thing for me to do). I really really really struggled to get over it , had counselling etc. My other half had agreed to have a vasectomy , but when we went to the appointment he freaked and could not go through with it.  After I tried and tried to talk to him about birth control as my current birth control had obviously not worked , but could not get through so just remained on the pill. I have now just found out that I am pregnant again. I have not yet told him, I know what his reaction is going to be and I know that he will not want this child.
    I wanted to see if anyone else has been in this situation and had the baby ? If so how do you manage on your own , going through pregnancy, birth etc alone ? How did your older children react ? How do you afford it ? Any self employed mums in my situation that could enlighten me to what I can do with work etc ?  Last time I did not speak to anyone in a similar situation who had actually gone through this and really wish I had as I made a decision based and frustration and not knowing what do or having help. Sorry for the very long post and thanks for any help

    #34633 Report


    I’ve not been through this, but I just wanted to say I have however been through a termination recently. Don’t ever feel bad that you made that decision if it was the best thing for you to do.. I do think you should speak to your partner as soon as possible. As I understand it, you can cause yourself potential damage having two terminations close together, so it was unfair of him to put all the pressure on you and your birth control knowing it had already failed once. But you do need to discuss what to do now. Sending you lots of love during what is obviously going to be a tough time. Good luck with whatever you do x

    #34644 Report


    I think you have to decide whether you can go thro another termination so your partner doesn’t make life harder for you. I read that the first time was so hard for you to do, is it something you can put yourself thru again and maybe again next year and so on til he gets his act together and has the op which would solve the problem.

    My own thoughts are that it’s hypocritcal of him to expect you to go thru a termination again, once he knows you are pregnant, and all that pain it caused you because he is too afraid of having the op which in comparison is a little job to what you have just gone thru. I really do hope you can work this out for your own best interests. xx


    #34653 Report


    Hi ! I just joined the forum. I agree with Kath, you showed your will to come half way with his preference but he then didn’t act. I think it is this time more your decision that his. I have been in a relationship for over three years. Not the easier one but we had family projects. When I fell pregnant, he freaked out and asked me to terminate. I said no, not at my age – 40 – and considering we’ve been partners for long time, not just a fling. He’s obviously crossed about it and does not want to hear about it, but I follow my own path and will see what happens with or without him. I already feel like a single mum anyway. I do readings on the web on my own, I take medical appointments on my own, watch my body changes on my own. Weirdly I don’t feel that bad, apart from recent mood swings where my friends have been more supportive than my kind of partner – we are sort of separating as well – so I think it’s up to you. I am happier since I am pregnant but that may be because it’s the first time. I stopped drinking and I enjoy sugar cravings I did not have for years !! I have no idea yet how I will cope financially. That is something I must consider sooner than later, but I hope as a lady wrote above that there is support for us if we decide to go solo.

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