Dealing with mental/emotional abuse…

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  • #51577 Report

    MummyP87
    Participant

    Hi

    I left my partner of 6 years last year, we’d been seperated for 4/5 months and have 2 young children. During the previous 6 years he had been emotionally and mentally abusive. Playing the victim and making me feel like i’m the crazy one in the wrong all the time. He nevet supported me in anyway, left me holding both babies while he went on benders. But stupidly I missed him and we decided to give it another, again its ended badly. This time he had even stooped as low as to accuse me of child abuse..!! I’m so broken after that. My children are my life I would never harm them so to be accused of that had crushed me. I feel like the worlds worst Mum. I don’t really know why i’m posting this or what i’m hoping to get from it, but i’m tired of putting this on friends and family and alot of them don’t know about this attempt at getting back together these accusations he has made against me. So I suppose i’m just looking for help, advice or support from someone else who has been treat badly by their partner like this and to know there’s light at the end of the tunnel or maybe ways to deal with co-parenting with someone of that mentality. Thank you if you read this to the end and thanks in advance for anyone who replies, I just feel so lost down and alone xx

    #51599 Report

    loulabear
    Participant

    I feel your pain as I have just this week came out of a similar situation! he wasn’t a drinker but he did manage to convince everyone including my friends that I was the bad one who caused all the issues!

    mental abuse is so bad as nobody can see your scars, I belive that I am gonna be bigger and better than him in the end, its a long road but I will get there and so will you.

    I can’t offer any advice as I’m only on day 3 of being a single mum but I know you can do this as I know i can do this too!  x

     

    #51601 Report

    MummyP87
    Participant

    Thank you for replying.!

    I can’t believe I even thought we could make things work again, that I believed things would be any different to before. I feel so stupid..!! I feel like i’ve let my children down. And I don’t know how mentally I can overcome the accusation of abusing my child altho now he is saying he never said those things which is standard behaviour for him.

    It is so hard doing this alone spesh trying to co-parent with someone like him! But like you say we can do this and will come out bigger and stronger. Just today is not that day, I can barely function right now. My head is pounding the kids have trashed the house, my heart literally is beating out of my chest with anxiety and worry that he will try for custody now as he is that spiteful and his family are quite well off whereas I have nothing..!!! I literally left him with nothing, just clothes and toys. Was more or less homeless with 2 small children until recently, living in a family members spare room. Which makes me feel even more sick that now he is accusing me of child abuse. Sorry to rant on xx

    #51602 Report

    Singlemumoftwogirls
    Participant

    That’s terrible, I really feel for you. You are not alone in this. You are definitely better off being away from someone who will stoop so low as to say/accuse you of such horrible things. Stay strong, seek support wherever you can and also perhaps some way of documenting/getting on record what he is doing/saying in case you need it in the future and also might help you deal with the accusation.

    Am here if you ever need to talk, went through hard time with my ex too

    Xx

    #51605 Report

    MummyP87
    Participant

    Thank you!

    I’ve self referred myself to my local talking shop, I used then when I suffered with post natal depressionso hopefully that will help. I’ve also asked him to email for contact but doubt he will, as i’d read that thats a good way to document things for future reference.

    From your experience does it get worse before better..? Are these horrible accusations because they are bitter and have nothing else they can do to hurt you..? I just don’t get how someone can be so evil x

    #51606 Report

    Ali.saa
    Participant

    Hey there,

    So sorry to hear that and you’re not alone. Just focus for having good time with your kids. I completely aware when we faced with these problems, we start thinking to ourselves why has so much bad things happened to me but I want to tell you you are not alone.

     

    #51615 Report

    Gummibear123
    Participant

    Ha!! I’ve heard this one before😋 soooo…it goes like this:

    He leaves you with the kids,doesn’t pay maintenance,rarely bothers to contact the kids,you are an abusive mother(‘obviously’)  and he’s happy to tell anyone who will listen how it’s all your fault…and believe me they suck it up😉…..buuuuuut my question when it happened to me was; if I’m so abusive what kind of a father leaves his vulnerable little kids with a crazy mother?!

    Now That always stumps them😊

    Cheer up,it’s horrible while it lasts but it gets better & it takes time but eventually people see the truth💝

     

    #51616 Report

    Gummibear123
    Participant

    I just read you say you are worried he will try to get custody of your kids.I am so sorry,my comment was off the mark then!! And I hope it didn’t cause you even more stress or anxiety!!!

    #51621 Report

    MummyP87
    Participant

    No need to apologise Gummibear123. You aren’t far off thr mark at all..!! He always left me with the kids while we werr together, it was like single parenting but with a spectator. He’d rather go on a bender with his mates or sometimes alone than spend time with his kids. He only steps up when we are apart as he has no choice, sad really..!! But no he pays no maintenance, apparently we have the children 50/50. He actually has them 2-3 nightd across 3 days and 2 of those days the kids are in nursery all day from 7.30-5.30pm.. I have them 4 nights sometimes more and all day too. It’s a struggle just to get him to pay towards nursery let alone any other help from him so I dont bother. And he is the type that has made all his family n friends think i’m the villain. When we were together I asked a few times fot help from his family but they are all that scarred of hid nasty ways nobody helped and tbh some members of his family are just as horrible as he is and made me feel like I was never good enough. I totally agrer though, if I was that abusive and crazy then why would he leave his children in my care..? The same children that want to be attached to me 24/7, the same children that hide and scream because they dont want to go to their Dads house on a weekend. That spend the first 24 hours with him crying to come home to me..?? Its crazy..!! I have made a councillor appointment to speak to someone about the stress and anxiett him and his family cause me. I need to get back to a better place. Happy Mum happy babys. ❤️❤️

    #51622 Report

    mstime
    Participant

    I dont think im able to help but thought my situation may help yours even slightly. My partner is no longer with us. My Mother in Law (her mother) thought that she should have the children. I said no,im fine and can deal with this. Instead of thinking that im the Dad and everything will be fine,decided to tell Social Services a load of lies about me to try to get the children off me. Now,heres the thing that counts so much. Everyone who knows me,including her own daughters and Son, KNOW  for a fact that i can love them,care for them and give them a nice life. Thats my point, people who KNOW you will not listen to hearsay,lies, excuses etc. They know you and know your personality. Forgot Facebook and all that bxlloxks. People who know you, KNOW you. Ive dealt with Social Services (who put a red flag against her) and ive dealt with her Daughters,her Son, two of her sisters who all say the same thing. We know you and take no notice of her. But your correct,when somebody accuses you of child neglect it can hurt so much ! Surround yourself with those who both know you and love you for who you are. Forget the outsiders. They are either liers or mugs. Keep going xx

    #51623 Report

    MummyP87
    Participant

    Thank you mstime ❤️ You are right the people who know me know the truth and who I really am and the type of Mother I am. It has really hurt me being accused of abuse but I know deep down if he was to try for custody he would really struggle. I am still terrified though because he is a very nasty person with words and the things he is capable of doing.

    Thank you for your kind words ❤️

    #51626 Report

    mstime
    Participant

    Dont worry about his words or his friends on Social Media etc. They may know him but they dont know you. Its only you that counts right now. Your the one looking after the children. As you say, the people who know you, KNOW the truth. Youll get through this BECAUSE they know you. As ive learnt,many will pay lip service to the individual involved but know deep down the truth. Try not to worry. He cant get custody just by telling lies. It doesnt work like that. Take care Buddy xx

    #51655 Report

    MummyP87
    Participant

    Thank you ❤️ I will try not to worry xx

    #51712 Report

    Minestrone
    Participant

    Look for some support at women’s right organizations – they often help the victims for free – specialists in law and psychology too. Did you think about therapy?

    #51729 Report

    kathmaria143
    Participant

    Hi
    <div></div>
    <div>I hope you are feeling better about yourself, take a deep breath. You need to realise this is not your fault. Your partner has unfortunately had or still has an alcohol addiction. The drug is controlling him. Whilst under the influence or if he is withdrawing from the drug. The next day side effects. The mood swing, irritability, not able to sleep…Even not remembering things. I am even noticing he can not remember things in the past now. It seems the alcohol may have seriously damaged his brain. You are not dealing with a person who is not stable. The sad thing it is not his fault. In the beginning of drinking alcohol or taking drugs, you are in control of the drug, but after a while, the drug takes over the body in either physical or psychological dependence.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>The second issue I wanted to talk about is that of the professional term ‘Gaslighting’. It is a technique which, men and women use in a relationship to control heir partner. It is a form of <span style=”color: #111111; font-family: Roboto, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;”>manipulating (someone) by psychological means into doubting their own sanity.</span></div>
    <div></div>
    <div>The person can make comments like, it is all in your head, I did not say or do this…If he drinks alcohol especially in excess. There is a memory loss. It is their mental issue definitely not yours. He seems very defence, and of course, he has to divert the blame on to you, as you are the innocent party. He doesn’t want to lose everything, as he must be feeling he is not in control of his life, and his intense cravings of the alcohol.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>Your ex-partner needs professional help to realise what he is saying is abusive, he needs helps with his alcohol addiction. If he is still drinking a lot he is not safe to be around the children, The child may have already picked up subconsciously his behaviour, lack of respect to you and women.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>The children may need counselling to talk through this abusive relationship. You have done the right thing to leave him, You can cope and you will survive.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>What I say to myself. However bad I bring up my children, it will still be better than if I had stayed with my husband under those abusive conditions. (I do as we all do our best for our children)</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>The feelings of missing your partner is a natural response, you may be thinking of the good times. The sentiment. Alcohol is the caught of the breakdown of the relationship. He needs to want to get help for the sake of the children and to live longer in his life.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>You need to be strong and brave for the children’s sake. Your ex-partner may not be the same person you first met. Addiction is a terrible thing. Some people go through recovery and it changes their lives, some relapse, and it can be a continuous cycle of taking, and rehabilitating. You deserve a stable partner and a stable relationship. None of this is your fault. You are an awesome person!</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>Good luck, thanks Katherine,</div>

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