Difficult situation almost 9 months on
2 August 2020 at 3:03 pm #42671
I’ve joined this forum today after searching for posts on the internet trying to find answers/reassurance/someone in a similar situation to bounce off perhaps.
So my story:
I’m a 47 year old mum of 3 girls. Eldest s almost 16, adopted from within the family. Twins are 10 years old, IVF miracles. I was with their dad for almost 20 years and we had quite a rollercoaster over the years. It got to the point where we grew so far apart that it couldn’t work anymore. He worked away on and off through the years so I did a lot of the parenting. When he did come home, he lacked motivation and was often quite low in the winter months, sleeping on the sofa for hours, going to friends and ending up sleeping out as he had had a few drinks. This was quite a pattern over the years. The winter before last, after a few split ups over the years things came to a head. If we had sold the house I would have gone before but I couldn’t afford to get anywhere without a bit of money behind me. He was always reluctant to sell or do anything to the house and it was a mess, in need of a lot of work. I suggested we sell as it was but he always seemed to block it. We basically lived separate lives and he worked away again. Last summer I met up with an old flame and we started spending time together. It was the final trigger to get out and I was open and honest with the ex. He said he wished me happiness! But the household became toxic and he tried everything he could to stop me from seeing him, bad mouthing him to my girls and spreading very untrue rumours. I was living my life leaving the house at 6 a.m. and coming back at 6 p.m to avoid him, then retreating to my room. I have a demanding job as a head teacher and I got so low, my mental health was suffering badly until one day he had a go and told me to pack my bags. Something snapped and I did it. I walked away that day from everything and told him I wanted nothing, that I would sign the house over and be done with it. To some friends it seemed drastic but I needed to break free. I stayed with a friend for a while and soon found a rented house. Work lent me money to get started because they valued my well being and the role I play. Friends supported me and last November I settled in my new home. My girls stuck by their dad because he told them he was lonely and had noone. One girl came regularly to me, the others not so much. It’s been an awful few months where he has referred to me as the old bag, driven past my house and continued to slate my new man. While with him the girls haven’t had access to hot water as the boiler is broken and he cannot afford to get it fixed. One of the twins has since September slept on the sofa in the living room, while he sleeps on the other sofa. The curtains are never open. They tell me the house is a mess and at times he cannot afford food. While there they are on their phones or in front of the tv all day. He has left them on their own on more than one occasion and I have seen texts where they are begging him to come home. I have bitten my tongue so far. One of the twins was riddled with head lice when she came to see me and it has taken weeks to get her to a state where she looks and seems ok. He still drives past my house to see if I am there or my new man is. Then 3 weeks ago I went to collect the girls so they could have a shower. One said that they might stay a couple of nights, he told them to stay a few weeks as he needed time and couldn’t be doing with them. When they were here he drove past and told them that they should have called him. He then told them to enjoy their new family and hasn’t contacted them since. Today the eldest spoke to him and he told her that he had gone past my house and I was out. She told him he was weird and he should stop driving past, he then told her to f… off.
It’s an awful situation and not getting any better.3 August 2020 at 5:04 pm #42698
so are all the girls with you now? And there to stay? Or do they hope to return to dad?
when you left, was it a formal agreement that you wouldn’t pursue any financial or material from your joint assets (including equity)?
I wondered if you’d considered applying for an occupation order for yourself and the girls to return home if you’re going to be providing their care from now? You don’t say whether your new property would accommodate the girls. An occupation order would see dad being asked to vacate the property by a certain date.
if you’d prefer not to go back to the house then, If you are to financially benefit from the sale then you could broach the subject of selling the property again.
I do feel if the girls are not returning to dad then you have a case for enforcing a sale or obtaining an occupation order