Divorcing under adultery and how to sort finances legally for children
4 July 2018 at 12:40 am #12944
My husband walked out on me and our 2 young children a few months ago, the reasons given were vague and nothing really that major in my opinion which we couldn’t fix. He point blank refused a trial separation or any type of counselling, I tried and tried to persuade but he wanted out and in the end I had completely lost my way with him after how he had treated me. We were together 10 years with a 1 and 2 year old. Married. He has since been seen entering another females house, I confronted him and first got lies but it turns out he has been having An affair with a women at his work! He denies it’s an affair and instead has said they met a few weeks after we separated- I don’t believe this and my gut tells me they met before he walked out. He clearly wanted to leave me and nothing was getting in his way and I am confident he left us for this women.The CAB said I can file under adultery as we were still married when he started another sexual relationship. When I look back there were lots of signs he was having an affair, I was however a busy Mummy with 2 under 2! I found a hair/s matching the ladies hair colour, he was distant, no intermiscy, always on phone, cold with me, sleeping downstairs if kept up by kids etc, very unhelpful to me as a new mummy.
I want to file under adultery as I do think he was having an affair, he will deny it however.
i also need to secure the family home plus child maintenance etc for kids future so have been advised to get a financial agreement/ consent order drawn up So everything is legally binding.?
Has anyone been through a similar divorce or the financial agreement stuff, please can you advice on any of this?4 July 2018 at 1:08 pm #12950
I divorced my ex for adultery exactly the same scenario as yours he claimed it wasn’t an affair but it was and he did admit adultery couldn’t deny it as I named them both so if you know her name and address to use them both as it supports the evidence I stated like you that he was always on his phone we hadn’t had sex for almost a year he was very aggressive he did anything to start an argument I also had emails of where he had booked a room in a holiday inn I used the lot he of course didn’t like it but because I had so much evidence they stated that without a doubt he was guilty and that’s what you have to do as much evidence as you have use it because if there’s enough it be seen as appropriate to grant the divorce. I didn’t settle finances as we had no property as we rented and we had no savings but I do use cms for maintenance money as it saves the problem every month of giving them the chance of being able to reduce as I was fed up of the threats.4 July 2018 at 4:24 pm #12952
My situation sounds pretty similar to yours except my husband fully admitted the affair – largely as he was being so brazen about it and everyone including the school dinner ladies knew before my daughter and I did!
Basically you have three things going on at the same time:
1)The divorce which is largely a paperwork exercise and you can largely do by yourself. Court costs are £550 I believe which you can’t avoid. I applied on the basis of his adultery as he was willing to admit it but if he’s going to argue the toss, it may be simpler and less stressful to apply on the basis of unreasonable behaviour. You need 5 or 6 examples of his unreasonable behaviour – suspicions of an affair, lack of intimacy, not willing to go for couples counselling etc would be examples. Keep it simple, irrefutable and uncontentious. Whether you go for adultery or unreasonable behaviour won’t affect the ultimate outcome or the length of time it takes. It’s all down to what is simplest for you and least stressful.
2) Financial Consent Order. This has to be done by a solicitor as the courts won’t accept an application for one without input from a solicitor to make sure it’s fair. It’s massively expensive but you have to just bear with it for the ultimate outcome. The basis to start negotiation on finances is a 50/50 split on all assets – home, pensions, vehicles etc but there are many mitigating factors which influence it one way or the other – where children are living is a strong one. My husband agreed to not have anything from our house as I bought it before we married, my entire inheritance went into it, I paid the mortgage, I live here with our daughter etc etc but for that, he pays a massively reduced rate of maintenance and gets to keep all his vehicles (he’s motorbike mad) and his generous private sector pension. Every situation is different and a solicitor will advise on what to ask for. When the consent order goes through court, it becomes legally binding. They can also set a rate for maintenance payments in the consent order but that part is only binding for 12 months due to people’s potential change in circumstances.
3) Arrangements for care of the children. Only you can know what arrangements are best for your children. Obviously it’s best for everyone to do it amicably without involving mediators and court but there’s lots of support out there if you need help making a agreement.
These three processes are effectively independent from each other and can run either at the same time or separately.
hope that helps4 July 2018 at 5:35 pm #12955
Thank you all for your advice, very helpful. I feel that he won’t admit to the affair as it shows him up for what he is, I think in his mind by saying it happened only a month after it looks better to his family, I then think he is just Jami g me to his family! He is a coward!
This is my adultery evidence:
A few months before he walked out I found dark hairs in the house, these are same colour as women he’s having affair with, I did keep one.
Anonymous text from one of his work colleague sent a few weeks after he walked saying he is seeing someone, quizzed him on this at time but denied!!
he works with the women, looking back can see he has a soft spot for her, working later etc, she gave him gift at Xmas
constanlty on phone in run up to walking
no intermacey for year plus
Any excuse to sleep downstairs
long cycle rides in eves where I think he was visiting women
car seen parked outside what transpired to be her house days after walking
refusef counselling and relate, trial separation
Is this string enough evidence?!4 July 2018 at 7:12 pm #12956
Firstly, is he seeing someone now? For divorce purposes, it’s almost irrelevant when it started as if you are still married now and he is seeing someone now, he is commiting adultery. Whether he would admit it for the divorce is another matter.
Other may have other suggestions but I would suggest you go for unreasonable behaviour. The first reason you use could be that you suspect he is having an affair as you were informed by a colleague (or whoever) that he is seeing someone else and have seen changes in his behaviour to suggest that this is the case. And then go on to state that he sleeps downstairs, no intimacy for over a year, refused counselling etc as your extra reasons.
If I can work out how to private message you, I can send you the paperwork I used, as it may help4 July 2018 at 7:29 pm #12957
Yes he’s with the women now, totally not what I expected looks wise. I don’t want to sound shallow or mean but she isn’t even attractive to look at, looks very overweight and doesn’t seem to be his type, but hay what do I know he left me!!!
Id like to file under adultery as that’s what it is as we are still married but also don’t mind using UB.
Yes I don’t know how we can private msg, unless you put in your email and I contact you?