Currently going through seperation

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    Hi all, hoping for some advice please.

    In January my husband of 13 years told me he thinks we should separate. I agreed we had got stuck in a rut and that we should try to work at our marriage. We have two children aged 8 and 9. Two weeks later I find out he has feelings for a work colleague and she for him and they had at least kissed.

    Anyhow long and short of it I said I still wanted us to work. He couldn’t say he would agree to work but also was saying he wasn’t doing a knee jerk reaction and leaving. Then lockdown happened. You can imagine how hard that’s been. We’ve argued so much because I discovered him and her were still in contact with each other and he still wouldn’t commit to trying or leaving. A number of times I told him to leave and I felt he was waiting for lockdown to be lifted so he could leave. Anyhow he moves into a rented house in the next few weeks. Apparently because I told him to leave!

    Anyway the help I need is we moved areas 4 years ago to be near his work. Before that as our children are close in age we decided I’d not return to work to bring them up.

    When he leaves he has said he’ll pay the mortgage and house bills. I know I will be entitled to child maintenance. What does child maintenance cover? The children do extra clubs like ballet and guitar, are these included in the child maintenance or are these added on top of the child maintenance?

    I also understand I should be entitled to spousal maintenance. He thinks whatever spousal maintenance needs I have (not want) the child maintenance amount gets deducted from that and not the two added together, is that correct?

    Obviously him paying the mortgage and house bills covers our roof over our heads. But there are things I need myself too. Would him paying the mortgage be classed as spousal maintenance? If it is can I top it up?


    Any help and advice will be greatly received I’m feeling quite anxious about the future and scared doing it alone.


    Thank you.

    #42301 Report


    I can’t give you any advice I’m afraid.  But just wanted to say, I feel you.  I am going through a similar situation.  Husband said he wanted a separation last September.  He told me on the way back from dropping our son at his new boarding school and then hopped on a plane for a business trip and was away 3 weeks.  He’d hit breaking point and couldn’t cope anymore.  He doesn’t deal with emotion well.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, he internalises everything snd avoids conflict at all costs.  He’s been deciding whether to stay or leave since then.  We have obviously been in lockdown with our 3 children (usually he lives aboard a lot of the time and comes over here every 2-3 weeks).  Looks like he’s likely to want a separation after the school holidays.  I’m just “waiting” for him to finally say it.  We have a telephone consult with our therapist next week.  I think that’s when he’ll finally say it…’s all really really complicated.  It’s horrible.  I hope you get to a better place.  Xxx

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