Dad needing some advice.

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  • #16916 Report

    DanLC89
    Participant

    Hi there,

    My ex recently split up with me, and we have three children. I get to see the kids every other weekend, and some odd days here and there in between, but i’m in need of some advice as i’m worried about a couple of things. Please keep in mind, that she tells me as little as possible, and communication is an issue for her.

    Apologies for the long post, but please stick with me.

    It’s a working weekday, and i am set to have the kids for a few hours after work. The time comes, and the kids are dropped off without a word, and as soon as she could pass them over and drop she bags off, she is gone. I get the kids in and noticed my son is very quiet and not his usual self. I proceed to ask him if everything is OK, and he started to look a bit upset. After talk with him, 40 minutes later, i find out that he has argued with his mum, and she has hurt him by restraining him. Her mother was also videoing the incident (apparently) and was threatening to send the video to me as leverage to get him to behave. This caused him to believe that i was going to tell him off when i seen him (I had no idea this even happened). After talking to him a bit more, and cheering him up, he asks whether i can talk to his mum. I agree, and we end up having a conversation (Me, Mother and Son) about what happened. As far as i’m aware, he started to hit her, she grabbed hold of his arms and legs, crossed them, and was on top of him to get him to stop. I explain that she can’t restrain him like that, and ask her not to use me as leverage and in a threatening way for him to behave. I also said that the next time it happens, to call me, so i can help deal with the situation appropriately.

    Cut to the next evening, shortly after 15:30, and i get a message from her saying that “He’s had another meltdown, I’ll call you in a bit”. Later that evening, she calls me and asks whether i can have him over the weekend as she cannot cope with him. I agree and she drops him off with his clothes and homework etc. Sunday evening comes around, and i get another message from her asking whether he wants to stay again on a school night. I ask him whether he would like to stay again, to which he says yes, and i suggest having the other two as well. Later that evening after she drops them off, i find out that the youngest (1 year old) has nappy sores, but after i needed to change her nappy. I ask why she didn’t let me know, and she replied with “Seriously!, Sorry.”. This isn’t the first time my son has said that his mum has been horrible and hurt him, and i’m not sure how to deal with the situation in the best way.

    Although a lot more has happened, almost too much to write in one post, i have also been told that she has been chatting with someone we know who lives quite far away, and has arranged to meet up with him at some point. The issue i have with this, is that i am worried about her moving 5 hours away with our children. Is there anything i can do to stop her moving too far away from me, as i don’t want to lose contact with my children?

    TL:DR

    What should i do if i have concerns about my ex hurting my children and not looking after them appropriately?
    Is there a way i can stop her from moving our children too far away from me?

    #16938 Report

    DanLC89
    Participant

    Thanks for your message, its really appreciated.

    In regards of my sons aggression, it isn’t that it’s being missed. I have spoken to him about what makes him feel like this, how you communicate when you feel like this, why you do not just hit people, and that we are both there for him. I try and do all this on a level that he understands, and take time to listen to what he has to say. I do understand your point although it is quite difficult to put the complete picture on here without writing an essay. What makes this even more difficult is that she doesn’t communicate very well, if at all. This is all quite new, and if it doesn’t stop, i will be suggesting other options for us to hopefully sit down together and figure out what we do next to help him.

    Unfortunately, my ex is completely impulsive at the moment, which is why i think my son is also struggling, because he very much needs routine. I am going to be seeking legal advise to get things in writing, because as of this moment, it is just verbal agreements. I’m hoping she doesn’t get too upset with this and understands that it is better this way.

    #16990 Report

    lookingforward
    Participant

    Hi

    1st post on site. lots of empathy with DanLC89. Anonymous advice also rings with me. Dan do you have Parental responsibility? If split is recent would suggest ensuring your legal position asap – as well as taking care of self and sustaining relationship with kids as much as possible.

    #16993 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    Dan, if you have parental responsibility, your ex cannot move 5 hours away without making provision for you to see your children ie she would have to bring them to you EOW, which would be a 10hr round trip for her.

    do you have court -ordered  access? If not, I suggest you get it ASAP, or at the very least get a 30 min consultation with a family solicitor to be clear where you stand. Tell your ex first so she doesn’t feel like you’ve set a trap for her. Pitch it that you want things formalised because then you can tell your son what the future will look like and help him to be calm.

    Re: your son, make sure he knows you will not be cross with him, and no matter what happens you and he will sort it out together. Then keep a diary of any issues. Hopefully there won’t be anymore and things will settle down.

    i hope it works out

     

     

    #17008 Report

    elsie310
    Participant

    In the first instance, keep a record of everything. Dates and times, what she said and your son said, when you noticed the sores and whether they are worse than you’ve seen before, just write down as much as you can. Even if you think it’s petty, you can always cut bits out before showing anyone else. It also gives you a sense of control, and helps you build up a picture of her behaviour. Keep an eye on your children, and keep a record.

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