Dealing with everything else that comes with a break up
8 April 2020 at 9:02 pm #38784
I’m currently going through a break up, very recently split with my partner of 10+ years, we’re engaged but not married (wary of putting full details on here). We have 2 young children and recently moved into our first home (mortgage). Out of nowhere she told me she now feels different and no longer loves me. This has resulted in me moving back to my parents and visiting the kids most days (we’re still civil) although I’m starting to get more annoyed the more I think about what she’s doing to me.
She wants to keep our home with the children however I will need to keep my name on the mortgage for her do this & won’t be able to move on myself until she is in a position to afford the house without me. The thought of her moving on is bad enough but the thought of her moving on with someone else in our home is even worse.
Is it morally wrong if I push to sell the house and she will have to rent somewhere with the kids or is that fair as the break up is her decision?
I feel like at the moment I’m losing my relationship, being a full time parent & my family home whilst she is getting everything she wanted.9 April 2020 at 12:56 pm #38787
Why did you leave your house? Honestly get back there before she changes the locks.
You are paying the mortgage whilst your partner is enjoying all the benefits. After the covid business go and get legal advice.and stay put!!!9 April 2020 at 1:53 pm #38801
Initially she wanted us to go on a break away from each other to see if time apart would help her figure things out. The break then turned into a break up after 2 weeks so I just stayed in my parents as it didn’t feel right going back knowing how she felt. I go there most days due to the lock down to spend time with the kids and she goes into work to give me space.
As I say we’re still very civil and making sure the kids are happy however I’m getting to a point where I feel her decision is really effecting me and will effect the kids once we tell them and sort things out properly. I’m pretty confident she isn’t the type to change the locks.
Is it wrong of me for wanting the sell the house or does that make perfect sense even as a neutral?.obviously she can’t help how she feels about me but surely I can’t just be expected to let her have it all her own way. The house was bought for us as a family and I don’t want to move out but have to accept i won’t be living there regardless.9 April 2020 at 3:27 pm #38807
Sorry but you need to get tough. Just get your stuff and move back. Say it coz of virus then get legal advice. If you don’t want to move back fair enough. If you don’t sell where will you live??? You can 2 homes afford to pay for 2 homes??9 April 2020 at 5:27 pm #38808
To be honest, I don’t think I could handle living there in the situation. Its hard enough going down when I do. As great as it is seeing the kids I get anxious about it all as I know its never going to be my house. It was bought for us as a family to live in and we’re now a split family and will never live together anyway.
I’m obviously welcome at my parents for as long as I need but the thought of being there for years isn’t what I want. Also I will have to watch her carry on in our home without me involved. The thought of her moving on and eventually bringing another man to live there knocks me sick but thats going to happen eventually anyway. I just don’t know what is best for the kids. I think I need to think about myself now as that’s all she seems to of done which is a big shock to me as she has never been that type of person.9 April 2020 at 5:50 pm #38809
So you are happy to pay for the bills and mortgage. You OK about when she brings her new bloke home? Honestly you need to get a grip. Good luck with decision to move back with your parents so your ex has the run of the place.9 April 2020 at 5:56 pm #38810
I don’t pay the bills or mortgage (currently took a payment holiday). She is paying all of that as I’m not there.
What I’m saying is, is it morally wrong for me to kick them out to go and rent so we can sell the house after they’re already settled. I will be going to my parents regardless as I won’t be able to afford my own place at the moment its when I’m ready to move on I won’t be able to as my name will still be on the mortgage and then this conversation will happen again. Or she will have someone else to take over the mortgage with her.
I’m pretty sure the correct answer is to sell the house and we both start again as its her decision that is leading to this consequence I just wanted opinions from people who have gone through this sort of thing and see what they done. She hasn’t cheated on me or anything, just decided she no longer loves me howbeit that has now changed mine & the kids lives for good & not for the better in my opinion but what can I do?11 April 2020 at 8:10 am #38828
Hi Jalder, no it isn’t morally wrong to want to sell the house.
Having split, you both need to move on and rebuild your lives. If you were a millionaire and could afford to keep two houses without hardship, then maybe but you aren’t, you need to be able to live too.
Speak to a solicitor, and get things clear in your head while we are in Lockdown. You aren’t proposing to throw her out on the street. Look at the cost of rentals and housing benefit for your area. Think about a deposit and splitting possessions/furniture. You wouldn’t want your children living somewhere awful so come up with a plan that she can see is workable.11 April 2020 at 9:26 am #38831
I think you’re amazing to let the kids stay in the house. A house is just bricks – and if you’re at your parents that’s great as you don’t have to pay for 2 places.
You should seek legal advice cos you have a joint mortgage – perhaps you can discuss selling the property once all this covid19 stuff is over then you can both split the money and move on. but I think you’re doing the right thing at the moment letting them stay and not kicking them out or moving back in and it being stressful. If you’re getting more annoyed then don’t allow your anger/frustration to guide you. You know you are being the bigger person here. Maybe you did nothing wrong but sometimes people just change or get bored or want more from life and it results in separation. That would’ve happened whoever she was with so it’s not your fault.
think of the kids only – the world is extra crazy for them now, and to kick off about the house now would be really bad timing. Perhaps write a polite professional email to her stating that you have moved out to allow the kids to have a calm atmosphere and both will continue paying for the mortgage then once the covid19 is over maybe you could both look to sell the house and move on properly.
good luck x11 April 2020 at 9:31 am #38832
You just need to breathe and take one day at time. Don’t think about her meeting other people – with kids and job she’s not going to have much time to do that and if she decides she didn’t want to be with you anymore it’s probably for the best. You don’t want to be with someone who is not happy to be with you.
are you paying maintenance to her? You’ll have to if she’s looking after the kids and paying your mortgage especially if you’re not paying at the moment- it would help in the long run to keep everything on an even keel and show that you are committed to the kids welfare.
xxx11 April 2020 at 9:43 am #38836
Thanks for the feedback..
At the moment I’m out of work due to the virus so I’ve took a mortgage holiday. I still pay for the kitchen finance and my credit card from my savings account. We have discussed child maintenance which im obviously happy to pay.
I have mentioned selling the house when the break up first come about and I was accused of only caring about the house and that she would be homeless as renting would be more expensive than the mortgage but I’d like to think with all the work we (i) have done to the house we will get a fair bit of equity as long as the virus doesn’t ruin the housing market. This would allow to pay off our debts before moving on making renting cost around the same as it would if she where to stay.
I just don’t think its fair that she gets everything her way, the break up, the kids & our family home while I have to watch on from my parents unable to financially move on until my name comes off the mortgage.
I still see her daily as I go to see the kids and we talk (although I try not to as seeing her makes me anxious as I still have strong feelings for her and it hurts knowing she no longer does after all that time together).
Should I be honest with her and tell her where my head is at with the house now even though there’s not much we can do at the min, is it wrong to wait until this is all over, will she feel like I’ve kept it from her? I don’t know. I know when I do tell her its not going to go down well and I will be accused of all kinds – surely it matters how I feel as I’m the one that seems to be losing everything I’ve hoped for in life. A relationship, a family & a family home.
Thanks for the feedback though its much appreciated x11 April 2020 at 11:22 am #38839
Sorry to say this, but you will find that divorce is very unfair, it doesnt matter who has done what to whom and what happens in the aftermath. All the courts will care about is, are the children taken care of.
If after all this there is any significant equity in the house and by that i mean enough to enable both of you (ie with split equity from house sale and you both having a mortgage) to each buy somewhere of equal value in the locale, then it is probably a question of selling. If you don’t have enough equity then probably not worth solicitors fees to find out in court (cost me best part of 40k) although you will never hear a solicitor say that! Courts are also a crap shoot, as in you won’t see the same judge twice, so whilst one is sympathetic another may have a massively different view/outcome and it is only the third time you go to court that actually a legal decision is made by the judge you see that day.
If there isn’t enough equity for.you both to buy somewhere then it becomes a.case that you will have to sort something out between the two of you and unless you take her to court, I don’t believe you can force her out of the house. Someone on this forum who is legally trained may be able to correct me.on what i have said from a legal perspective, but this is my experience.11 April 2020 at 11:36 am #38840
Thanks for the message.
We’re not married but both jointly own the house. I wouldn’t let it go to court. I would just have to get on with it if that was the case. I don’t think either of us would want that.
I just don’t think its fair that my name should stay on the mortgage so she can afford to keep it as it prevents me from moving on in the future – who knows when she will be able to afford it on her own. I can’t be expected to stay at my parents long term (turning 30 this year).
I’d like to think she can use the money to go and rent a house until maybe one day she meets someone and can look to get back on the ladder as I will have to. Only bonus for me is it won’t be costing me living at my parents but this was all her choice and not mine. I’m losing everything else.11 April 2020 at 12:22 pm #38841
Frustrating i know. Not sure if gingerbread has a helpline that can give you specific advice on this. It is a complicated business splitting up and dividing things up and there are no winners (excepting solicitors!). You will come to some arrangement, whether it be between yourselves, (have you asked what it would take for you to have your name taken off the mortgage?) or by using solicitors/mediators, but it may not be something that is sorted out spectacularly quickly, legal/financial stuff is very slow if no compromise can be agreed and probably more so in the current climate. Good luck.11 April 2020 at 12:52 pm #38842
She wouldn’t pass an affordability check if my name was to come off the mortgage thats why she needs me to chose to keep it on. It will just restrict me from being able to rent/buy further down the line if I meet someone first. If she met someone first I think it would kill me mentally having another man take over my mortgage and move into our family home with our kids. Especially after I done all the work to the house, spent endless lunch hours, nights & weekends there doing it all and only lived there for 7 months before this happened. Shocked isn’t the word.
Thanks again for the feedback, its good to talk to people who have been in similar positions.