Does anyone else have children 18 + who are still dependent?
Tagged: Older children
22 May 2021 at 7:12 am #54547
Hi I’m new on here and feel that the majority of people probably have younger children so just trying to work out if there is anyone else who can relate to my circumstances.
Would love to connect with others in similar situation to me to share information and advice on experiences.
many thanks Sophie22 May 2021 at 8:17 am #54548
I have 4 children still at home. One of which is 21 and is still dependent. Not so much financially but in many other ways. I dont ask her for any money and sometimes it is a struggle after being left in debt by my ex but I try to prioritize things so my children don’t go without. Alot of the time it’s my time and energy they want and I’ve found they get a bit frustrated if I keep apologising for what I can’t provide.I find we are a great support to each other and have become alot closer as a household since their dad walked out.
You can do this. Us single parents are made of strong stuff.22 May 2021 at 8:35 am #54549
I’m currently going through a divorce and have two children, both dependent on me, one 21 and at uni (final year so will be coming back to live with me full time) and one 18.
Myself and my ex are trying to resolve financial issues before the divorce can go through. He is now living with his new partner and her 3 young children. He lied on his form E about his financial circumstances, which has held the process up and just when I thought we were getting somewhere he has got rid of his solicitor, asked for mediation and changed his offer from 65:35 house sale settlement (to my advantage) to 50:50 because I have asked for 2 years maintenance whilst I relocate to a cheaper area and because he wants to hurry things along (even though he has caused the delays). I am now been advised by my solicitor to take him to court. I’m massively frustrated as I thought we were getting somewhere and ironically his actions will now slow the whole process down. I’ve looked at arbitration as an alternative, but don’t know anyone that has gone down that route so have no idea what it would be like.
What is your experience?1 June 2021 at 11:54 am #54785
I had 4 teenage children with one at Uni when we separated in 2016. One was 18 and starting Uni and the other 3 were 16, and twins of 14 years. They are now all over 18.
The divorce settlement is such a bad process and depends on how good a solicitor you have. My ex disguised/ manipulated figures of financial circumstances and he gained massively on the sale of the house. He claimed for Directors loans and other loans from his family and financial loans which all had to be paid back from sale proceeds after the division. I think stick with the 65:35 since you can always buy a smaller house or remortgage. The interest will probably be less than paying an arbitrator or solicitor. I paid over £13 000 in solicitor fees and mine still got me a terrible deal.
If your children are over 18 I would opt for the 65:35 option or higher your percentage instead of getting maintenance. He has no legal liability to pay the maintenance and even if it is agreed in court he could claim his circumstances to change or claim to be out of work for 6 months and be supported by his partner.
I am currently going through first tier tribunal appeal (started in May 2019) against Child Maintenance Service decision and trying to claim over £10000 arrears. Since 2017 my ex has appealed to pay less and I have been trying to get an appropriate amount of maintenance. It is a long gruelling process which I have wanted to give up many times but for the sake of my children and all primary care parents and their children I am continuing. I have to represent myself and he has accountants and legal representatives. It is ridiculous that I have to go up against him and Child Maintenance Service who have never obtain actual proof of his true financial situation. So I may not win but I am going to fight it and try and dent the system and expose how the paying parents hide their money.
Ask your solicitor if you can raise the percentage in your favour without the maintenance. The children can get part-time jobs if they need extra money. They will understand and they will grow in responsibility. Good luck.
So from experience3 June 2021 at 1:22 am #54837
I’m a single mum since my 2 sons were 4 and 2 and my eldest is 19 and is incredibly independent living alone by choice in a property his father is providing, he’s doing an apprenticeship and is so incredibly independent I never see him, his life is his work/studies and his girlfriend and I’m finding it sooo hard to let go and stop expecting messages and visits..but it feels like I’ve lost him…my 16yr old is at home and very independent too but not studying a bit wild and hard work and needs a lot of boundaries and it’s really hard..he lives with me but he doesn’t talk just makes noises and lives in his bedroom with his mates when he’s not with his girlfriend, where do our beautiful sons who need us go🤔I’m 44 and really struggling at letting go but they’ve actually emotionally gone and it’s my problem now to be a mum to adult sons and back off any help.or advice much appreciated xxxx3 June 2021 at 2:03 am #54838
My eldest is 17 so I’m a bit behind you…just wanted to add my tuppeny’wth…I married a mummys boy of 21 years old and it really all ended most unpleasantly! You really don’t want to be that clingy mother/monster in law…..Ever.I reckon it’s our job to raise decent,confident,hopefully moral and civilised humans with as many life skills as we can manage then send them off into the world to do their bit I suppose.From my experience an adult with a mother hanging into his shirt tails adds quite a bit of weight to a relationship.It becomes a bit crowded🙄 Letting them go to do their own thing doesn’t mean saying goodbye forever.It’s not like they’ve died or anything.It means you’ve done a good job.When they’ve run out of money or food or clean socks they always seem to remember their way back home.