Don’t know what to do
23 June 2020 at 10:35 pm #41477
I really feel like I’ve failed at life. I live with my Mum and she constantly puts me down. I’m saving to move out, but can I really buy a house on part time hours? I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m drowning and have no one to talk to. I don’t sleep. I have veins bulging out of my arms and I have constant panic attacks. I’ve lost weight and have dark circles and bags under my eyes. I’m constantly being told I look awful and I won’t get a boyfriend looking as I do. A boyfriend is the last thing I want right now but it hurts to hear these things. I find it hard to keep food down. I feel like a child, she opens my mail and goes through and throws away my things. I had baby clothes locked in a suitcase, she broke the lock because she wanted to know what was in there. She threw away my baby clothes and shoes and put dvds in there when I was at work. She said I didn’t need the baby clothes anymore as my little one had grown out of them. I kept it for sentimental value. I’m tired of living like this. I want to be a good and happy Mum but I’m struggling with myself at the moment. Does anyone know what I can do?24 June 2020 at 10:00 am #41567
Firstly, you’re not failing at life, you’re just going through it a bit at the moment, and you’re starting to do something about it so alls not lost. You can still buy a house with a part time job as far as I’m aware as the lender will look at your overall income, like child benefit, working tax credit, or whatever the equivalent is today, as well as your part time wage. These are things you’d have to look into, maybe on the gov website, or citizens advice.
Not meaning to be disrespectful, but your mum sounds like she could do with some help, that isn’t right invading privacy like that, or talking to you like that. I’m guessing she wouldn’t hear you if you suggested counselling though. Mine was kind of similar, but more in a kind of overprotectiveness gone mad, so attempted to stop me doing things because of her own fear of the outcome, it did hinder me a bit when I was younger, but once I saw what it was, did something about it. This was a long time ago mind, but we sorted things out.
It does sound like you need to be out and get a bit of distance, sooner rather than later. Do you think you may be ok with renting in the short term as that may be a quicker way out than trying to arrange a mortgage?24 June 2020 at 10:55 am #41575
Thank you so much for replying Adam79,
I’ve tried to rent but my credit isn’t great. Im fixing it as I save. You’re not being disrespectful, it’s true. If I suggested counselling she would say im being disrespectful. Getting help is a form of weakness to her. I am on anti depressants and she always comments on it. She said I wouldnt get a job because I wasn’t wearing make up and earnings to a job interview, but I got the job. I have to get away from her. I’m sorry you went through that and I’m proud of you, you saw what it was and you did something about it. I’m glad you sorted it out. Mums are supposed to build our self confidence, let us know that we can do anything we put our mind to and we are great just the way we are. That’s what I do for mine. Thank you for your advice and listening.24 June 2020 at 12:19 pm #41578
I think it’s a generational thing, my father’s the same. Thank you, that’s very kind.
I think it would help if you can differentiate when she’s being like that, it’s something she’s going through, or there’s an underlying reason, because it’s actually got nothing to do with you, you’re just the unfortunate recipient. The more you hear something the more you believe it, until its all you hear. I took on board someone else’s fear for a time, and while I did, admittedly it kept me extremely safe, ultimately it was crippling and stopped me from doing a lot of things. We have since talked in depth about it all, but that took time for us both to get to a point where we could do it in a productive way.
I’m not entirely sure what to suggest about the housing at the moment, but if you can just change your thinking around the way your mum talks to you, it may ease the stress just a little in the short short term.
Have you actually spoke to your mum about moving out?24 June 2020 at 4:52 pm #41595
I think talking helps. I used to not talk about things because I was embarresd about things and didn’t want to be a burden, but it actually helps. Thank you so much for listening and for the advice you’ve given me. I have to block it out and remember that I am ok just the way I am. I am enough and I don’t need to have a boyfriend or a husband to validate myself. It’s true, the more you hear something the more you believe it. You are strong. I’m glad that you were able to get to that point where you could talk in a productive way. I don’t think my Mum and I will ever get to that point. I don’t want to save my relationship with her anymore. She can see what she’s doing to me and doesn’t want to stop. I think she is a bully. I’m going to leave and not look back. Everything is always so difficult. I want to be happy. I want to sleep at night. I want to have peace. Thank you. I have spoken to my Mum about moving out and she said I won’t be able to do it on my own. I’m going to do it. I have a goal and I’m going to reach it.24 June 2020 at 9:12 pm #41609
That’s exactly it, you are enough, and always have been. The only person you need validation from is yourself. As hard as it may be some days, it’s important to reinforce the positive, and ignore the negative. And as the negative is predominantly coming from someone else, try to ignore them. I could even hear her in my head when I was going to do something I wanted to do, but automatically started to reel off the familiar reem of potential terrible outcomes. Now I just ignore it, it’s just practice I suppose. Its an immovable anxiety, but it can be stepped over, or bypassed. Don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t work absolutely every time. But it does more often than not.
It does sound a bit like her behaviour is fear of you leaving, trying to make you believe you can’t do it alone. In saying that I’m not excusing it. You will do it, definitely, just keep it in sight.