Daughter has started taking drugs

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  • #47370 Report

    Jules1966
    Participant

    Hi this is my first time posting. Apologies for the long post.
    I’ve been a single Mum of 4 kids for 17 years. Two of each. Three out of four of them have grown up with no concerns or issues at all but my problem is child number 3, who actually is now an adult as she turned 18 in August.
    back story is my ex husband isn’t allowed any contact with me or the kids due to his violence so he has had no contact whatsoever with them for 7 years.
    my mum died six months ago and all of my kids were massively close to her and we are all grieving still.

    Prior to mum passing away I noticed that my daughter was obviously more than keen on a man that was temporarily lodging next door. He is double her age, has 4 young children that he’s abandoned and is known in the area for being a heavy drug user. Both myself, my other children and my late Mum warned her to leave him alone, as it looked like she was doing all the chasing to be fair, and she promised us faithfully that nothing was going on. We then lost Mum, and she took that very badly, started drinking heavily. Cut to the day after her 18th birthday and she finally admitted that in fact she had been seeing this man behind our backs for months and as she was now 18 there was nothing we could do about it. Since then she has started doing drugs, firstly weed but then progressed onto cocaine. He has since been thrown out of staying at our next door neighbours and has no fixed home, just stays on people’s sofas. I won’t allow him in our house as he had also been done for theft and is constantly stoned, has even driven his car at me and my eldest son whilst high. My daughter has five times left Home to be with him but got fed up soon after of sleeping in the car overnight and asked us to go and pick her up the following day.

    23rd December she stormed out yet again but this time she went to her fathers house, after having nothing to do with him for 7 years and ignoring the court order that was in place. I raced over there as I was terrified for her safety but she refused to leave there as she said she wanted a different parent and she said everyone deserves a second chance, despite her witnessing first hand when she was younger all the beatings he gave me and her brothers. I had no choice but to leave her there as the police regarded her now as an adult but then all night she was ringing me asking me to come and get her as she wanted to come home again. I picked her up the following morning as he had locked her in and taken the keys to bed with him and I brought her home which then caused so much trouble with my other children as they don’t want anything to do with her because of the trouble she is causing. They are so angry at the risk she put herself and me in, plus she has told my ex husband where we are living, where we all work, phone numbers, everything and since then  we have had nothing but abuse from him.

    Here in Wales we are in a tier 4 lockdown but she’s ignored that every night to see her boyfriend, she won’t listen to me whatsoever. Last night he picked her up stoned and she didn’t come home last night. She never answers her phone, and I am absolutely at my wits end with what she’s doing. All of my children had counselling Bcos of what they went through with my ex husband and I’ve tried suggesting she needs more but she won’t listen. She’s telling horrific lies, absolutely awful ones, she inherited a very large sum of money from my Mum on her 18th birthday and she blew it within three weeks, she’s never worked as she refuses to get a job. I’m absolutely despairing what to do next.
    Please can someone give me some advice. My brother said I should practice tough love on her and throw her out but if I did that where would she end up ? I’m living on my nerves right now and so scared for the future, please can someone give me some advice x

    #47371 Report

    sirtobi
    Participant

    Hello Jules,

    You are living through every parents nightmare. My thoughts and sympathies are with you. The 18 year threshold to be an adult is arbitrary but unfortunately it changes the whole game. From what I gather you have to weight the risk for all of your children and yourself equally. Sometimes one of our children needs more attention and more love than the others, and we have to attend to this need. Your Problem is greater though. Your daughter doesn’t take into account the risk she puts herself in, which is bad enough, but also she puts you and her siblings at risk. That seems to be, what your other children are feeling and what is a fact. So you have to protect them and get your eldest daughter into different accommodation. You need to set clear boundaries and mitigate the risk. I know how difficult this is, but I worked with drugs for quite a while as a Volunteer and the only path to beat them is trust. And you have to trust your daughter to find a way through this, listen but be firm. You can’t live someone else’s ( your daughters ) life, but you are responsible for those in your care. There is no way around this.

    You probably don’t want to read this, but it is the only advice I can give

    #47376 Report

    Sherinam
    Participant

    When they start taking drugs  it becomes their best friend ! She is not going to.listen to you nor does she care about the repercussions! She will be looking for the next fix and she is

     with this bloke because he can supply her.  Everything is cool when you are on the drug  so after a high you will want it again and again . Cocaine is an addictive drug that is hard to come off!

    You need to think about your other children . Your child is now a drug addict ! There will come a point where she will ask you for help mat this point you are wasting your time trying to help her .

     

    #47448 Report

    Birdofparadise20
    Participant

    Hello, 

    I see this is a very distressing situation for you. Firstly let me just say, I dislike this older man, and someone should tell him to drive off into the sunset. Your daughter needs you right now. Please try not to focus on just the ‘drug’ aspect of what is happening with her. I feel like people are not the most informed about drugs are usually very quick to just label all drugs as the same. Statically it’s easier to stop taking cocaine and weed than other drugs like benzodiazepines. If she grieving she is more likely to turn to benzodiazepines type drugs as these are used to treat anxiety disorders however they are extremely hard to get off of and if they are ‘street’ or ‘fake’ then they can also be laced with worse and more addictive drugs like fentanyl and potentially deadly. I know it can be hard to feel like your child’s punching bag, but teenagers are slightly like toddlers as in they don’t really express themselves properly and need to be constantly reassured that you are on their side. I know the last thing you want to do is give her special attention, but perhaps if you do then she won’t try and get it from this other man? Just a tactic to try and get her away from this man and also a way to get her comfortable enough to discuss what her underlying issues are. Teenagers who fall into this sort of behaviour are usually more sensitive as people. I’m not sure what your daughters interests are but perhaps you could do something together that would help her to feel closer to you?

    #47462 Report

    Moseley Guy
    Participant

    So sorry to hear of your nightmare….my son started down that road and and I refused to give up on him – too many young men and woman are living on the streets because their parents gave up on them when they are most vulnerable. Trouble is, so many are still kids at 18, and older, and the “law” is of no help until it comes to a head.

    All  can say is just let her know you are there and you care…….things  will no doubt come to a particular crisis point here your local police and other agencies  will have to take action, but your daughter will know you are there for her, however destructive her life has become….best wishes, John.

    #47478 Report

    Greenfingers
    Participant

    Like someone else said, it’s every parents worst nightmare. You should never give up on your daughter, I’m confident that this is temporary though the damage will depend likely on the duration of their relationship. You have no control over this and I feel the best thing you can do is maintain a really open relationship with your daughter, trust is priceless. Be there for her when she needs you, offer a place of safety with ground rules ie no drugs in the house, personally I wouldn’t have him around. It’s a place of safety for her. I wouldn’t give her money but I’d make sure she’s fed. If she can be honest with you about her relationship and her drug use then she doesn’t need to lie to you. She will go to others for support if she can’t get it from you. Lots of what happens just now will be out of your control. I would suggest speaking with the GPs regarding emotional support for you and explore what services are available in your area with regards to drug reduction services. If you have a better relationship with her then she may be open to discussing long term contraception to avoid pregnancy which would open another can of worms. She’s going to make bad choices, ones that we all prefer she didn’t, try to focus your attention on things that you have control over and not those that you don’t. Massive hugs

    #47490 Report

    Jules1966
    Participant

    Hi everyone, thanks for your responses. Sorry for the delay in replying but we have had a Rocky few days with her, lots of tears and arguments, lots of coming in drugged up again. I told her that I couldn’t carry on letting her treat us all the way that she was doing or putting everyone at risk including herself. And I think it did sink in. But then her boyfriend hit his ex partner two days ago, in front of the children he has with her and I think this has been a bit of an eye opener for my daughter. He picked my daughter up yesterday morning, she wouldn’t listen when we told her to steer clear of him, and I didn’t expect to see her again yesterday but last night at about 10.30pm she walked back in through the front door, she had had a drink but Wasn’t drunk, and didn’t appear to have taken drugs. I asked her why she was back so early as I was so surprised to see her and she said that she had told her boyfriend that she wanted to come home to be with me as she had never not been with me as midnight came on NYE. He refused to bring her home so she got a college mate to bring her home instead. Her brothers rang me at midnight and they spoke to her too for the first time in ages and she was in tears, they told her they loved her but they wouldn’t let her carry on putting all of us at risk. She agreed with them, told us she was struggling to find the old her. I know it’s only baby steps with her, and I mustn’t build my hopes up but as we speak she’s laying next to me asleep in bed as she said she didn’t want to sleep alone last night and I can see glimmers of the old her there. We used to be incredibly close, always together and that’s why all this with her has come as such a shock. Last night the boyfriend was ringing her non stop when she got here and in the end she switched her phone off. So this has been the first glimmer of hope in several months. I know there’s a long road ahead but I think at least she is starting to see through the boyfriend, and I really do think that if he was out of the equation it would be so much easier, but who knows. I just feel a little bit more positive this morning. Anyway Happy New Year everyone x

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