Divorce, pregnant, arranging access when baby is born
14 September 2019 at 5:11 pm #30351
Looking for advice of anyone that has been in a similar position/someone to talk to about it all.
Separated at 10 weeks pregnant. Lots has happened in-between and I’m now currently nearly 37 weeks.
The bones of the situation are he is a relationship and living with the woman he started seeing before leaving me. He wanted to stay involved with the pregnancy but changed his mind after the 20 week scan. Has had no involvement at all but wants to be involved from day one with our baby boy. I have agreed to this but he would like the access to be at his house to allow himself and his girlfriend to bond with the baby alone. I have stated the access should be in the home of baby and me in the first instance but he is point blank refusing. He Hi doesn’t believe he should have to spend time with me to be able to bond with the baby. I have said I would go and do other things in the house but I think it’s more around how it makes him feel being back in our house. His girlfriend is also uncomfortable with him spending time here. His ‘middle ground’ is meeting at his sister’s but still does not want me to be around whilst he sees his son, requesting I would go upstairs. He is wanting this very early on and isn’t seeing why I or the would baby need to be in our own house or why I couldn’t be separated from them for an hour.
He is then threatening court action if we can’t come up with a ‘fair’ solution that doesn’t make either of us uncomfortable. I’m failing to see how or what this could be.
Any help or advice would be appreciated.14 September 2019 at 7:32 pm #30354
I’m sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult situation. Do you think it would help if you try to explain to him that a new born baby needs his mother almost all the time? Breastfeeding can get in the way of his visiting hours. Not only that but does he realise what depression could do to you? It’s enough that you are going to be single and having a baby, he should back off a bit and wait for at least 1 year to have the baby away from you. If you find that he can’t understand that, maybe you should allow him to take you to court( pretty sure no judge will allow the baby to be taken away from his home in the early days, even months). I might be wrong but don’t let him put you down. If he want to be with someone else, fine, but he can’t have the baby alone, especially since he moved out/ moved on. Try to get some advice from a lawyer ( citizen advice have that and i believe it’s cheaper) . Some people are just selfish and want to get it their way by all means but that doesn’t mean they can. Again don’t take me for my word but seek professional advice and hopefully there will be something that you can do to prevent that from happening.
All the best and be strong x14 September 2019 at 11:09 pm #30358
Thank you Nick.
I have tried to explain about the baby will need and want me. I’ve tried to explain about breastfeeding but still doesn’t see a reason why he can’t be away from me for an hour each night. There seems to be no reasoning with him at the moment and I’m just not sure how else to get him to see how hard this is going to be.
I’ve spoken to a solicitor, I’d just rather avoid going down the court route as I don’t feel this is best to sort the situation. It will put rigid terms in place of when he can actually take the baby.15 September 2019 at 1:06 pm #30366
Hi, I am in no position to be offering much advice, after all, I am here seeking advice myself but am never brave enough to put my issue out there.
I am a realist, I know that it “takes a village to raise a child” but I only see two options: (EVEN THOUGH THERE ARE PLENTY)
1: You take control, go and have your precious baby boy and bring him into this world without conflict, full of love, peace, and joy. Whatever you have to do to achieve this is needed, NOW! You can not afford to be under stress when the baby is so close to entering this world. It is an ever so precious time. Remind the father that at this present time he has no LEGAL rights what so ever or until you register your baby. To him right now it APPEARS more of a moral and principle issue that he seems to be having but it most certainly is not legal. His morals and principles should not be getting in the way of something that should have been so simple. It sounds as if he is making out that he is unable to be near you.. surely this means he is unable to attend the birth? the registering of the baby? WITH YOU! basically forfeiting his own LEGAL rights. Threats of the court are worthless and the courts will expect mediation first of which you seem to be doing well and he is evidently failing. You both have POWER CARDS so to speak but you can either play power on power and get the system involved or you could continue to try and be amicable and do what is best for the baby. I think he needs to be reminded that his actions count too and he is pretty much fighting for nothing because you are willing to give him access. He is clearly being very difficult. You both need to resolve the issues you have with one another or at least put them aside for now and deal with this when the issue arises. The baby needs a healthy delivery. If things get complicated and If you “allow him to take you to court”, I highly doubt as Cally suggests that you will be penalised, victimised or discriminated against in any way for being cautious about leaving your baby alone in the first 6-12 months. Keep doing what you feel is right, he can not always have his cake and eat it.
Your ex-partner is playing on your anxieties and fears, need I remind anxiety is no good for a pregnant mother, he is jeopardising the health of the baby and you. You are right in saying that your baby will need you, one of the UK’s longest and biggest studies confirmed that children who are cared for by their mother have better cognitive, physical and emotional development than that of a child who is raised by childcare or by other family members. If you feel that strongly about it, refuse access until you are sure he will not do or push anything that you feel will have detrimental effects on the baby.
2. Try to actually ‘meet in the middle’, your ex-partner has suggested contact at his sisters, if you have a good relationship with her then this can be possible, it needs to be a calm, relaxed environment. I understand completely how you feel in this situation but with the way you describe it, you may be giving him a picture that you will be directly on top of him, possibly analysis? criticising? I am no mind reader, I most certainly do not know either of you and I do not mean to be presumptuous but he too may have feelings of nervousness as he enters fatherhood, it is very common. I am unaware if he is a father already but each child is a very new experience.. The reason why I say this is because, at first you stated that you said you would do things around the house if contact were to take place at your home but when you go on to explain his request of you going upstairs at his sister’s, you seem to be a bit upset by that? He may also be having anxieties?. Regardless though, he chose to leave, he chose to move on and it now seems to me from the way you describe it that its as if he wants to have control of the situation too which most definitely is not ‘fair’. Dad really does need some bonding time with the baby, please continue to stay mindful of this. A postnatal leader with the UK National Childcare trust stated that having a father that is hands-on with a child and plays regularly improves the child’s physical and mental development and that it will give them the ability to learn the child’s likes, dislikes and is able to become familiar with them. This would help when you eventually do allow unsupervised access, your anxieties and worries would be less and you would be confident that the child’s needs can be met. I think you need to ask yourself, would sitting in another room, at your own will be so bad? There are worse situations, the last thing you would want is a contact centre order by the courts, this can be very inconvenient and uncomfortable for all involved. Maybe try to suggest at a family member of yours, this should make you feel much more comfortable.
The other woman involved is not of concern at this present moment in time, it is the good development and emotional well-being of the baby. She is in no position to stipulate any part of what is going to happen and is irrelevant to the situation. IN MY OPINION.
Evidentally, you seem to be willing to have the father involved for the well-being of the child, the court will always investigate what has been done to overcome any issues prior to application so your willingness will show.
Please whatever you do, just be calm and as hapy as can be. Focus on the positive things you have in life and not the negative. Use some relaxation techniques if you feel times of high stress, a cycle of negative thinking is very harsh on your emotional well being and this would increase your risk of postnatal depression. I agree with cally, you really do need to get a little advise from someone more qualified, mediators or citizens advice.
I hope you achieve the best outcome
I have left you a link for family mediators so you can explore a way to negotiate better. https://childlawadvice.org.uk
I have left you a link for citizens advice. https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk
best wishes 🙂
(PS. I APOLOGISE IF I HAVE UPSET ANYONE WHO READS THIS, MY ONLY INTENTION IS TO HELP)15 September 2019 at 1:36 pm #30367
My apologies Cally, I meant I agree with Nick.
Sometimes when I feel very passionately about something my mind produces thoughts that my fingers can not type fast enough.
Again, I really wish you all the best.
Please take some time to relax and feel free of stress. You could put your feet up and take some time to read a book, take a nap when you feel like it, have a warm bath using oils such as lavender or jasmine which is proven to relax the body and mind or meditate with some deep breathing exercises.
15 September 2019 at 9:07 pm #30376
- This reply was modified 1 year ago by Ms.Swan.
I hope you are okay. I went through something very similar but it did all get sorted eventually.
It sounds quite traumatic for you. Have you considered some counselling to give you the emotional support you need with all of the changes.
You will get through this and I’ve no doubt you will be a great mother.15 September 2019 at 9:39 pm #30380
I can’t thank you all enough for your replies. You’ve all said what I already believe to be fair and true but I’ve doubted myself along the way. He has a way with words that somehow make me think I need to accommodate his needs more than mine.
This is a man I have been with for almost 11 years and married to for almost 3.
He won’t be in the room for the birth as he couldn’t see why he would want to be in a room with someone bringing a child into the world to be a family, when we now won’t be a family. I have offered the choice throughout the whole pregnancy to be involved and to be in the room if he wished.
He will however be at the hospital and is bringing his girlfriend to ‘support him’. I have expressed that this makes me feel uncomfortable however this has fallen on deaf ears.
I am currently having weekly counselling sessions as I’ve found the whole situation impossible to accept. We spent a year talking about starting a family.27 February 2020 at 11:34 am #37179