Does it get easier?

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    Carrie155
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    Hi, not sure where to start – my husband has recently left me & our 2 young children. He has depression  & isn’t sure whether he still wants to be with me so wants some time apart to think. This happened just over 3 weeks ago. He still doesn’t know what he wants & doesn’t know when he will make a decision. So I’m just having to sit around & wait, meanwhile taking over all responsibility for our children. Because of the depression, he is so disconnected with us all. He isn’t interested in me or how I’m managing/feeling. He’s only making minimal effort with the children. I’m trying to give him space & offer support with his depression but I’m finding myself so frustrated with the whole situation. I feel like I’m in limbo & can’t move forward with anything since I don’t know whether I’m going to permanently by a single mum or if we’re going to try & make things work. I’m also getting really angry with him as I’m rushing around trying to do everything that the 2 of us did before, all the washing, cooking, cleaning, ironing, shopping, bedtimes, bath times & everything else in between whilst he comes home from work, has his tea made by his mum then has all evening free. Yet still can’t make a decision on our future. I don’t want to end up bitter & resentful because I would rather have the children with me & I know I get all the good bits about them as well. All the cuddles, kisses & good times. The waiting around is torturous but I’m trying not to rush him. Had a bad day today when I’ve felt like I’ve done a rubbish job with the kids. The morning was awful & I couldn’t seem to get organised for bedtime so they were late to bed – again! I’m really struggling with not having him around to help. I’m lucky that I have very supportive family & friends but still feel like I’m not managing very well. I feel like my life is going to forever be me rushing round not doing a good enough job & never getting any time to myself. I never expected to be a single mum & I’m just not sure how im ever going to manage. Anyone got any advice? Thanks.

    #8272 Report

    Empty
    Participant

    I think three weeks is long enough because all too quickly a change of routine (mainly in this case his) becomes too easy to accept. You might want to consider the mediation route to get him to come to terms with what he wants and also to understand he can’t just walk away. Also, I’m not sure it sounds like he wants you to suffer per se but that he feels he needs a break – having children puts an awful strain on couples. The question is if he needs a permanent break from the relationship he has to understand he will still need to do his share both time-wise and also financially. That’s not about blackmailing him or forcing him to come back to a relationship that might be over, but if it is over without any hope you need to quickly establish your new relationship together – that of just Mum and Dad (which you will both always be to your children) – and to be civil and help each other out for them.

    #8273 Report

    Mellymel
    Participant

    HI Carrie155,

    Just taking things one day at a time really helps.

    I know that feeling of thinking one might ‘ never be doing a good enough job’, I think because our minds like to put things in boxes, ( & then there’s one’s own self- image & talk that doesn’t always help us!). I feel that too and can caught in a negative spiral that feeds upon itself.

    It’s good to somehow break that with something new in the routine, taking a little day trip, or doing something new with the kids.

    Perhaps ask your husband if he would have the kids for a time ( he is still their father even if he’s questioning being your husband) and you do something for you.

    We cannot force things. Trust that whatever is meant to be, will be. This is an opportunity to learn.

    Melissa xx

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