Dad of two saying hello – Currently Separating

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This topic contains 40 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by  MarkHB 1 day, 10 hours ago.

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  • #23487 Report

    MarkHB
    Participant

    Hi there everyone,

    Like the title says, I’m a Dad to two beautiful children, nearly four and nearly one.

    Sadly in January my wife of five years decided she wanted to separate.

    At first she blamed me, then admitted that it was her and she ‘loved me but wasn’t in love with me’.

    As soon as we told friends and family she set herself up on dating apps and has started going on dates in front of me despite us living in the same house.

    For someone who wants to separate she’s done nothing to make it happen and now I am waiting for our little girls birthday to pass next week before having to be the one to set this in motion.

    Feel heart broken and betrayed whilst she acts like she’s doing nothing wrong and still claims I am her best friend.

    Currently trying to do all I can to get the time with my kids as she’s not acting like a mother right now.

    #23489 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    As hard as it is, I would advise you not to move out especially if your wife isn’t behaving as A mother should.

    Is she still caring for the children appropriately?

    Do you both work?

    It maybe worth actually you considering becoming the primary caregiver?

    #23493 Report

    MarkHB
    Participant

    It’s odd.

    50 percent of the time it’s like nothing’s wrong but then she’s out several times a week getting back at 1/2am (this is a woman who went to bed at 9pm for 10 years) and spends a lot of time on her phone in front of me and he children talking to guys.

    She can’t afford to move out, doesn’t drive and our house was chosen to reflect that.

    We both work so our children are in childcare a lot but I would give my job up tomorrow to be with them.

    i want 50/50 minimum but I have done most of the childcare for 4 years as it is.

    i don’t want to leave but I’m getting my heart ripped apart on a weekly basis and don’t want to degenerate into acrimony.

     

    I think her idea was I leave and she keeps everything including her job.

    #23496 Report

    welshdad
    Participant

    How is she affording to be out several times a week coming back at stupid o’clock when you both work?  Is it your joint funds that is being used for this?

    Sounds like she is having her cake and eating it to be honest, doesn’t want to face the reality of what separation entails but wants to enjoy the single life.

    I’d focus on getting financially independent and starting that discussion sooner rather than later because once things are in motion money is going to be of concern with solicitors etc and finding funds to move out etc.

    Don’t be ridiculed and humiliated, in front of friends family and colleagues!  Unfortunately adultery isn’t grounds for divorce anymore but unreasonable behaviour is.  I would in your shoes look after yourself now cause she sure as hell isn’t looking after you so you need not return the favor.

    She made her bed, let her sleep in it.

    Time to put an end to this behavior not only for your sake but your kids.

    Talking to strange guys in front of the children in your family home is going to confuse and unsettle them, its not on.

    #23497 Report

    MarkHB
    Participant

    We have a joint account which supports our family life but then have our own spending money.

    I don’t know how she is affording it either to be honest.

    I promised I would get past our daughters birthday before doing this but yes at the moment she is having her cake and eating it.

    I am literally building my case for as much custody of the child and whilst she’s running around acting like this I am the one sorting the mortgage, benefits and parenting plan so I can take her to mediation and get this done as I can’t take it anymore.

    As you say it is humiliating, cruel and she is not acting like a married woman with a mortgage and two young children.

    #23498 Report

    MarkHB
    Participant

    To be clear she’s talking to guys on  WhatsApp not actual conversations.

    Our children are too young to know what she is doing.

    #23499 Report

    welshdad
    Participant

    You’d be surprised how much kids pick up.  They know her attention is elsewhere.  But it’s not just about them, it’s you too.  You shouldn’t have to put up with that in your own home, and dating sites while under same roof?  Other ppl in same area will see, someone will recognise her as your wife living with you and it will be very undignified,…its a public announcement of her ridiculing you, and you doing nothing about it implies you don’t know so someone will tell u eventually and u will have to respond somehow, or that you already know and doing nothing about it.  She humiliating you and this will affect other aspects of your life… have some respect for yourself, and tell her it’s not acceptable, if she wants to do that she can move out first.

    #23501 Report

    welshdad
    Participant

    Her behaviour will not come into custodial arrangements.  It’s completely separate so don’t think you suffering will help your cause…it won’t.  Get legal advice if you haven’t already.

    #23503 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    Legal advice will always be as I said for you not to leave the family home.

    I would perhaps frame things as it would be better for her new lifestyle/needs for her to leave. In the interim she could rent a room or one bed place. This will give her opportunity to find herself….

    it also gives you opportunity to show you’re the primary caregiver. Ideally if you can making sure that you are as present as possible- perhaps condensing work hours or working from home a bit if possible?

     

    firget how degrading etc this is. Be practical and really look at the end goal not the little rounds in between. Trying not to use a war and battle analogy here!

    #23504 Report

    MarkHB
    Participant

    Yeah, at the end of the day everyone knows we have separated and all this does is make her look bad.

    Ive called her on it and it won’t stop. This is only about ego and no ones opinion of me that I care about comes into play here.

    My goal is to look after my kids and protect my financial interests.

    I have plenty of respect for myself and that will show through.

    This is a long game and to win it I will have to take some knocks.

    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by  MarkHB.
    #23516 Report

    SingleT
    Participant

    <span class=”s1″ style=”font-family: ‘.SFUIText’; font-size: 17pt;”>Hi Mark</span>

    <span class=”s1″ style=”font-family: ‘.SFUIText’; font-size: 17pt;”>Sorry to hear what you’re going through. It is a horrible time, and more so because it’s happening right under your nose.</span>

    <span class=”s1″ style=”font-family: ‘.SFUIText’; font-size: 17pt;”>First thing tomorrow I would get an hour’s free legal advice. Even if a solicitor says there’s a charge, question it. They usually give you an hour free as it may result in business for them.</span>

    <span class=”s1″ style=”font-family: ‘.SFUIText’; font-size: 17pt;”>I would document her behaviour. It’s amazing how much you forget when you are sorting childcare / home / work / life. Dates, times etc and what impact is has on the children.</span>

    <span class=”s1″ style=”font-family: ‘.SFUIText’; font-size: 17pt;”>Speak to your boss. Ask for support. Whether it’s a change in working pattern, or working from home (if you can) in the evening when the children are in bed.</span>

    <span class=”s1″ style=”font-family: ‘.SFUIText’; font-size: 17pt;”>And as hard as it is, if you speak to her about her behaviour don’t make it about how you feel as she won’t care. Always make it about the impact on the children.</span>

    <span class=”s1″ style=”font-family: ‘.SFUIText’; font-size: 17pt;”>Maybe also document childcare arrangements you currently have and share it with her. Any deviation or reluctance on her part is more evidence. Sad as it is, but it does help.</span>

    <span class=”s1″ style=”font-family: ‘.SFUIText’; font-size: 17pt;”>Take care of yourself and keep us updated x</span>

    #23517 Report

    SingleT
    Participant

    No idea why it’s come up with the font size thing. Sorry! Hope you can read through it and what I say makes sense!

    #23518 Report

    welshdad
    Participant

    Yes don’t leave the home, you stand your ground!

    #23520 Report

    MarkHB
    Participant

    Thank you.

    I have kept a log of her behaviour since January as in the beginning she was picking fights and being angry I think to try and drive me out.

    Its weird as half the time she is playing family. In part for the emotional support and the help with the children and maybe fear of change as I have done the heavy lifting with regards to the children.

    I promised to get through my daughters birthday and then I am calling her on it and making something happen because I can’t take much more in this status quo.

    It is massively disrespectful and cruel considering I have done nothing of this magnitude to her.

    I have spoken to my work and they are open to making my hours flexible, I had legal consolation but may go for a different firm now the situation has changed.

    I know my entitlements are the same as hers to the house and children and I will not give up either without a fight.

    Speaking to my FA tomorrow and I doubt I can buy her out but maybe I can sort something.

    Bottom line I need to look after my kids and part of that is some sort of working relationship with her.

    And the worst part is that there’s a bit inside me that loves her still.

    But I am 15 days away from moving this to the next phase.

     

    Yes the font thing was confusing but I got there. Lol.

    And no, as low as I have been this weekend I’m not leaving. Hoping she’ll crack before me and go stay with her best friend who egged this on.

    #23522 Report

    welshdad
    Participant

    As Solomummy said maybe focusing on how her moving out might benefit her new lifestyle may be the way to go, she put it a lot more delicately and practical than I could.

    For me it’s a very sore subject and my response to you subjective.  Two weeks after I moved out, in an attempt to create peace so my son didn’t suffer constant outbursts and anger from her I thought I was doing right thing by moving out but I gave up a lot in the process and had to start from scratch.  I’d advise you to not do that, you shouldn’t have to.

    Two weeks after I moved out I was told by friends that ex was on sites etc and I found it quite humiliating especially when she was saying same as yours about being amicable etc…or that it was a case of not being able to be with anyone not specifically me.  She advertised herself as being a single mum in her own home etc!!

    This really was hard to stomach… House was still under our joint name and me moving out was to try to pacify things so we could have breathing space to talk the house was still in joint names and no talk had about permanent separation at that point.

    If she wants to have that lifestyle invite her to consider weather it would be in her interest to move somewhere where she can have and enjoy her freedom.

    We are three years down the line now and divorced.  Thankfully amicable for sake of our son but I will never forget how I felt when I was shown her profile.  I just didn’t want you to feel you should endure that.

    Take legal advice but also likes of Solomummy above who can be objective about things.  My take on it was purely thinking you don’t deserve to put up with that…but didn’t offer any useful advice as was too close to my own experience.

    Really hope you get this sorted.

     

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