Dealing with very difficult ex

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  • #55226 Report

    Suzy4
    Participant

    I have 2 young children with my ex and we separated more than a year ago. He has refused to sign a separation agreement and also refuses to make up an agreement when he takes the kids. He is narcissistic and tries to control everything I feel. He tells me I work too much, I don’t look after the kids but will barely take them. I work full time and have the kids most of the time and I am exhausted with the whole situation. Anyone  have any tips on how to deal with this situation? I try not to engage in conversation when I drop the kids. Thanks in advance

    #55237 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    hi,

    is he paying you maintenance? if he barely has the kids, then paying for child care could be an option. going through court will not have much effect, as they can not force him to spend more time with kids. they can get you to make the kids available to him on set days/weekends, but he would be free to accept or refuse to have them.

    #55242 Report

    Joanna79
    Participant

    I agree ref looking at managing all this yourself, take full control of your life as it sounds like he isn’t willing to cooperate. If you haven’t been onto the CSA I would immediately. I would ask for potential options to be calculated e.g one wknd overnight stay, once a fortnight etc. Tell your ex in advance in a friendly polite totally non emotional way that you are contacting the CSA and does he want to formalise with you how and when he will see the kids before you do so. Also look at CSA payments for zero overnight stays. I’d go to them no matter what our ex says.

    Then you can source childcare yourself and take away your reliance on him. He only has an impact on you as you need something from him. Take that need away. You cannot force him to want to see his kids, you can only be there to listen for your children when they reflect ( if they do) on what a douche their father possibly is.

    Do not acknowledge a single word he utters that is emotional or anything other than childcare arrangements. Pretend it hasn’t even been said if you’re having a conversation or emailand he says anything about your parenting. Just communicate formally,pleasantly, be polite and decent and take all your control back.

    His words ref your parenting are entirely a reflection of his own feelings of incompetence, he possibly feels worthless and powerless and wants some control over the situation. That’s his way of trying to get it. I always suggest being as decent and kind as possible whilst being very assertive and not getting involved in any emotions chat ever. Not easy – I know this.

     

    #55256 Report

    Rebena
    Participant

    If things get difficult i would try to block his numbers and just stop contact.there are people who can help.I dont know the situation but you might be able to take non molestation order and you wont have any contact.Court social services can support with contact.

    I cant protect myself from my ex his control manipulation etc so i blocked his number now other people are sorting out childcte arrangments..yoi dont need him in your life.

    #55269 Report

    Suzy4
    Participant

    Thanks I really appreciate all your advice. I am going to contact CSA as I thought we could sort this out ourselves but his behaviour is escalating at times and flaring and finding it difficult to manage.

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