Controlling Ex

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  • #53171 Report

    BellaChloe
    Participant

    Hi there. I escaped a controlling marriage 5 years ago. We agreed to pay off both our debts so both of us were clear moving forward. My ex told me I didn’t need to get a solicitor and his would sort everything out (stupidly I believed him) I just wanted to get out with my two daughters (1 being his) I excepted a small payout and it was agreed I would be taken off the mortgage and he would have the house and there was no way I could afford it also left him the business (which he removed me from a month after I left which I agreed)  etc. I just wanted to escape such a unhappy, argumentative, controlled environment.
    I paid for the divorce. All this would of been fine however 15 months after I left I found out he had used my credit card (2nd card) to pay a large HMRC tax bill £7k.
    when I found out he told me he had my original card in his safe and I should leave as it was or I would regret it and not like the outcome. Of course I cancelled the cards but he then refused to pay the mo that payments for the HMRC debt and just stopped. I couldn’t afford to pay it so having no other choice he sent me into IVA. I went to the police got a crime number but no one would help me!
    Then Last year I found out he had used my signature to extend a mortgage and change the rates to 2022. The bank don’t care and a criminal solicitor would cost so much so he continues to get away with it. He still has mental control he only sees his little girl she 10 when he wants to. I’ve asked him to share holidays etc so I can work he tells me she’s not his concern.
    He lives a very extravagant lifestyle yet tells me he earn £23k he has the 5 double bedroom house(cause I’m in the mortgage) he tried to get a mortgage himself after I left but failed as he couldn’t afford it hence the fraud on the acct to keep the house! He sold his £8k speedboat for another boat thats at least  8-9 times larger and has to moar the boat in a marine as it’s to large to go on a trailer.
    I started a new job at the start of the pandemic I did two shifts then he told me he couldn’t have her so I had to leave he then went back to working 2 weeks later I am still not working.
    He pays half the amount he should for maintenance.
    My mental health has suffered and I’m high risk I struggle to get by day to day and have seen and spoken to I so many people but no one can really help! I have all the evidence to prove everything he is doing but no one to stop him. Can anyone help or suggest anything I don’t trust him, he’s incredibly abusive and nasty and uses our daughter to make people think he’s a good person and a good dad which he isn’t. I really don’t know which way to turn I’m literally on the breadline using food bank etc I never thought someone could be so cruel and manipulating 🥲

    #53176 Report

    Sue
    Moderator

    Hi BellaChloe,

    I’m one of the moderators on the forum.

    Your situation sounds quite complicated and you may find it helpful to contact the Gingerbread helpline and speak to an adviser about the support available to you: https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/what-we-do/contact-us/helpline/

    Sue

     

    #53269 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    hi,

    thats sounds terrible. are you claiming any benefits like Universal Credit?

    #53270 Report

    Lizardchops
    Participant

    just a question. When you divorced did you obtain a court endorsed financial remedy? If not I suggest that may be one way to go. His lifestyle is not consistent with his declared income and aside from the court that will scrutinise everything I am sure HMRC would be interested especially if there is tax evasion of any kind. Always difficult when you have an ex that uses the children. I have that the opposite way around in some ways. My wife left me. It she had a personality disorder and multiple affairs and the kids witnessed self harm and crazy arguments. It’s scarred them to this day. They both love with me and hardly see her but she is currently on a mission to go through the courts and try and force us out of our home. My son is disabled and he needs stability but of course she needs money more. Fun days ahead. I hope you get this resolved. Always always difficult to maintain a workable balance when you have children. Take care.

    #53278 Report

    JulieM8tley
    Participant

    Hey, sorry to hear about your situation

    If you want to chat, then feel free to add me

    I can’t advise on your situation.

    But a can offer a listening ear.

    I have a controlling ex, I escaped too.

    You are not alone, and you will get through this.

    You need to claim all the benefits you can get, start with citizens advice

    Get mental health support from your dr (bad use of words) more emotional support really, I have managed to get some help and it’s been very useful

    I hope you are ok, well done for surviving all this, you’re doing so well

    #53290 Report

    Lizardchops
    Participant

    Thanks, appreciate you replying. I have requested you as a friend. Happy to chat for sure. I don’t qualify for benefits as I earn too much but I have contacted social services for transitioning to adulthood for my son. They agree that intervention is needed but yes there are days when I just want to disappear and let everyone get on with it. A lot of pressure holding down a full time job and dealing with everything else but hey we are survivors!!

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