Dealing with everything else that comes with a break up
12 April 2020 at 8:59 am #38856
Hi I’m in the same situation, she told me 2 weeks ago she dosnt love me any more , I’m still living in the same house and we are talking but once the corona does one we are going sort out all monies , Iv said we should try keep the house for her to live in with the kids but I’ll be of the Morgage , Iv said that the kids will be spilt evenly over the week like 3/4 days a week Iv told her I’m not being a weekend dad that will never happen , as the same with u it will break me if she moves someone else in to my home I’ve spent blood sweat and tears on , the thought of moving on on my own scares the sh.. out of me12 April 2020 at 9:05 am #38857
We are splitting the kids too mate but its not the same is it? Ill be having them for tea 2/3 times through the week & take them home afterwards and they will stay over every other weekend so its not messing with them too much, which I agree with.
Are you in a financial position where she can stay on the mortgage on her own and you can go and get something yourself on your own?
We’re both just turning 30 this year and she’s a good looking girl. She said she wants to go and make new memories and have things to look forward to. Just feels like she will be cracking on straight away after the lockdown but its probably just in my head.
Sh.t isn’t it.12 April 2020 at 9:12 am #38859
Hi we will need remortgage the house to pay what we can of the depts and hopefully she can afford this on her own , it is shit it feels as tho the world has ended for me and I’ll be alone for ever but I think I’m just thinking the worst , she’s got loads of friends where as Iv got hardly any so she’s always on her phone talking to people and I’m just sitting here feeling crap , I feel as tho she will move on quickly and forget the 15 yrs we’ve been together only time will tell12 April 2020 at 9:18 am #38860
I’m in a similar boat to be honest, I made most of my time for the kids and the quiet life. I have friends and work mates but I don’t go out often. Will have to change that now though or I’ll just be moping about forever. If you’re on social media look at Paul Morts page. He’s a life coach, helps you get your head in a better place if you watch his content.
So what will be your living arrangements? Obviously the bank will have to do an affordability check on your partner to confirm she can afford it all on her own and if not you will have to stay on or sell.12 April 2020 at 6:31 pm #38873
Sorry to hear you are going through this. House prices are supposedly falling due to this virus so now (or after lockdown) wouldn’t be a good time to sell as you’d not see much of a gain in equity. I would definitely recommend that she speaks with your lender though…my lender wasn’t overly happy about me taking on our mortgage in my own name but they agreed to put the form of paying what is owing on the mortgage at the end of the term as ‘sale of the house’. We didn’t have a huge mortgage though. I shall take out a new mortgage once things have calmed down but for now it’s a way of releasing my ex as otherwise, like you, he wouldn’t be able to buy anywhere. Not sure how it all works re the house and finances as you’re not married. Hope you get it sorted. Try not to think of her in the house, it will take some time, but soon you will be in a position to make new memories of your own13 April 2020 at 4:32 pm #38911
Gosh. It is an awful time. I remember feeling as if someone had just swept in to my worlds, torn it up into pieces and thrown them from a high tower to see they could find a place to land. But I did survive and re-take control and you will too.
I agree with Hel01782 you just need to go one step at a time and don’t worry too much immediately. Any long term decisions come with legal orders and paperwork so any arrangements at the moment are only temporary. I would use a solicitor until you are mentally and emotionally more ‘back on your feet’. It is expensive so tread carefully – a friend told me to reccy up the assets (just a house for me) and to ensure that I never spent anything out of kilter with this. I’d definitely look at the Gingerbread info on this one.
I do know that there are loads of different living arrangements and financial agreements out there so you need to find the one that suits your best. If you are the breadwinner, then your financial well-being is your family’s financial future , so do look after yourself and stand back to make wise and future-proof decisions, possibly with a solicitor at first but then as you grow stronger, by yourself.
It’s a sad and horrible time but you are not alone and you will get through it.
Best wishes and stay safe and well x13 April 2020 at 7:06 pm #38917
For what it’s worth I’m in sort of the same situation.My soon to be ex husband wants to sell and I don’t.We went to mediation which helps to sort out what you would have should you sell and helps you talk through your options.
In my view it doesn’t matter who did what(for the house)it doesn’t work like that.
Try to talk about what you want to do and lots of solicitors offer a fixed fee meeting to start with
I will say it is true that no one really wins apart from solicitors cause I’ve spent a fortune so far and it’s still ongoing.
If she is still living there and you are not then she should pay the mortgage this is what I’m having to do and that’s what my solicitor said even with your name on she has to be able to pay the mortgage or she couldn’t keep the house anyway.
This is just my experience so far and not sure if it will help or make sense to you but I wish you luck.13 April 2020 at 7:24 pm #38918
I don’t think either of us will let it get to the point where solicitors are needed. I’m a pretty laid back person and forgive quite quickly once I’ve calmed down.
We still see each other daily its just hard because I feel the opposite to her and still in shock with it all.
We had a conversation yesterday and I told her my feelings towards the house and that I think I want to sell. She couldn’t understand it and said its her house too she shouldn’t have to move. She will do everything she can to keep it (which I kind of understand). Its just hard when we picked that home together and were supposed to be starting our next chapter there with our 2 young kids and now I’ve lost all that but she hasn’t. She will get everything she wants and I lose everything I wanted to keep (relationship, full time parent & home).
As everyone keeps saying – I’ll take it slowly and I’m sure in the end it will all work out. Its just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now.
Thanks for the feedback all x13 April 2020 at 7:35 pm #38919
To be completely honest with you I’d move straight back in and say I can’t afford two places and this is my house as well as yours if she doesn’t like it she can always move out and you and your kids can have the house because I’ll tell you something the moment you try anything with the mortgage she will stop you seeing the kids I had a similar issue with my son as soon as his mum didn’t like something and I wasn’t do exactly what I was told that was it I wasn’t allowed to see him at the moment I’m living as a single parent with my daughter and I’m being completely fair with her mum but if it was the other way round and I didn’t have my daughter I’d have to jump though hoops to see her just be careful13 April 2020 at 7:37 pm #38920
Hi my wife’s told me today all the little things that made her come to the decision why she doesn’t love me any more and they are so petty , she’s not perfect her self but I wouldn’t stop loving her over silly things we aren’t all perfect , 15 yrs just gone like that 😞13 April 2020 at 7:45 pm #38922
It just makes you question whether they ever actually did love you as I don’t understand how you can just stop all of a sudden. I’d understand if one was caught cheating or something on that level.
At the end of the day there’s nothing you can do about it. You can’t manage someone else’s emotions or feelings but you can manage your own.
Could be worse, could be stuck in a loveless relationship and not happy.
Look forward to the time you will have with the kids, makes use its fun for all of you and the thing you & they look forward to most during the week. Try and get yourself out there once you’re ready. I think speaking to new people and having someone else to focus on will be a massive help. This is brand new to me too, my only relationship I’ve ever had, together since we were 16. Life moves on and you will too 👍