Contact with other parent

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  • #63281 Report

    Mum111
    Participant

    Hi,

    Just looking for some advice on maintaining contact with the other parent. I’m looking at contact centres but I’m not sure if I’m being too extreme. There’s never been any physical violence but I would definitely say there is a degree of emotional manipulation, things like gaslighting etc. The latest argument has been around Xmas presents, he bought the main presents and I have them, I asked him to put them together and it resulted in an argument with him saying it’s the least I could do as he bought them. Then he said he wanted them back to give them on Xmas Eve morning, I said no because they would get confused about Christmas Day then as they were for Christmas Day. Now I’m the ‘unbelievable’ one. I care for them all the time, I’ve given up work, I have no social life, he sees them for a few hours every other weekend, he didn’t turn up the last time because he got drunk and I don’t trust him to have them over night because he did once get drunk when he was looking after the 2 year old. He pretends as if this isn’t an issue and keeps asking if they can stay, I said I don’t fully trust him as it was only the other weekend he didn’t turn up because he decided to drink instead. I find his attitude very intolerable, I’ve had a recent traumatic bereavement aswell and he knows this yet every time we meet or talk there’s an argument. I want to cut him off completely for my own mental health but don’t know if this is too extreme. Any advice welcome

    #63282 Report

    Moseley Guy
    Participant

    Difficult situation you have – prior to our divorce a close friend commented to me that only the courts can sort out my ex, as she was an impossible hooligan and just did whatever she wanted. One year later and a section 34 report completed by SS the Worcester family court gave me residency order for our 10 year old daughter. Her Russian mother still does what ever she wants. She has been disappearing off to Thailand for months at a time, ( in middle of pandemic) then reappearing and demanding immediate contact with our daughter. My point is that the court took her behaviour and her drinking into consideration – perhaps you need to get the courts help to get an order in place that draws a line that give you control over your lives and your kid’s emotional well-being.

    #63297 Report

    Akay
    Participant

    So sorry to hear your going through this, however if it’s any comfort your not alone. My ex and I split 3 year ago when our son was 6 months old, and although we were together 10 year we have never managed to create a good coparenting relationship. Initially he was absent for 6 months after the split, although hard dealing with breakup and young child, I spent the time developing my confidence and creating a secure setting for my son, his family were even involved during this time. It all went pear shape when he returned, hated me being in charge, constantly questioning my decisions, making up lies and turning people against me. This was hard as I felt I was constantly having to justify myself to others, while juggling my family, work and social life. We would argue all the time, where he was emotionally abuses and manipulative, luckily my mum was a great support for me, reassuring me I was doing right thing, although if up to her I would’ve stopped contact years ago and let him fight through court. My problem was his family adore our son and I couldn’t put them through that, so I plodded on. After a few very serious altercations, I said many things I shouldn’t have, which he would then use against me for months afterwards. This is when i realised his routine of provoking me, then turning tables to blame me for everything, he would use the fact I didn’t let our son around his gf to then not take him for visits etc. Seeing my son grow and thrive from the life I provide him, gave me the confidence to stick up for myself, this is when I told people the truth, they were shocked and reasured me I was a great mum and I should do what was right for us. I haven’t solved his problematic personality, he’s still inconsistent, tries to manipulate me by questioning what I do, however I am the bigger person now. I keep all contact factual and about our son, I keep him updated, give him opportunity to see him, most of time I know he won’t reply or use an excuse, but this way he can never blame me, ive the evidence that I tried or told him previously. I know family think I’m crazy for not doing more to stop contact, as he always let us down, but this way I know I’m doing the right thing. I will be able to hold my head high when my son grows up, he already knows mummy’s always there for him, but daddy’s busy a lot. It’s hard but I never let my feelings change his relationship with his dad, he will make his own decision soon enough. I know this is not best advise as there is no easy fix, however your doing the right thing, stand your ground regardless of what others think. As your child grows and thrives you will see how this was all because of you, hopefully this gives you confidence to ignore his actions and do your best. X

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