Difficult situation

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  • #39850 Report



    I am a single parent, with two children aged 13yrs and 10yrs.

    My husband left me and the children 8 months ago. Its been an incredibly difficult time, working full time and looking after both kids and dealing with the emotional turmoil he has left us in. I am now very slowly picking myself up, I feel like I have a long way to go, but realise also how much I have progressed.

    He is renting a house 3 miles away. His plan was the children would go to his place every other weekend. Well he did nothing to make that happen, he works away a lot so was hardly ever at his home. When he left me, he wanted a trial separation, there was also another woman involved, though he says he wasn’t having an affair. Well he was certainly having an emotional affair! I knew we had no chance of  making things work between us, as she was on the scene. She has since dumped him.

    He would pick and choose when to see the children. Then lockdown! Kids refuse to go to his place, so he still comes to the house and spends a  whole day at a time with them. At one point he was coming every other day, which I put a stop to as it was doing my head in. Well he continues to do my head in by just coming over. Im still feeling a lot of pain and hurt from him leaving, and am doing everything I can to help my children, hence why I agree he can come to the house. I do believe the children need to see their dad as they miss him and are still loyal. Though recently I have sensed they get a bit annoyed when he comes over, maybe because it disrupts our routine.

    As he is paying for everything, mortgage, bills, food etc I almost feel like i owe him by letting him come over and help himself to a spot of lunch and a cup of tea with the kids. I have nowhere to go now its lockdown. But I am so fed up with him just coming in and just showing zero remorse for what he has done.

    Anyone else in this similar situation?


    #39892 Report


    Ive not been in this situation myself but going from what youve written you’re probably not going to like my response. Firstly I would say it sounds like you need to put your own personal hurt to the side for the sake of the kids.  It doesnt matter whether he left you, cheated on you, broke your heart when it comes to the kids he is still their father and I think its great he is wanting to spend so much time with them. I think its wrong for you to say you think the kids are annoyed at seeing him and you should be very careful you dont let your personal feeling towards their dad start to influence their feelings towards him. The fact that he is currently paying for everything hats off to him for that as well but I would suggest that at some point in the near future you both sit down and work out finances and get something formally arranged in regarda to finances and who pays for what because unless he is some kind of saint I doubt he will continue to pay for everything forever regardless of whether he’s allowed in the house or not. HOWEVER yes it is unfeasible for him to just turn up at the house whenever he likes now that you are no longer a couple and you cant be expected to facilitate that regardless of who pays the mortgage. You both need to sit down and work out a set schedule for visitation. If he works away it doesnt matter it is still his responsibility to fit in around the kids lives not the other way around. He needs to make time for the kids or he loses time with them its as simple as that. Yes there can be some flexability for both of you if thats what you both wish but he cannot dictate when the visits will happen to suit him best that’s not how it works. A schedule needs to be put in place so that both of you can move on with your lives knowing where you both stand but also so that the kids have some stability too. Perhaps if the visits are too much for you then you could go for your daily walk while he pops over for an hour with the kids. Or he could take the kids out for a walk instead of coming into the house? Just until lockdown is over and things are sorted. But at some point the kids will have to start going to his house for their visits so maybe you both need to sit down with the kids and talk to them and discuss and try and resolve whatever their issue is with visiting his home. Hope this helps and stay safe

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