Controlling in laws
27 October 2020 at 2:07 pm #45132
January this year the father of my son had been caught on a live sting (broadcast on social media) had been talking/sending vile videos/ video calling 13/14 year old girls. At home and whist he was at work.
subsequently he was arrested on the spot and then bailed back to our home (the mortgage in his name) so I left with my 2 daughters (from a previous relationship) and our 3 yr old son . The house was targeted and vandalised shortly afterwards. (Don’t know/don’t care where he is now)
we were homeless for 9 weeks staying in a premier inn then got social housing.
ive tried to keep a relationship with my ex’s parents for my sons sake but he has been traumatised by all the change/loss.
I have stopped contact with the in-laws as they became too suffocating, calling constantly wanting to know my sons every waking moment. No peace from them at all. I switched my phone off for 1 day , just 1 day , had over 50 missed calls and messages and they rocked up banging on doors and windows (my son was asleep) I told them to go as it was the height of lockdown so should not be here. Decided I would stop contact with them all together as they weren’t considering the trauma we’ve all been and still going through , just controlling and selfish. They had even said they wanted to take my son and not come back when it first happened. I can not trust them with him and I do not trust that they have no contact with my ex.
It has now been 6 months since I last had contact with them and I get regular grovelling messages begging to see him or meet up in a park and to send pictures.
my son had a bond with them and I feel awful he has lost that as well as everything else. I feel awful for them having the shame of their son doing what he did but it doesn’t mean I have to let them control our lives. I just want reassurance that I have done the right thing because I cant seem to settle it with my conscience.
When we were together my in-laws did have a lot of say and control in our lives and I put up with it as I was with their son. Do I try build bridges for my sons sake or let him forget his old life ?28 October 2020 at 6:32 pm #45152
Hi there- im so sorry to hear what you have been through – what a traumatic betrayal to find out your partner was engaging in such hideous activity ! Its so sad for all involved and I can see why you wld want to cut all ties. In these situations I suppose you have to put your boy first and think what will be the best for him. Were the inlaws good parents and grandparents in general? I know you say they were over bareing but in general are they good people? If they are i really do think children benefit from having grandparents in their life. They give a special type of love. Maybe just reach out to them and tell them you would consider some contact but on your terms and they must back off and not bombard you ! And not to turn up at your house uninvited ever again! It sounds like you have been through a lot and they may be able to help you in some way in the future plus I’m sure your son misses them. I have a 3 year old and he adores his grandparents on both sides as they spoil him, I hope you are managing to recover your life slowly and heal xx28 October 2020 at 10:29 pm #45153
thankyou so much for taking the time to read my long story and taking the time to post a response. I guess doing what’s best for my son is really hard to figure out. I’m just scared of making the wrong choice.
on one hand , he’s gone six months and only just stopped asking to go home or ask where his dad is, I’m frightened once he reconnects with his grandparents it will all come back to him again.
One side of gran is ever so lovely and he adores them both. but the other side is possessive and manipulative. Was always wanting to help but it always felt like it was more lording power above me. I was always undermined, son came back with his lovely blonde curls cut off when I liked him having long hair, always changed him out of my clothes to put hers on him if she came to pick him up to take him out . Has a whole wardrobe of fancy clothes and shoes in his own room at her house , everything has to be better than what I have. Even went and got him his first bike after I said I was going to, all of his first things she tried to do before us even potty training which I was not happy about as it confused him . So many things that got under my skin and I put up with, now I don’t have to but I don’t want Alexander to suffer not having his grandparents.
They were pretty much great parents for my ex in a financial sense but emotionally not at all , belittling because he was dyslexic and didn’t have a fancy job or any university degree . What if my son has learning problems.
Thankyou so much for your time, and it sounds like your little one has such a wonderful family to nurture him xx30 October 2020 at 9:50 am #45204
You have 100% done the right thing. You can’t trust what they will say to your son and as hard and as guilty as you feel. It is not your fault. If they controlled you when you were with his son, then they won’t stop. It is more than likely they will make excuses for their son’s behaviour and minimise it, people like that always do.
Protect your son and protect yourself. You should be proud of yourself.