Coping after a separation, divorce pending
26 April 2018 at 10:11 am #10726
Hi. I’m new to this site and stumbled across it when I googled “coping strategies after divorce”. I’m a 39 year woman who chose to leave my 20 year relationship in January. It took some grit and determination after 4 years of him leaving and coming back twice.
We went through a bad time after our marriage in 2011 and I told him I didn’t love him anymore the way I used to. Not sure what was going through my mind, but at the time I genuinely felt I didn’t. He left. I pined, he came back. But he had become very close to a female colleague when he left. This did not stop when he came home!
she taubt d me in social media for the year that followed and hence, I asked him to leave again. He did and I moved on. We chose to go on holiday as a family last year and our passion was rekindled. He moved back in September and by December we had fall back into the same rut. Never doing anything together, arguing over her and me feeling totally alone.
so I bought a second house in January, never told him and left 3 weeks ago.
He has taken it badly. Tried every tact to get to me up until two weeks ago, and now he just seems to be absolutely fine and over us completely.
I’m a wreck. Can’t eat. Can’t sleep and totally lost sight as to why I left. He has told me twice in the last week it’s over for him and that me leaving was something he can’t ever forgive.
I get that. I do. I don’t get why I’m feeling so upset. I chose to leave. I was determined it’s what I wanted. But now I’m just filled with regret. I feel like I’ve acted too hastily and that I should have stayed and fought harder for our family and our marriage.
im not sure what I expect from posting this thread. Maybe someone has been through similar and can offer me some advice.
I feel so lonely and I’m actually not. I have thre b autuguk chikdren, some good friends and a fantastic job. But for the first time in my whole life I have actually contemplated not being here and feeling like all of my happy days are well and truly behind me.
thank you for reading my post.26 April 2018 at 10:40 am #10729
That feeling very slowly fades, like a light bulb impression on the retina. But it takes up to two months before you start picking yourself up. Not eating, not sleeping, not knowing what time of day it is – all quite common for people on Gingerbread.
Keep posting, get involved, keep busy.
All the best.26 April 2018 at 1:38 pm #10737
Thank you for replying.
Im hoping to just stop thinking about it every second of every day. Maybe then I can actually be of use to my children and people around me.
Watching him cope, move in and appear happy is like a knife in my back26 April 2018 at 5:35 pm #10749
Torisnails, I can empathise and do sympathise in equal measure. My wife cheated on me 3 years ago, and then I caught her committing adultery just before Christmas. We have two beautiful children, 10 and 7.
My wife has changed a lot from the person I used to love, married and enjoyed being with. I now hate her, am angry and very sad for our children.
4 and a half months on, I am fighting her hard on the divorce, being a loving father and the best example and support possible to our children, and thriving in my job. My close friends and family are being amazingly supportive, listen and advise well, and I am both excited and scared for the future (post divorce).
Other advice sources include: Relate (2 x counselling sessions to get over initial shock and decide to divorce), Relate’s books on Healthy Divorce and Helping Children Cope with Divorce, and an excellent book called Transitions by William Bridges.
Get a rottweiler for a lawyer, keep your sense of humour (if possible) and don’t do anything bad in front of the children (which might affect them in long term) are my final bits of advice.
Hope there’s some suggestions amidst this brainstorm!
All the best.26 April 2018 at 6:02 pm #10750
Thank you so much for sharing your experience.
are you in contact with her still? I think the contact is what’s preventing me from moving on!
X26 April 2018 at 9:44 pm #10752
I am too in this situation.
It has been 8 weeks since separating from my husband. It has been on the cards for about a year now. His abusive behaviour has been bad for a few years and I left him in June and October last year for but then came back.
Then 8 weeks ago I sought advice from a doc, she said it was an unhealthy relationship and I decided to ask my husband for some time apart to get my head together on what I should do – we have a young son (3). A week or so later he decided we were best apart and have gone our separate ways and heading for divorce. It isn’t as straightforward as what I have written but that’s in it a nutshell. I have tried to get out for around a year as our young son was noticing his behaviour which was awful.
Now I thought I would have relief but feel very sad – it was 13 years, 8 married. I know I couldn’t have carried on in the relationship the way it was going but I thought I would be so much happier than what I feel now. I am not eating (appetite slowly picking up),, can’t concentrate in work and seem very down and uncertain about the future or whether I will find happiness ( I am 36 this year).
When my son goes to bed at 7/730 it can be lonely although have lots of family and friends visiting. it feels very surreal at the moment. Lots of emotions – anger, hate, upset, bitterness, grief, it’s just hard to comprehend.
Any advice would be great!26 April 2018 at 9:47 pm #10753
I feel exactly the same. Watching him cope is a killer but then he has been on and off antidepressants for a while so they may be taking the edge off now! Also, it could be a front. Who knows what they are thinking. Thought I knew him so well but with all the solicitors involved we both seem to be holding our cards close to our chest and not discussing anything but our son.26 April 2018 at 11:04 pm #10758
Hi Torisnails. Yes, we’re still in contact: we’re living in the family home, purely to maintain stability for the children.
Her solicitor has told her not to move out; I’m not moving out because: a. I have done thing wrong; and b. It’s my inherited house.
It’s pretty miserable, but I am very determined, thick skinned, keep my distance from her, and have developed a very dark sense of humour! I have maintained my dignity, my standards of good behaviour, whilst her life spirals into chaos.
All bills in my name, no shared bank accounts, and all family internet accounts locked down. I’m working like a dog, striving for the kids, whilst she sits around, not working, and sponging off me. It’s a shame I can’t kick her out.
I’ll prevail eventually.26 April 2018 at 11:10 pm #10759
I should have said: I have moved on from her completely now. Apart from being the mother of our children, she can rot in hell for all I care. With hindsight, I stopped loving her when she admitted to cheating on me the first time. But I stuck it out for the children.
Not easy, but I am focussed on being happy for my children for their future. It’ll get better.27 April 2018 at 3:20 pm #10781
Hi everyone, I am going to recent separation myself.
My wife who I have loved unreservedly, Who was my absolute world and I thought we had Who was my absolute world and I felt we had had an unbelievable relationship for 13 years confessed in January that she didn’t love me anymore. I asked her at the time if she was having an affair or there was anyone else involved and she said no.
Then I found out 4weeks later she had been having an affair since before Christmas, with a guy from work.
As it turns out it’s not just the physical was there but she has fallen for him I assume because the way she has treated me. She has done some absolutely awful things including sleeping with him and staying with him tonight when our son was really ill in bed with me and was hospitalised the next day even though she knew he was ill.
It’s been absolutely awful and After seven weeks of living in the house together with her sleeping in the spare room I had to ask her to leave. We have a seven-year-old boy together he needed to be shielded from what was going on so I took the brunt of the abuse and paint it resulted in me losing two stones in weight, in eight weeks and I was only 14 stone to start with.
I have been using a cocktail of tea, herbal remedies and presciption drugs to try and get me to sleep for more than four hours a night and my work was suffering.
I only joined gingerbread today to reach out to people in similar situations myself who might want to talk, to get together or chat on the phone, to share experiences and help ease the pain.27 April 2018 at 3:26 pm #10782
This sounds absolutely awful. I’m sending you a huge hug.
I feel your pain to a certain extant but my husband has never admitted to an affair or that he has a new woman in his life as I know he does not want to be the “bad guy” According to my friend, who is a counsellor so can’t council me!, knowing is an easier option long term as you can move on quicker.
I know that probably does not help at all right now but I’m effect, see this as closure and an option for you to rebuild yourself quicker without the lingering of will it or won’t it.
How is the contact? Is she seeing your son?27 April 2018 at 3:28 pm #10785
I don’t feel necessarily in position to offer any advice, but I found talking to my friends and family, my work colleagues and even people that I don’t know very well has helped me with the healing process, although this is still very, very raw for me. I’m still hold out hope for reconciliation, but In all honesty I know she has moved on and thrown now 13 years together straight down the toilet.
I reached out to people on here Because I thought it would be good to talk to people going through a similar thing right now, obviously rather than just lying on the charity of my family and friends, who are there to support me obviously but don’t feel, or share my pain.27 April 2018 at 3:28 pm #10788
Nastbury, this is such a difficult situation to be in, especially as you still share a house.
It wasn’t until I left that my work fell apart. While we were still living together, I didn’t grieve for the loss of my marriage.
how do you foresee the future?27 April 2018 at 3:30 pm #10789
Stewart67. Could you reconcile after knowing what she has done? Life after cheating is not great. Trust me. The distrust rots away at the foundation of the relationship and makes things impossible to move forward from.
Thats my experience anyhow27 April 2018 at 3:32 pm #10790
Hi torisnails, Yes that’s part of the difficulty I want to do the best for him so we are coparenting my she staying in serviced apartment accommodation close by we are sharing school runs, the weekends, and outside activities. However what this does mean is that I see her every day or she is FaceTimeing him so I have contact with her every day.
We’ll be is, She looks like my wife, sounds like my wife But it is like she has been taken over by an alien. She has become so cold distance, removed and horrible to me it is like I have not known this person for 13 years and loved and adored her.