Don’t know what to do? And it’s making me really anxious

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  • #43484 Report

    Gleaming_gem
    Participant

    Ok so here goes… here’s my story of what I can only see is a making me feel like I cannot breathe..

     

    so I have 2 children (11 and 9) I’m 38 I stupidly sold my house 2 years ago as my husband and I separated and it became a stalemate situation with regards to the house.

    I now live with the children full time in a rented house, I’m on universal credit and he pays £400 a month to support them even tho they live with me full time but I’m not about to rock that boat as I don’t want to cause more hurt than I already have over the years before we separated.

    I work 9-3 4 days a week and have been seeing a guy on and off for the last 2 years since we separated that I work with but have never really discussed it with my ex as it wasn’t anything ever that serious and also didn’t want to upset him even though we aren’t together which must sound so messed up!! My ex has a good job and was able to buy himself a new home which is close by in the same village and he’s literally gutted it and renovating it so hence why the children live with me full time as he spends his weekends renovating and is staying with his mum whilst commuting daily to London for work, so he comes over every week night to see the children and will stay for dinner etc until they go to bed, I guess it feels the same as it did when we lived together… we get on really well now because of no financials etc but I don’t fancy him so it’s not romantic but I guess as he’s been my “home” for 15 years of marriage I guess I’m just used to him being there to talk to and rely on for answers as I’ve never supported myself if this makes sense…
    so that’s the day to day of my life and it’s been like that ever since we separated.. me paying my way in my rented home with him over daily to see the children… and I guess it sort of got stuck in a rut… now so the sort of person I was seeing (he’s 53, my ex is 35) we get on really well and I mean really well we just chat and stuff but if he’s had a drink I cannot talk to him he becomes a completely different person!! And also I worry about the age difference so again have never made a commitment to him as it’s bothers me no idea why!! So now to top off my mess of relationships I’ve discovered I’m pregnant with the guy I have been on and off seeing…

    now I’m stuck in a predicament and whole load of panic!! I worry that by me keeping it I’m too old, I think maybe he’s too old being 53, I worry about if my kids will be hurt and my ex I worry if he will be hurt..

    then I worry about the financials and can I do it alone? Can I? After all the hurt by telling the people I worry about.. I’ve told the father who said he would support either way but all he’s done is stress me out about the money side and being 53 he won’t be able to get a mortgage and cannot afford to get me all the things I’d want for a baby… (he rents too after he’s 3rd divorce)

    I know nobody can help me as such but I just feel overwhelmed, panicked and very alone in this all I have no family to turn too and very few friends as they all sort of dispersed as you get older it’s literally just me, but I’m struggling..

    I wanted to keep it but the stress its already cause over  financials is just too much and that’s before I’ve told me children and the ex!!

    what a massive massive mess!!

     

     

    #43486 Report

    Greenfingers
    Participant

    How many weeks pregnant are you? If considering termination I’m sure the cut off is near to 12 weeks but you’d need to check that. I’m not suggesting you leave it that long but it relieves the pressure to make your decision today, it just gives you some breathing space.
    personally, I don’t think you’re ‘too old’ and I don’t think the chap is either. I suppose if you don’t want to be in a relationship with the guy, then you can come to some arrangement where you can co-parent knowing you won’t be together. That can work. I don’t think you should try bringing him into your established family home ‘to try make things perfect’ right now as I feel that will potentially destroy the stability that you currently have with both your children, and the father of your current children. You seem to have a good relationship with him. I don’t think your kids will be the problem once the baby arrives, they’ll accept it I’m sure.
    you’ll need to decide whether you’re going to be in a relationship with the guy from work going forward, ie. introduce him into your world. It’s not clear whether your current children have met him or are aware that he exists.
    Financially, there’s help. It’ll be the maternity period and possible childcare costs that maybe tight should you return to work. Did you feel complete with 2 children?

    #43499 Report

    Hi Gleaming_gem

    Thank you for posting here on our forum.  I am sure there will be parents who have been in similar situations and can relate to the feelings you have talked about.  Don’t forget that you can discuss your situation and explore options with our helpline advisers.  They are a great team who have the latest up to date information around finances.  Here are there details:

    • Gingerbread Single Parent Helpline – Freephone 0808 802 0925

    Opening hours:  Mon 10 – 6, Tues 10- 4, Wed 10 – 1 & 5 – 7, Thurs 10 – 4, Fri 10 – 4  They can be busy so callers can expect to wait up to 20 minutes before the call is answered.

    I hope this helps and I wish you well for the future.

    Kind regards, Justine

    #43502 Report

    Gleaming_gem
    Participant

    Hi I’m 7 weeks so not far gone so to speak, my kids know the new guy as in he’s been over for work bits etc (working from home) they get on with hi and just see him as mummy’s friend.

    i don’t think I want to be with anyone, I don’t like being told what to do or being controlled by other people’s insecurities, when he’s on form we get on really well but when he’s wobbly he’s really wobbly which then makes me retreat..

     

    I haven’t spoken to him since he had his meltdown over the money side and went off on a well you should just stay in a bubble with your ex speech which I found hurtful and unhelpful, he thinks he’s said nothing wrong and that’s fine and think I need space from him

    I know I want to continue through I am just really worried about everyone else and the hurt I cause to everyone else by my what feels as a selfish decision… I do have a younger sister who is 32 and she is very against the pregnancy and wants me to get it sorted out as I’m far too old…

     

    just feel really sort of cut off and alone with my own thoughts which seem so much worse at night time!

    #43506 Report

    Greenfingers
    Participant

    Yeah, it always feels much worse at night! It’s good you recognise that when the sun comes up the next day, you’ll feel entirely different to how you do during the night.

    You are in control of this one, you have the chance of another child. Possibly your last chance. I suppose it might be helpful to think about how you’ll feel about co-parenting with the father. You don’t have to be in a relationship for it to be a positive outcome. You don’t have to give up what you currently have either. You currently have a financial stability (job, benefits, maintenance), you have your own home and what sounds like a good relationship with your ex partner with regards to your older children. You have a really good level of contact with your current children. It could be a lot worse.

    Life often throws us a square ball, it doesn’t happen as we planned it. That’s life. If there were no external influences (opinionated folks) it sounds like you’d continue with the pregnancy. At 38yrs old, your old enough to make your own decision :0)

    #43511 Report

    Gleaming_gem
    Participant

    I think my main worries are how to tell the dad of my 2 current children as I feel I will hurt him and cause upset and that doesn’t sit well with me and makes me really anxious as I just don’t even know how to address it.

     

    the dad of the baby is so up and down emotionally that I don’t think I could co parent with him, he’s a lovely guy but if he’s been drinking then he becomes so irrational and has a massive issue with my relationship with my ex husband it makes him feel insecure I think and he seems to hate how we get on still and I don’t want to feel like that..

    we fell out last night as all he did was go on about the financials and thought I think I’d rather do it alone..

     

    Since we haven’t spoken I feel less stressed or pressured but don’t know what that means

    #43513 Report

    Greenfingers
    Participant

    Unfortunately, I don’t have the relationship with my ex that you share with yours, I think it’s nice that you’ve remained close despite the separation. Based on that, you owe him the knowledge prior to telling your children. Give him time to digest it and explain that you’ve made a decision not to tell the children immediately as you’re still coming to terms with it yourself. You can reassure him that there’ll be no significant changes to life immediately, with regards to moving house or new people coming to live in the family home. Though in a number of months there will be a new baby.

    When telling your ex re the other chap, I’d be honest and say I’m unsure what the future looks like and at this moment you’d rather just not discuss it until things look clearer for you. But you’ll be open to discussing later when you’ve got your head around the situation yourself. You don’t owe it to discuss any further than that.

    Since you separated you both had the freedom to develop new relationships with others and it shouldn’t make you feel like you’re 16 and telling your dad that you’re pregnant :0)

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by GingerbreadJustine. Reason: removed formatting codes
    #43514 Report

    Gleaming_gem
    Participant

    Thank you for your advice it’s made me feel less alone with all this and your right I’m not a 16 year old telling her dad I’m telling my ex husband (altho still get to divorce 2 years on) and I guess yes technically we aren’t an item so a moment with someone else isn’t a cheating issue (altho feel guilty)

    Yes I do deserve to give him an explanation but think I may keep it to myself until I get past the 12 week bit as if I miscarry I may then cause stress for no reason and think to protect them all from unnecessary hurt would be better.

    I still haven’t spoken to the father today after his comments last night and right now it may sound wrong but I feel less stressed without him needing to be babysat whatcha also maybe wrong

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