Couple separating under awkward conditions

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  • #18528 Report


    Hello all, My names Tim and this is my current situation.

    I have been married to my spouse for the last 15 years, and we have two children together, 14 and 12. Six months ago my spouse came out as asexual/agender. We tried to incorporate this into the existing marriage, but it has become clear that we are just incompatible as a married couple now.

    We are still on good terms with each other though, and currently are still living together. We acknowledge that this can’t carry on though, as it’s confusing for both us and the kids. However, either one of us moving out of the family home presents financial problems. My spouse, due to longstanding physical and mental health conditions that are largely un-diagnosed, has not worked for about six years. We live off my wages, Tax Credits and Child Benefit.

    If I were to move out, then they would need to find new sources of income: however, from what I have seen on the Turn2Us benefit checker, they would be in a diabolical position financially. If they were the one to move out they may get more money, but not enough that they could pay the rent on a new place and do such lavish things as eat food.

    I’m a little bit lost and if anyone could help steer me toward some solutions (or, just let me know if it is indeed this bad and I haven’t missed something), please respond.



    #18532 Report


    Hello Anonymous, thank you for the reply,

    1) No, we don’t own our home, it is a private rental.

    2) Who ever stayed in this home would be looking after the kids here: if I were the one to move out, then I’d happily pay at least as much as you’ve quoted there, if not more.

    3) Would PIP and ESA get swallowed up by Universal Credit? Its in place in our area, and I’m worried its the main reason they wouldn’t get very much money.

    4) Yes, both my boys are aware of the situation. We’ve looked into things like counselling, but the differences are too strong and there’s a lot of problems that mean it’s clear we’re not going to be able to resolve this.

    #18896 Report


    I’ve not put it to the children as to which parent they’d prefer: it seems cruel to do so almost at this stage.

    Unfortunately my spouses nearest relatives live in Leicester, and they do not get on with them too well. It was going really well actually, till recently when they attended a family party and they were asked to pretend the separation was not happening, and to use their old name and pronouns. So, I’m not too impressed with them to say the least.

    Having spoken to a number of people about PIP, my spouse would be unlikely to qualify for it as they do not have one underlying condition causing their issues.

    I’m really scared about all this. I would prefer it if they moved out: the children are home educated, and if they lived with me I would ask my spouse to look after them during the day while I was at work, and I would pay for their transport to do so. That gives them 40 hours a week with the kids Monday to Friday without me. I’d also be willing to split weekends too, so as to keep our contact with the kids equal.

    But, I think when it comes to finances and benefits it would be best if I left? Because my spouse would seem to be unlikely to qualify for anything if they moved out. So, would it be better in the financial picture if I left? But if I did, then I lose out on my kids so much. They’d live with the spouse, and Id see them for what, the odd dinner and every other weekend?

    I’m so scared and confused.

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