Deciding in advance on when my ex will see my daughter

[Bibishor9]

Hi

I separated a year ago from the father of my 5 year old daughter, we were not married. It’s been an emotional struggle all along, he finally moved out after I found out he had another two relationships for over a year in the same time he was living with me. He keeps putting a lot of pressure on me to let him come back while he is still with one of his women that he cheated with. The biggest problem is that he refuses o agree on making arrangements in advance to stick to exact days and hours when to have my daughter, he keeps coming to my house o see may daughter now and then when it suits him, last minute notice, doesn’t get involved really in her care, school or to a set program when to see her, he is acusing me all the time that it’s my fault that he doesn’t see her, he disappeared from seeing her many times for one week, two weeks just before he was to come because I dint want to accept his last minute visits or letting him back in my life or just that he is obsessed in knowing everything I do in general. He was supposed o pick her up few times he he just didn’t turn up. I am struggling to agree on my daughter s best interests in having a routine and stability ijn seeing him. He doesn’t want to make any plans towards that. Just texts or calls few hours before he wants to come to the house and see her in my space and my time because he can actually talk and put pressure on me, while he should spend time with his daughter. He doesn’t understand the basics of our daughter best interests, doesn’t want to get involved in any responsibility in caring for her and pays me 50£/ week as his input for her care saying that s all he can afford, he is earning a lot more than me, and I’m not really sure how to check how much he should pay also, he did help out in paying her clubs at school since September though.

I need advice on what my options are when he and me can’t agree on when he can see her and going to court it’s financially impossible for me.. I can’t afford anything regarding the costs of that, I work full time ans a Hca in a hospital and its been a stressful time financially also.

[steve3334]

hi,

with courts, they give us dads every other weekend to see kids, and mid-week access if we are available. so you could suggest him to follow a routine like this. If he does not stick to it, then you could always refuse if he turns up randomly, which may cause confrontations. then he would have to apply to courts. with child maintenance, if you went through child maintenance service, he would have to pay 12% of his income for 1 child. If you think he earns a lot more, you could always register with child maintenance service and they can sort it out.

[Bibishor9]

Hi

Unfortunately he did not agree on any occasion to set up which weekends he could have her, I’ve been flexible in trying to accommodate what suits him also, but it’s like a dead end. He doesn’t want to set in advance dates and times… As I will have free time and that I guess its the problem from his side… Its really embarrassing to talk about it and beyond logic. Never been really evolved in our daughter upbringing and that’s why she do not really ask about him in general for a whole week… But after she gets upset and remembers that he didn’t come to see her and becomes upset.

About the financial aspect I don’t know the details of the company he is working for, he is self employed, and recently understood he opened an Ltd for some online trading, but I know he was usually earning a little over£ 40.00/year.

 

[Bibishor9]

Mistake, I meant 40.000£a year

[steve3334]

ok. if he has opened a ltd company then there is a chance you would end up getting less money if child maintenance got involved.

[Bibishor9]

OK, on the other hand on this website I couldn’t find where to go to have a chat with someone about my options… In terms of my daughter seeing her dad, I just need to know what to next having into consideration that financially I can’t afford much.

[steve3334]

hi,

it’s difficult. if you applied to court I don’t think it would make sense, as you have been reasonable and allowing your ex to see child. they can not force him to see child, they will just put structure in place, like you make child available to ex, every other weekend, and half of school holidays for example. I don’t think that will change his behaviour. maybe if you do not allow him to see child outside those set days, then that could change his behaviour.

[Bibishor9]

Hi

 

I don’t want to force him to see the child, structure and agreement on when would be my hope, you are right I have allowed him to see her on his terms before as my daughter was upset about no seeing him sometimes. I’m trying to do the right thing but it’s just causing more distress as he doesn’t want to agree on set days 🙁

[steve3334]

I think you need to be firm and set boundaries with him. if set days don’t work, how about if he gives you 2-3 days notice about seeing child?

[Bibishor9]

About him giving me notice 2-3 days… Even that let’s say will be OK ish… At least my daughter will know when it is… He doesn’t give me even that.. Few hours usually 🙁 and many times he changed his mind last minute or just don’t turn up.

[sverige1980]

Hi there,

I have a very similar issue. Their father will only visit or call when it suits him and again like you, doesn’t like to have any structure as that would free me up to socialise, go to work etc (pre covid). During the lockdowns he hasn’t visited and barely called. I have bent over backwards, picking him up from the station, letting him stay over night in my spare room, feeding him and being flexible and kind. Sadly, he is controlling and abusive when he visits. Following the last visit at Christmas I decided to do nothing as I now think his behaviour does more harm than good. As I suspected, without the calls from us and asking him when he will be visiting and trying to pin him down for visits, we have heard nothing. He has no interest in the kids nursery school, friends, activities, health etc or mine but when he visits then he is all about judging my parenting etc. I know it’s a very difficult position to be in as you clearly just want the best for your daughter but I think setting boundaries and going through court is probably your only option – that’s where I’ll be heading. One stable, emotionally available and loving parent is enough. I know it’s tough though, I’m right there with you, I have two toddlers and locked down, it’s not easy x

[Bibishor9]

I’m just so stressed, worried about how things are going to go really, financially I can’t afford going to court, I heard I can represent myself, but all the other implications are unknown to me plus the emotional impact of that on my kid and me. I do work as well but as a HCA in an NHS hospital… In a Covid ward it’s hasn’t been easy really trying to sort out my shifts around school and breakfast clubs and afterclubs.

Spoke to a lawyer recommended by citizens advice today… Mediation would be the first step… That costs… Then court. If he will take me  eventually when I will stop him dropping by whenever it suits him, I will have to represent myself somehow.

His messages are very out of the context, nothing to do with the stability of the little one, he is just obsessed with what I’m doing, why I can’t take him back after his numerous cheating episodes ( by episodes = in February found out he had two relationships in the same time while living with us, he moved in somewhere with one of his mistress es) my daughter was introduced to 3 women while she was with her dad,  without my knowledge over the past few years.

 

It’s just too much for me to deal with all this, him not wanting to be consistent with his time with her.

[GingerbreadMichelle]

Hi

I’m Michelle, one of the moderators here in the forum.  I’m glad to see that you’re getting some support with this.  I know you’ve said that it’s difficult to discuss, so I hope that seeing that others have some similar experiences is making it easier. Great that you’re posting.

The Single Parents Helpline may be able to help you clarify some of your options.  Here are some contact details:

Single Parent Help

• Gingerbread Single Parent Helpline – Freephone 0808 802 0925

Opening hours:  Mon 10 – 6, Tues 10- 4, Wed 10 – 1 & 5 – 7, Thurs 10 – 4, Fri 10 – 4  They can be busy so callers can expect to wait up to 20 minutes before the call is answered
https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/what-we-do/contact-us/helpline/

There are also lots of information pages here in the site to help you navigate your situation with links to other services that may be helpful.  The following pages might be useful:

Contact arrangements for single parents – Gingerbread

Child maintenance – Gingerbread

Hope this helps

Michelle

 

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