Dont know what to do for the best

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  • #45952 Report

    Carlton74
    Participant

    Hi all. I’m in turmoil! I’ve two children who have just turned 9 and 10. Since I first became pregnant the relationship I’ve had with their Dad has been very up and down, to say the least – more down! I wont go in to all the details as we’ll all get bored, but to cut a long story short he’s never even liked me,let alone loved me. And that has resulted in 11 years of confusion. Hes been abusive for a lot of it, emotionally only, and nice for a bit of it. The nice bits have been enough to give me hope we can be a family, and then once he has us back, the abuse starts again, and I have to get out of it again. In the past when we have been separated, we have remained ‘friends’ because I forgive every time, and have still done family things together. The most recent separation however, has been awful. He came back to the family home for the first lockdown in march, and within days was getting drunk and being abusive. This ended up and the kids and I leaving the family home and moving back to my house I bought way before I met him, that I had rented out. That was just 6 weeks ago. Just before we moved, I found out he’d been having a relationship with a 20 year old (we are 46) for weeks and all the time being mean to me and not spending any time with the kids, being out every night etc. He changed his WhatsApp profile picture to her, my daughter came home in a pair of her shoes, he made sure I saw their sex stained sheets when i went back to the family home to collect more of my things, hes really really rubbed it in my face. Hes hidden me for years. We were never part of his life. And yet this new girl is plastered all over the place. I’m digressing somewhat, but just wanted to tell you where I am right now! So when we have lived together, he doesnt spend any time with the kids or I at all. Nothing. Hes either in the shed, or down the pub, sometimes not coming home for days. When we are not living together he has the kids every other weekend so they get more of him when we are apart. My sister and her partner and kids moved to weymouth 7 years ago, and I have talked about following her for a few years now. Since all that my kids dad has done to me over the years, but especially recently, my parents are now moving down there, and I have said I will too. I’ve talked to the kids about it a few times, and they really happy to move too. Weymouth is 90 miles away from where we are now, and at least a 2h 20 drive. But what’s happened today for me to write all this, is my 9 year old daughter came down from her bed about an hour ago and said ‘mummy what happens to daddy when we go to Weymouth’. And it hit me like a brick. Because we are now separated again, daddy is being nice, and spending time with them. Whereas when I’ve talked about moving before, they can see how mean he is to me, and that hes never around to spend time with the kids. My parents have just accepted an offer on their house here, and now I feel I cant do anything right. If I move my children will blame me for missing their dad, and if I stay my parents will be cross they cant move. I’m sorry this is such a long post, I don’t really know how to explain what’s going on, as I am in the darkest place I have ever been. I don’t know how to make things right again

    #45955 Report

    con1
    Participant

    Very sorry to hear about your turmoil.

    I don’t know any of you so as a complete stranger who doesn’t have a clue, I would say that you need to move to Weymouth with the rest of your family. That means you will have lots of support that you need and that you don’t seem to get wherever you are now. Your kids will NOT hate you for this. If he sees them every 2 weeks, he can continue to do so. I don’t know if he has a car or can take the train (travel is not an issue in the middle of a lockdown if it’s between 2 parents). I think your daughter’s question was just that, a question (But then again I don’t what the tone she said it in). I think you are more emotionally attached to the dad than they are, so you probably have to work on that first. My 50 cent! Best of luck!

    #45958 Report

    neenee87
    Participant

    stay strong hun i have been in your situation.

    Its not easy but you have to be brave and do whats right for you and your children, there is help out there for you. I had help from women’s aid and they have changed my life and helped me get stronger.

    He shouldn’t be treating you like that, you deserve more and so do your kids. Be strong your kids wont hate you for it, my kids thanked me for taking them out of that situation. If you want to chat ill lend you a ear x

    #46011 Report

    Hope7
    Participant

    Hi

    Just reading about your circumstances, as the others have said , going to Weymouth to live near your family seems the best option. You are not moving out of the country so their dad can still arrange to see the children. You deserve to have a life too. These type of decisions are always tough but I hope you and your children find it’s the best one you’ve ever made.

    Take care

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