Domestic violence and child contact

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  • #64235 Report

    Mummy95
    Participant

    Hi I’m just wondering if there is anyone who can offer help support or advice. I left a domestic violent relationship a year ago. I have a child with that person, she is two years old. He has threatened our child in the past and also was abusive to her on one occasion. He wanted contact with our child and so he took me through family court. They now see eachother an hour a week at a contact centre supervised. Our child always talks about her father and she seems so happy, the supervisor told me they have a great bond. I know I should be happy they get along but it’s really hard for me to pretend I like him or pretend he’s a good dad or a nice person when I know he’s not. I’m still hurting over what he done to me and I find it so hard to accept that our child’s father abused me for years. How do I over come this? It’s mentally killing me.

    #64260 Report

    Sonzie2
    Participant

    Hi there,

    I think your feelings are 100% valid.  Your ex was a monster to abuse you and threaten hurting yr child  ! .  I have strong views on this as my own dad was domestically abusive to my mum, you did amazing to get your child away from it at such a young age as hopefully she will not  have memories of it dont underestimate how strong you were to do that.  I dont speak to my dad now – I did idolise him.as a young child for some reason but I feel very indifferent to him now and have told him that, I told him that by hurting my mum he hurt me and there is no excuse for it. My parents divorced when I was 5 but he traumatised my mum for a few years after that so I do have memories of that and my older siblings have more – I dont ring him at christmas or care he spends it alone as he always used to ruin christmas for us so none of us feel a shred of guilt about it.  All we care about is our little mum.  She hates him and used to hate us seeing him and as I got older I really understood her and thought it brought back her trauma- he was a nasty violent bully and didn’t deserve kids or a wife.  I think you are completely valid feeling the way you do.  I have to say that I feel gobsmacked that the courts feel he shld have contact with your daughter even though he threatened to hurt her and was abusive even if it just was once.  His rights shld have been taken away.  My mum had a restraining order against our dad and we saw him very rarely which was definitely for the best for us !   It’s all very well the supervisor saying they have a great bond after seeing each other for 1 hour a week but seriously anyone can be nice for a hour !! Did the courts make your ex attend any rehabilitation for his domestic violence ? I’d want to know he was having some sort of anger management or something like that.  Sorry I dont have much advice on how to deal with your resentment but your resentment is very normal and  valid! Xx

    #64262 Report

    CA21
    Participant

    Hiya,

    I separated from my ex 6 months ago with a baby 11 months old. I am not sure if I can advise how to get over it but I have been having therapy to help me deal with the abuse and understand what happened and protect myself for the future. It has helped me know my worth and also heal or at least come to terms with the emotional manipulation, verbal and physical abuse. In terms of child contact your ex needs to prove himself and this will have to be done over a long period of time. I have no doubt he will be holding it together through supervised contact but over time his behaviour may slip. I recommend keeping a diary/ log of everything including your daughters behaviour and any changes. If you have any concerns for her welfare regarding contact you have children a services to support you. I don’t think you ever can forgive someone for abuse it is more about accepting it happened and not blaming yourself for it. Have you made a referral to your local DV services as they may be able to help with coping & emotional support.

    #64278 Report

    Sonzie2
    Participant

    Very good advice from CA21 – I have had therapy and so has my sister to help us get over our childhood trauma and it really was invaluable – if you can get some it will really help you see that you are a survivor of one of the worse forms of abuse and it will help you find a way through the anger. Ultimately the anger hurts u so you have to find a way to get through it and feel indifferent to it.  But you are both amazing women as you have got away and protected tour children and that is the most important thing to remember x

    #64285 Report

    Kana1
    Participant

    I wonder if anyone might offer some thoughts on how to deal with an abusive ex-partner who is manipulating our child. My son is only 2, and while we are separated, I have tried to support safe contact within reason. I do not let him come to my house anymore as he was behaving in very volatile manners around us. On a video call yesterday he told my son ‘daddy can’t come to play anymore because mummy won’t let me’. I am now in a situation where my son is asking why. I can hardly explain to a 2 year old that his dad is an abusive man with addiction issues! I am so upset at his comments which are completely not age appropriate; a 2 year old should not have to struggle with processing  such a statement. Any thoughts or suggestions on how I engage my son safely in this subject would be really deeply appreciated.
    I should add that I only just joined Gingerbread this evening and already I read of experiences which mirror my own to a disturbing degree. Strangely this is exactly the reassurance I need right now; reading your stories and the responses here have helped me to feel more certain and confident in my own push to maintain boundaries for my child’s safety and my own mental health and well-being.

    #64286 Report

    Andrew uk
    Participant

    Your child’s safety comes first. It’s not appropriate for him to be telling your child this. But he won’t understand remember or be able to process this. There are plenty of organisations that will support you in this.

    #64287 Report

    Andrew uk
    Participant

    You can have the court order include something about you being allowed to end the video call when you feel it’s not appropriate.

    #64300 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    hi,

    it’s common practice for separated parents to have child stay at each parents home. typically its every other weekend, child stays in mothers home for weekend, then fathers home for weekend etc. perhaps you could take legal route. family courts can decide if child is safe to be around father unsupervised or supervised.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 3 days ago by steve3334.
    #64302 Report

    Kana1
    Participant

    He won’t go to court because of his lifestyle choices. Thanks for your thoughts though.

    #64304 Report

    Kana1
    Participant

    He has shown historically he is not capable. He lives in a van and it is a very smokey drug den, always filthy.  It’s a long story I’d rather not discuss on a public forum but he is abusive, and has addiction issues, as well as not having a suitable safe home.

    #64374 Report

    GingerbreadHelen
    Keymaster

    Hi @Kana1, Please look out for a private message from me with some ideas for support. Very best wishes, Helen

    #64377 Report

    *deleted user*
    Participant

    In the absence of being able to attend a support group there is also the Freedom Programme online.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)

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