Domestic violence

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  • #48421 Report

    Alice101
    Participant

    hi all ,

     

    I’m writing with a complex topic,  I don’t expect people to give their opinion on my topic but was wondering if women out there could share any similar experiences and what their outcome was.

     

    To keep it as brief as possible the main point of the story is that I was in a long term relationship that turned bad there was alot of domestic abuse and physical abuse which resulted in alot of police and professional intervention and I left the relationship fleeing domestic abuse in refuges and moving to a new area which I feel I have made the right decision and happier.

    However I am pregnant from the ex partner I fled from and have no intentions or reengaging contact ever again.

     

    My problem is I’m worried I’m making the wrong decision by choosing to keep the child and time is running out before I can have any sort of termination which deep down I really don’t want to do, the only way I would want to do that is if the father found out I was pregnant and that’s because I couldn’t put myself or the child through a miserable future of agression and control or he may even force me too but I would probably do of my own accord because my life would be hell.

     

    So my question is has anyone had and raised a child in a situation where the father was unable to be told and involved out of mothers choice, I have many services who are aware of my situation and can support me and safeguard,  but did anyone feel that they had  made the wrong decision by keeping their pregnancy ( and not because the father found out ) there’s no way I would be in that situation as I’ve moved far away and we have no mutual friends and also contemplating changing my last name.

    And lastly how do people explain to children about an absent parent and what age is best to explain that.

    Grateful for any replies 🙏

     

    #48424 Report

    J2021
    Participant

    I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been through this. It is good that you are happier now and have the support of services.

    There is physcho, CBT and talking therapy offered by the GP.

    Also the freedom programme run at family centres is there to empower women who have survived domestic violence. Family centres often offer women an outreach worker for support with emotional and practical matters, often signposting to other helpful services too.

    I do have experience with being pregnant by an abusive partner and it is a very difficult decision, my choice was to continue with the pregnancy.

    I have needed outside support from services. I continue to have some difficulties with the abusive ex.

    There are wonderful moments with my Daughter and a lot of love. It is rewarding watching her milestones and mostly being a single parent is a proud and special experience.

    Although tiring so it is important to look after your health and give yourself self care.

    Good luck and best wishes to you

     

    #48431 Report

    Gummibear123
    Blocked

    Hi.

    I’m bewildered.Confused.Can someone tell me what is so ‘proud and special’ about being a single parent? Do ppl really mean that?

    I think attitude accounts for a lot and I would love to improve mine!

    I actually find being a single parent overwhelming,awkward,lonely & exhausting,frustrating & expensive.

    I understand some people even choose this voluntarily which Really baffles me.

    Errrrrrr…..can .any1 explain the joys? I would be interested,and grateful.

    #48441 Report

    J2021
    Participant

    It is all of those things at times. It is difficult agreed.

    I personally have moments that are special to me in my life experience.

    And feel pride watching my child grow and achieve. Enjoying the close bond we share.

    #48443 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    lol Gummibear123 sounds like your over-burdened. If you were on the other side of the fence, where you had to beg or pay a bribe to see your kids, you would feel differently. maybe it’s because your kids are older (teens now?) the novelty has worn off. when my kids stay with me for 3 nights,true it is very demanding and exhausting. energy drinks help a lot 🙂 but I treasure  it. might as well make the most of it before they become rebellious teens and start to forget about me. I would say the joys are keeping that bond with the kids, building loving memories for them, making sure they have a very stable and nice childhood. I think discussing this in a thread about Domestic violence is not appropriate.

    #48445 Report

    Gummibear123
    Blocked

    J2021/Steve3334 ,thank you- you are most likely correct.I agree with all of above.

    Alice101; I’m sorry you have gone through so much hardship & really hope you get the advice you are looking for.No disrespect was intended.

     

    #48447 Report

    Greenfingers
    Participant

    Hi Alice101

    Its a difficult situation you find yourself in, I can relate to some of it. Do you have other children with him?
    I wasn’t brave enough to leave at the point you did, I had the children, stayed in the relationship and raised my 3 children whilst living together in a very hostile environment. I think this left it’s mark on all of us. I admire you for being wiser than I was for breaking free sooner. My happiness also followed when I began my solo parenting journey and for the record, I’m very proud both of my children, and myself for how they’ve turned out. They make me laugh every single day.
    I can only imagine escaping whilst pregnant and guess it’s feels akin to checking over your shoulder constantly waiting for him to pop up again in your life. If you follow this through, he would firstly have to learn of the pregnancy, then contact you by whatever means and ask if the child is his, he would need some sort of correspondence back from you confirming  he is the father, he would then need to seek support from the court to request DNA testing, and request to be added to the birth certificate if it ever got to this point. I think I’d be tempted to keep off social media, know who your friends are, don’t give up your location to those you don’t know/trust and I feel you’ll remain in control of the situation. You don’t need to participate in any conversation directly with him or anyone he sends to gain information from you. Ultimately if contact is authorised by the relevant authorities in the future, you don’t need to be involved in the transfer process.

    #48452 Report

    Alice101
    Participant

    Thank you @J2021 

    I appreciate the advice I might just do that i did have some councilling through BPAS and they said that because I was so uncertain about my decision that they wouldn’t provide a service until I was sure …I guess I’m just worried about making a mistake but the alternative doesn’t sit well with me either. I

    And  @Gummibear123 no offence taken I myself have a young child from a separate relationship who lives with their father now mainly due to the domestic violence concerns. So I’m not alien to your feelings but life would be so incomplete without them. The only real downside for me is the worry of anything bad ever happening to them you just want to protect them forever thats what hurts me.

    #48460 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    children are a blessing. hope you get all the support you need.

    #48612 Report

    Alice101
    Participant

    @Greenfingers

    Thankyou for sharing on my post and your positive spin on your horrible experience, it’s not easy and I never pictured myself in this situation it’s the kind of drama scenes your watch on trashy dramas like EastEnders and you don’t think it will happen to you , you really couldn’t make this stuff up. So thankyou….<b> </b>and I’m so glad you were able to leave in time to enjoy life…

     

    I have one child from a previous relationship who lives with their father due to my Domestic situation and I’ve moved away so another part of my life that has been affected by this man.

    I’m not worried about him finding out I’m just I guess concerned about the future ultimately I know it’s mine and my child’s/children’s happiness I need to put first but people ask questions and I’m gonna have to have short answer to replace his/her father was violent and also something to tell my child when their young as to not confuse or hurt their little mind.

     

    Also il always be honest with my child when the time is right but to people closer who are invevitably going to ask whos the daddy, might it be easier to just say it’s someone they don’t know , as I don’t want to be judged for keep the child of an abuser and also there’s potential that as kids get older and over hear adults conversations I don’t want my child to hear rumors or gossip like that. I know that’s a long way off but all these things play in my mind.

    #48616 Report

    EN94
    Participant

    Hi. I have been in this exact position. I found out I was pregnant the week after my ex partner went to prison for assaulting me. Like you I was unsure whether to carry on with my pregnancy but I decided I was going to keep him and he’s now 5 months old and I definitely made the right decision I havnt doubted that once. His dad has never and will never have any contact with him and he’s not on the birth certificate and that was all my choice. Iv no doubt there will be questions when he’s gets older as Iv 2 other children that see their dad but il cross that bridge when I come to it. Your more than welcome to DM me if you want xx

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