Controlling Exes

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  • This topic has 13 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by tk.
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  • #59828 Report

    tk
    Participant

    I have children with 2 ex partners. Both have their ways of trying to make my life very difficult for me now I am happy and ready to move on.

    One is very good at only listening to only what is in her mind and very open to telling the children how lousy I am when it comes to not being a mind-reader. She is also very happy to randomly tell me what I have to do and will try to control every situation. On the whole, I tend to ignore and can only correct the children when they tell me what incorrect stories they have heard.

    The other has been stalking my partner’s social media accounts and, whenever something crops up that makes her jealous, I receive extremely nasty messages which try to use our child as an excuse that I can’t move on….yet I still see the child every week and the child is happy with me, and for me in our new situation.

    When I was with these women before, I didn’t appreciate how abused I was by these manipulations…and with the children in our lives, afraid that these will never stop and will only end up getting worse over time. I do ignore what I can for the most part, but when this is the last message up and I need to arrange the pick-up/collection for the next visit, I know more abuse will return for me ignoring what they have said.

    Is there a way I am able to continue seeing my children as I do already, but  not having to deal with the abusive/manipulating/controlling manners that I’ve put up with so far & knowing there are still so many years ahead before the children are old enough to take care of themselves?

    #59840 Report

    sirtobi
    Participant

    Hello  Tk,

    Just a few sound bites from our eleven-year-old son when he returns from his mother. I quote:

    I am old and ugly, can’t cook or do the washing properly, am a pathological liar, manipulative and live off her money. Furthermore, I do nothing with him, just keep him in a dark room all day. I am an alcoholic, none of our children loves me as they adore her, and I have no friends. I will die soon because I am not looking after me and everything about me is just disgusting. Not only that, but I am not intelligent, can’t speak or write properly, bore everyone with the same stories all the time and do not have a clue how the world really is.

    I think this says a lot about a mother and how carefully she chose the father to our three children. Also, thinking about that, this father is 50% of their genetics and their upbringing, might make you fear for their future. But fear not. Two of them are at Uni, masters in Physics and Economics, third one just went on to grammar school. The eldest one in England. So obviously, children can be very resilient and even strive under very bad circumstances.

    We will have a day in court soon, and I am looking forward to how her behaviour will be judged.

    This goes on for 16 years now, we are separated for five years. I have her in my life for 21 years, and I have no hope, she will ever change, or I will ever get her completely out of my life.

    So my advice is, grow a thick skin and enjoy every day you don’t see or hear from your exes. It is difficult for you, but imagine living a life like them. You surely have the better one.

    #59918 Report

    tk
    Participant

    Thank you for that, sirtobi!

    It is always good to know we are not alone in these fights & I am waiting for the day when the children decide who they want to live with! The eldest has already made the switch to living with me. It is more chaos for us, but we have made it work and we are all the better for it.

    I love the comment you make about not being able to speak or write properly, and I thought your words were very well put together! It does sound like they are maybe insecure or facing their own problems & don’t know how to cope, so it’s easier to shine that light to someone else so I don’t take too much to heart with it all. It would just be nice to be able to do something that will show them I’m not taking it anymore without the fear/risk of losing out on time with the children.

    #59928 Report

    sirtobi
    Participant

    It would be nice to get rid of the rain. But who wants sunshine all the time? Yes, when they grow older, then children  will go where there is peace. Hate is not very attractive on the long run.

    #59951 Report

    P271
    Participant

    Can I ask how long it takes to develop a thick skin? I am nearly 6 months in and it still feels just a raw and everything he says to me affects me just as much

     

    I am struggling to maintain a relationship between him and my two boys but some of the threats and hostility shown by him (despite the separation being his idea) is very difficult to take and not sure how I will manage with it long term. Some days feel so long and lonely

    #59955 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    hi,

    6 months in is still very short time. things may calm down a year or 2 into it.

    #59956 Report

    P271
    Participant

    Thank you. It is so hard tho. I try and put my children first with every bit of energy that I have. Yet he constantly calls me out on using them as weapons.

     

    I don’t bad mouth him at all although I have to be honest with them if they ask me questions. They are starting to see his manipulations themselves now and are not wanting to see him as much yet that is also my fault for keeping them from him. It is exhausting

    #59965 Report

    tk
    Participant

    It’s difficult to know what the other side really thinks, too! I am 3 years into the separation now and we tend to get the most hostility when we are showing the world how well we are moving on with our lives…when my partner and I became an item, when we moved in together, and now again, after announcing  we have set a date for our wedding!!!

    Apparently, every single one of those moves is us doing wrong by the children, one way or another – yet we speak to them first and make sure they are happy with it all & get them involved where they can. It’s clear that these are more jealousy moves, but I got out of that relationship to not have to continue dealing with it & my fiancee has to deal with it all aswell, which is just not fair on her!

    #59997 Report

    P271
    Participant

    Tk it is lovely to hear you are moving on and happy and gives me hope!!

    His last communication involved him requesting that I don’t do such nice things with my older son when he is with me (he refused to go with his dad last week) as he will never want to go to his dadif he knows he does better stuff if he stays with me. Surely he should be concentrating on making his time with his son nicer rather than making my time with him worse.

     

    I am exhausted!

    #60003 Report

    tk
    Participant

    You got it in one there! The way I see it is we are two separate households and run things our own the way. The children are resilient and know the boundaries of each environment and enjoy things in their own ways when going between – it’s not a competition that you have to out-do each other on!

    #60007 Report

    P271
    Participant

    That is so true!

     

    Don’t know if anyone else has found this but hearing in mind it was his choice to leave his family for someone he felt was better (told me he wanted to live his best life 🤮) he is making it incredibly difficult. Almost as if he doesn’t want us to survive without him.

     

    my boys already know it is One rule with me and another with him. I hope they adjust to that ok

    #60009 Report

    tk
    Participant

    One of them used to keep saying she could do better and the other has told us we give no quality of life for these children…yet they seem to thrive more with us! Also, they both berate us any chance they get and seem to be trying their hardest to make sure we can’t survive….so I know how you feel

    And somehow, it’s me the one due to be married and who is genuinely happy with the life we have now!

     

    #60010 Report

    P271
    Participant

    God you sound like you have more than one to deal with. That sounds horrendous.

    I think what I find so hard is that he has set up home with this girl (he went straight to her when I told him to leave) and the children don’t see him alone very often now. They sent my 6 year old a happy birthday son card recently (went in the bin). He looks like the “normal” one cos he has someone else and I am on my own yet he has bullied and manipulated me for years before discarding me brutally when someone else came along (half his age so no idea what he is like). It almost looks like I am the one to blame cos I am on my own. But I want to build an emotionally stable home for my boys without a partner in it so that regardless of my future and whether someone else comes along or not, their home life will not change. At the moment their life with their dad is very changeable and last weekend my 10 year old refused to go

    #60011 Report

    tk
    Participant

    It definitely sounds like you’ve made the right decision! My last ex was very manipulative and an emotional abuser. Since we split, she was already on her 4th new relationship by the time I got into one. Instead of rushing, I took my time, built my home to be sustainable for the children’s weekend visits and they have always had a room & their own space with me (unlike the rest of the time, apparently). My partner now was in a similar position to me & we found each other when the time was right. She has children of her own, too – so it was a bit of getting used to sharing some space in the early days and they were over, but they all soon adapted.

    The other ex tried to tell me, without actually saying it, that I shouldn’t be in another relationship at all…but that coincided with the fact we had just decided to get a bigger place together so they can go back to their freedom more.

    From what you said about your ex, people like him don’t keep their behaviours hidden for too long & just hope that this new girl has someone to turn to if things get rough! I hope the children aren’t badly affected by visits to their dad – but when they refuse to go, hopefully that’s a sign for things to change on his end…he will only lose out in the long run

Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)

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