Court case and refusal to see child

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  • #57897 Report



    I’m a newly seperated mother who’s going through a court case as I’ve pressed charges against my child’s father for a matter between us. He’s now refusing to see our daughter until the legal matter is resolved. Do I drop the charges so he will see my daughter, she’s 7 months old and I want her to have a relationship with her father. I need advise.

    Thank you

    #57900 Report


    If your pressing charges against him & it’s going to court …. Are there not safe-gaurding concerns?

    – even if you feel he wouldn’t behave like this towards your kid… What’s to say he wouldn’t exhibit whatever you’re pressing charges for Infront of her & be a negative influence??

    Tbh, it sounds very manipulative for him to try to use child contact against you to pressure you to drop the case …. Classic hallmarks of abuser!!  Shows he is more concerned about himself & not being accountable for whatever he has done, than prioritising your daughter or her needs.

    Does she really need a ‘father’ who values her so little he’d use her as a pawn like this?

    Sounds like he is playing on how much you want him to be a responsible parent rather than actually being one!

    If he is refusing contact to pressure you to drop the case … Get this in writing, it’s a criminal offence in itself!!

    I agree in the idea world, everyone would have two loving & responsible parents & extended family…. but we can’t force this with the wrong people. it’s not your fault for his failure.

    Maybe rethink your idea of how much he as an individual human needs to be in her life. You might be better off letting him show his nature like this… Facing the conveniences of his actions… & Finding someone who will treat you both as you both deserve. Find a better man, there isn’t a shortage! Your daughter will thank you for giving her the best example you can find, more than the dude who had some biological involvement & doesn’t put her first.

    Might be worth finding a bit more support from your local dv service …. He sounds like a headcase trying gaslight & blame you for his actions.

    You & your daughter deserve better…. He should be working his ass off to prove he can be a parent, especially if he’s done something wrong.

    Good men do exist; you don’t have to settle for less. His choices are not your fault.

    You both deserve to be loved.

    All the best

    #57914 Report



    maybe he has some reasoning for this approach. maybe he thinks if he continues seeing child while court case is going on, somehow he will be provoked or get into more trouble. no idea what he has done. but if you think it’s not serious, then you could drop the charges. you could speak to police or a lawyer for advice.

    #57931 Report


    Do not drop the charges. Her dad needs to know boundaries and he’s clearly doesn’t know what they are. This is classic abuser material and to be honest if he is an abuser, your child would be better not having him in her life until he changes as he will do more damage than good!

    Try and get some support from victim support or a domestic violence advisor as he is showing typical signs!!

    Excellent advice from the member JBLA and I agree with them 100%.

    Good luck xx

    #57936 Report

    Hi there

    I’m Justine, one of  the moderators here at Gingerbread.  You have stated that you want advice.  All contributions on the forum are from other parents who may be able to empathise from their own experience.  Our single parent helpline should be able to help you.  They will explore the full issue and look at what options you have.  If necessary they will be able to signpost you to agencies that can give professional legal advice.

    Here are the details for our helpline.

    • Gingerbread Single Parent Helpline – Freephone 0808 802 0925

    Opening hours:  Mon 10 – 6, Tues 10- 4, Wed 10 – 1 & 5 – 7, Thurs 10 – 4, Fri 10 – 4  They can be busy so callers can expect to wait up to 20 minutes before the call is answered

    Hope this helps.  Justine


    #57940 Report


    do u think he can neglect her? If no then leave it. But if he wants her death then say it.  

    I lost one child in past via my ex who was educated lawyer…is no really possible  win with men but now I have 3 months old and fighting  again

    #57942 Report


    sorry steve… but i have to say this… there is no reasoning to refuse to be a responsible parent … pressuring somebody to drop a court case is illegal.

    I’m not sure if you realise, but criminal court is not the same as family courts. ie; family court is to assess & establish contact of a child only, criminal court is about prosecuting a crime committed only.

    Once a crime has been reported; the police investigate and present all evidence to the CPS (crown prosecution service). Before a case can go to court the CPS decide if there is enough evidence to prove beyond doubt that the person has likely committed a crime, it is their decision alone if a case is accepted to be trailed a court (meaning it can’t get that far & go to court without substantial evidence). Once a case has been submitted to court; the CPS are the only people who can drop a case, not a witness. While witnesses dropping out can influence if the CPS feel there is still enough evidence to continue; due to the nature of how manipulative domestic abusers are known to be (all crimes committed in the context of a current or previous relationship are classified as domestic abuse); criminal proceedings are not automatically dropped if a witness no longer feels they can participate. Usually they continue with or without the witness, and previous statements are used as evidence. In all cases; for a witness to withdraw a statement, they either need to declare it as fault or misunderstanding of their own (meaning they can be prosecuted & taken less seriously for any future reports) or they need to explain why they can’t participate for e.g health issues, or being pressured or threatened by the perp. if the poster said.. ‘he is refusing to see the child unless i drop the case’…. they would tell the witness/ survivor this is illegal… because it is. they may permit absence due to health concerns, or implement further safeguarding with a summons to still attend.

    generally, only in circumstances where the witness has declared fault or misunderstanding would a case be dropped.

    All crimes are serious, that’s why the law exists. Especially if the court has already accepted there is evidence & severity criteria for trial.

    Please don’t try to minimise the severity of a crime or justify reasons to abandon a child. If he hasn’t or isn’t doing anything wrong there isn’t anything to get in trouble about.

    there are people who put up with hell to maintain access to their kids. then there are people who disappear with any excuse.

    it’s illegal to pressure somebody to withdraw a statement. end of.

    #57963 Report


    The fathers now asking via his parents to have our daughter 3 days a week 10 to 4 starting tommorow texting me this at 8pm in the evening. I have said no. They state he can’t have her overnight due to the house being over crowded and his bail conditions means he must live at the address. I’m sorry but 4 people in a 2 bed terraced house it’s not over crowded in my eyes and how is it fair I should have her every night forever. After 2 hours of texting they’re not budging and I feel completely bullied 3 against 1 😔 I’ve been crying all night and am afraid my daughter will hate me for saying no in the future 😞

    #57965 Report


    He will try anything and any way. He said he didn’t want to see her until the court case is over. You’re not budging with dropping it so he’s trying another tactic now. He knows the way to control you is through your child. Please don’t allow him to control you. If he’s abusive/ domestically abusive, please stop contact. Let him take you to court. Please don’t feel bullied by his parents either. Your daughter will understand when she grows up. This man will control you for the rest of your life if you allow it. Please don’t. He’s not being responsible so don’t be either. Try the grey rock method. He wants what he wants and the way he wants it. None of it is fair but you have to do what’s best for your daughter and if it’s that he never has her overnight then so be it. Please don’t give in

    #57966 Report


    He’s trying tactics to make you crack. He wants to upset you. He wants you to give him what he wants. You’re in control of the situation. It’s on your terms. Be careful he will give your daughter back to you too as I’ve heard of the other parent not handing the child back. Look after you and your baby xx

    #57969 Report


    I’ve stated they will have to ring me during working hours with a solicitor present to discuss child care and blocked all forms of messaging. I am worried for my daughters safety regarding how they’re behaving so I’m a making the decision for my well being and hers that unless reasonable plans are put in place in a safe environment all contact is suspended

    #57970 Report


    Amazing!! well done for putting yours and your daughters well beings first and for not being manipulated or bullied into anything!!x

    #58001 Report


    your daughter wont hate you for protecting her from this. It’s unreasonable for them to demand & expect you to agree to sudden terms the night before… feels like power games.

    completely agree with everything j0808 is writing & fantastic advice. Trust your instincts if this doesn’t feel its safe, it can be difficult to keep level & easy to loose perspective in these dynamics, we all have an ideal we wished for, but we have to work with reality, you sound like your doing a great job escaping all of this, accepting them for what they are & keeping your daughter safe.

    – highly recommend Pat Cravens freedom programme online & book to help understand, unpack & find the best tools to manage… if its difficult to afford, they offer free & discounted courses for those in need.

    The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse 

    – do make sure you keep records of what was said, by who & when… especially that he tried to pressure you to drop the case. dont be surprised if he now tries to blame you for his unreasonable behaviour which led you to feel unsafe. this is all him. you owe him nothing.

    Completely agree with j0808… let him take you to mediation & court for supervised access.. he needs to prove he can be a positive influence. there is support out there so you don’t have to manage alone. Your local surestart / community hub should have the best local links… homestart are a great charity who can 1&1 support getting out or in your home. it can feel daunting thinking about how to raise a child alone, but take it one day at a time, there will be hard days/ weeks/ months… but its entirely possible… some of the most accomplished people on this planet come from single parent families, you can do this 🙂

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