Don’t know what to do if abusive ex partner gets back in touch to see our son?
21 July 2018 at 8:45 am #13658
Hi. New to this forum and forums in general actually 😳 Looking for some advice on what route to take when ex partner wants to start seeing our son again.
We were together for 5.5yrs and long story short, he was always a psychological bully, controlling, heavy drinker etc I’ve even found two empty bags of coke on my floor during those 5yrs and I am strongly against drugs! He’s always picked and chose when he wants to be in our lives using petty excuses such as me not showing him a message on my phone to leave for weeks on end. Eventually it escalated to him smashing his phone and cutting my head and on another occasion me having to call the police to get him removed from my house because he was drunk and threatening to take our son…At which point my other three children from previous were witness to this then on another occasion (after he had wormed his way back in) the same sort of scenario… I had been swimming, he was drunk on my return and accused me of all sorts. It was then apparent that he does things behind my back like check my phone and underwear…wtf?😳 he then went on to call me a sl*g in earshot of my children to which the two eldest (16&13) felt to defend me so again I asked him to leave.
Que our son getting rushed to hospital. Naturally I informed him. He turned up stinking of alcohol. It was late on a Sunday night but I had told him to stay away until we were moved from resus as he hadn’t seen our son for weeks and I didn’t want him getting excited or distressed as he heart rate was already too high. Again he thre abuse at me, didn’t listen and came. Three days in again I had to ask him to leave as he caused a scene on the ward accusing me of going to meet somebody when I was going to the hospital cafe.
Since then which was over 6 weeks ago, after telling me he’s been to counciling, needs CBT and scored as urgently needing mental health intervention…. he’s not been in touch. Not asked how our son is not offered any financial help until Tuesday, he used my birthday as an excuse to message to say how well he was doing, had got himself a car, doesn’t live in our town anymore and is ‘nearly there’ with regards to being a good father and all round normal person… didn’t even ask about our son just all about himself as usual.
There’s a lot more to add and now I look back I don’t know why I didn’t run for the hills back then but now I find myself worrying about when he does want to see our son again.
My son and I have a very close bond from breast feeding to cosleeping, he’s 2.5yrs. My ex has joint parental responsibility and used to threaten things like taking him abroad while I was still feeding him. I’ve never left him overnight.
I never have and wouldn’t stand in the way of my children and their fathers relationships (even though they turned out to be lousy parents🙄) and our son does love seeing his dad… I think the packet of quavers and fruitshoot for dinner swings it!
I just have no way of knowing if his father will see him once and then disappear again for a long period of time. I can tell from his message on Tuesday that nothing has changed and he’s still the same. Then there’s the fact that I don’t know where he now lives. The last place being a bedsit that he wasn’t allowed children at and where his ridiculous housemate put a bag of coke in his pocket at the checkout of a supermarket when myself and my son were stood right there!
Then there’s his mental health issues. Which I now don’t know anything about.
He has never abused the kids physically but they have witnessed his psychological abuse, bullying and sulking to get what he wants. In the past he has used contact with our son to abuse me on my doorstep in front of him and I know he will say things to our son…he just can’t help himself. But he does it very cleverly and it just breaks my heart to think that I am letting my son be in the same position that I was for all of those years.
I was wondering do I speak to a mediator or solicitor? I don’t want to stop our son from seeing his father but I don’t know what is for the best.
Do I just allow him to continue to drop in and out of our sons life as and when he can be bothered, not knowing where he’s taking him and if he’s safe. Or can I stand up for my son and say you’re not doing it to him anymore?!
Sorry for the long post, there’s just lots to get a proper picture of how things have been.
Any thoughts/advice/action to take would be much appreciated xxxx21 July 2018 at 12:21 pm #13665
Thanks for your reply.
Yes the multi agency HUB were informed who then in turn informed two of my sons schools and I’ve had to have an EHA and liaise with the family worker at one of them.
My ex is British. I should point out that I am no longer breast feeding and he hasn’t threatened to take our son abroad recently….. but looking back that was the level of psychological threats he used to make, to give you some idea.
Yes the staff would have seen as he followed me, with our son who was very poorly, out of the ward. It would have been on the camera outside the ward door too. The only thing that stopped him attempting to come back on the ward was me telling him that I would inform the staff that I had a previous domestic dispute on him and I had already asked him not to be there.
Im just worried how it’s effecting our son him not being around for so long and he’s so unreliable I worry that he will want to see him then again not bother for a length of time.
Luckily our son is quite accustomed to him not being around at it’s just normal for him but I’m guessing one day he’s going to question why daddy is ‘at work’ for such a long time…..
Do I just allow him to dip in and out to maintain contact for our son?
But at the same time I feel it will damage him in some way and I want to protect him from that and make his father be responsible and consistent.