Coping with sharing baby
8 November 2020 at 8:58 pm #45499
Im 30 and have a 4month old baby. Me and baby’s father were together for 2years and decided to stop using contraception. Months later I fell pregnant. I was happy, he was not and broke up with me a few days after we found out!
He said he had known for a few months that he didn’t want our relationship anymore but didn’t have the guts to tell me. He didn’t even have the decency to use contraception knowing he didn’t want to be with me! I had to move back in with my parents who live 4 hours away from him.
I left straight away and he didn’t contact me for a week, he then spent two weeks trying to pressure me into having an abortion.
After failing to persuade me to do so he then said fine I want to be involved with the baby.
I tried to do what was best for the baby by including him and I agreed he could attend the first scan. After this we began arguing all the time.
Being pregnant and coping with months of sickness on top of the stress of all that left me unable to cope with staying in constant contact with him. I asked him to only contact me if very important and that I would send him anything he needed to know about the baby. I said let’s have a break from this stress as it’s not good for my health and when baby arrives let’s have a fresh start.
Covid happened! Baby was born in June. At this point we still weren’t supposed to have contact with other households and I was terrified that my baby, my parents or myself could catch covid. Baby’s father had a test the first week he was born so that i could know it was safe to have him in our house and him hold baby.
I saw photos and videos of baby’s father, his mum and brother out having contact with others with no social distancing. This has made me not trust them.
Visits are every weekend or every other weekend and following this I asked them to wear masks.
When baby was 6weeks old he wanted to take him for the weekend. I am breastfeeding, I am still not ready to leave baby with anyone else and he lives too far away. When I said no he told me we were going to mediation. I was really suffering with stress by this point and had to say visits must stop until we’ve been to mediation because your making me too anxious. I obviously didn’t change my mind about leaving my newborn.
Baby doesn’t know him properly yet. Which wasn’t helped by the fact that he then didn’t visit for two months just because he couldn’t take baby without me.
I tried to explain that just because he’s baby’s dad that doesn’t mean baby knows that yet or that he won’t need support for a start as he has no experience with babies.
Baby’s father is now taking me to court as he feels this is unreasonable. I feel trapped. I wouldn’t stop him from seeing baby but I can’t hand my baby over to someone yet especially someone who doesn’t know what he’s doing. I know that’s not his fault and he will learn In time but i have to wait until I know baby will be ok without me and properly looked after.
Especially at the moment with the virus. I feel I have to either put my family at risk and do what he says or have to go to court and defend something that the whole country is being told to do.
How are other people coping with similar situations? It’s so difficult!
He is acting so angry that he can’t see baby much and saying it’s my fault. But he put us in this situation. How can I help that he left us and lives so far away. He is also angry with me about the rules the government have put in place as though they are my fault. He is constantly pressuring me and trying to back me into a corner about these two things.
Its so horrible having to share my baby with someone who did this to me and who now is acting like he owns him. I don’t feel anyone I know understands what I’m going through because no one has had this specific situation with the distance and with Covid on top of that.
Plus all the guidance from both the government regarding Covid and from support groups for separated parents in general just talk about children. Nothing about babies.
Any guidance would be appreciated as I am so anxious constantly and feel so bad for being on my phone all the time researching and speaking to solicitors etc. Baby needs my full attention and I want to give him that 🙁
Thankyou9 November 2020 at 10:36 am #45505
Jeeez, just reading your story, sounds like a real stand up guy NOT. I’m afraid i clicked on your post because i too want to know how to share.
I’m 7 and a half months pregnant with twins, my partner walked out on Sunday and ended it by text on Wednesday. I’ve “changed”. I honestly don’t know how you are still standing having to deal with all of the stress of this and covid on top of it all. You have to give yourself some praise for coming this far.
I hope more people get in on this post with some experience and tips because i’m at a loss too. You aren’t alone and you are doing the best for your little one. I don’t know for sure but i’m pretty sure the law would favour you in this situation. You cannot take nursing babies away from their mothers. I’m sure of it.
STAY STRONG X9 November 2020 at 1:52 pm #45510
Hi you dont need a solicitor to go to court against your ex partner. Because you are still breastfeeding a family court would only be agreeable to 2-4 hours every weekend initially and contact would be only done in a phased way slowly. Once you are no longer breastfeeding contact would increase to 6-8 hours to potentially overnights further down line. Overnights may not be even granted until baby is 2 years old . Normally dads get overnights earlier if mum agreeable or baby is attending a nursery.11 November 2020 at 10:25 pm #45570
Hello me and my baby daddy broke up when our baby was only 3 months old – him and his family have ended up taking me to court and he’s going for 50.50 access we had our first court case in August and he got granted weekend access for 4 hours at a time with internal grandparents there to supervise – so this was end of August our second court case is end of this month (November) I have a telephone interview with CAFCAS before hand regarding the court case- baby daddy is convinced he will be getting our baby 50:50 and that baby will be living over both our households – I will be fighting this 100% our baby is now only 9 months old she has never ever stayed out before never been away from me for longer than like 6 hours she’s still EBF and as for him he is a waste of space who I do not trust for one minute – he can’t look after himself never mind a baby he doesn’t provide for her either he hasn’t paid a penny towards her it’s laughable really!!!!!!!
i am representing myself as I refuse to get into any more debt because of him but because his family have money he has a solicitor of corse and his solicitor is telling him he will get 50/50 but I can’t see how ? He has no job and is just an absolute evil man! It’s so hard trying to parent with someone who is an evil narcissistic liar who gas lights me at every opportunity!
I really don’t no where we are going to go from here …….11 November 2020 at 11:15 pm #45571
ocean 27 , your ex will not get anywhere near 50-50 for a very long time. What i will say is you dont want to come across in family court that you hate him or running him down as this will go against you. You will get great results being reasonable ,promoting contact but at same time dismissing the 50-50 which will be a lot easier. By promoting contact you can build it up in a phased way at your own pace and family courts will go along with it if u come across reasonable. Normally you cant get overnights until child is 2 years old unless mum agrees by consent or they are attending a nursery12 November 2020 at 8:43 am #45573
Hi Warwickshire1, thank you for the advice I will remember that- what would you say we can go on to maybe uping the 4 hour access to 6 hours? I need to start little as he is never happy and always wants more Iv said all along take baby steps and gain my trust back but he ended up taking me to court instead and he has ended up worse off as now the court have said they don’t want me to supervise his visits now where as I used to meet him in the park or for walks with our little one so now he gets less! I hope so about the over night stays as I really think 9months is too young bless there so young and it’s not fair