Desperate for help regarding custody!

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    Hi everyone. This is my first ever post on this forum so I will start from the beginning!

    Me and my ex were together 7 years and married for 1 when he left me. We share a 3.5 year old and I was 24 weeks when he walked out. I Wasn’t  aware he was unhappy in our relationship, he always told me he was happy and loved me and we never discussed a split was on the cards. When he left he turned very angry towards me. He claimed that I had mismanaged all of our finances causing him to not be able to pay his bills, I had prevented him from having a relationship with our eldest, I prevented him from having a relationship with his family, I had done this and I had done that. He left me via text message. Over the months he became very emotionally abusive towards me, making me feel completely responsible for our break up and refusing to talk about it more then twice and refused to take part in the counciling I arranged and paid for. He refused to attend scans, ask about the baby and chose to not be there when he was born.

    We had some remaining joint debts which initially he agreed to pay and he agreed to pay a sum of money towards our baby bits, however, a month or two after this he refused leaving me in debt. He agreed a sum of money to pay for CSA which was well below the recommended amount and had his mum email my dad exploiting our joint debts and why she felt that was appropriate which was a complete invasion of my privacy. When baby no 2 was born he increased his CSA payment but it is still below.

    Since ds2 has been born ex has shown little interest in him. He is breast fed and this was agreed prior to any break up. He did come round a bit and took ds1 out on days out and occasion we met him, however this stopped when lockdown eased and ds1 started sleeping at his house. Sometimes when he collects ds1 he ignores ds2. He never picks him up or asks to hold him or comes a little earlier to spend time with him.

    Hes very up and down with me, I never know when he’s truely happy with an agreement. In jan he told me he wanted ds1 2 nights a week and echoed this when we re established childcare following lockdown easing. I offered him to collect ds2 between feeds but he’s never followed through with this. Anyway, he’s now accepted a new job and the job advert shows he will be received a £4-8000 pay rise. He asked me what my thoughts were on CSA and I said we should review and he completely turned on me. He said to me if I want more money off him he will take the boys 50/50 as he would rather spend the money then give it to me! I told him I wasn’t going to pursue this (I never instigated the conversation in the first place!). Anyway fast forward a couple days and I emailed him a relatively formal email with different child care options which would suit both of our jobs. He’s responded saying he wants both boys 3 nights a week which will ultimately end ds2 breast feeding. He has said in the past I’m selfish to breast feed and his role as a father is more important (despite him being a father since he was born). I told him I will not agree to this. Ds1 is happy and settled with the current set up and ds2 is and will remain BF. He then accused me of being after his money and started throwing accusation saying I am addicted to spending money and I ruined his relationship with ds1. He said he is going to instagate mediation.


    my reason for this post is that I am feeling incredibly alone and desperate. We agreed 2 nights and I’m not happy to increase to a 3rd. I feel ex is completely unstable and very emotionally and finically abusive to me and I’m concerned that any more time with him will have a negative effect on the boys. It goes without saying I will not stoop bf our youngest, but he clearly doesn’t have their best interest at heart to suggest I do. All of thisn3 night business has only come about because he said my formal email which I sent him was a way of me trying to get more money from him.
    plwase can someone help me! I am completely shattered and heart broken. This is not about money it’s about my sons. We agreed a time and he is only changing it so he doesn’t have to pay me anymore!
    does anyone have any experience with mediation on the courts? How can I prove that they do not need to sleep over any extra nights.

    i honestly feel like I’m drowning. I’ve put up with so much from him since the start of the year and I don’t know how much more I can take. I’m so worried that he will get to take these boys any more so then he does. I feel sick even saying that.

    #43304 Report


    Sorry I should also note that ds2 is 15 weeks old.

    #43307 Report



    I’m sorry to hear about what has been happening to you.  Hopefully some other single parents may respond on this forum.

    In the meantime, if you want to discuss the matter of domestic abuse, you can ring the Women’s Aid domestic violence 24 hour  helpline on 0808 2000 247.


    If you want general advice or signposts, you can ring the Gingerbread helpline on 0808 802 0925.


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